{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } A Thread For Writers

[ojoku]

Let me find the actual assignment... I can't find the exact wording, though it was, in basic, supposed to be about an interview with a fairy tale witch. Starting and finishing things, books, articles, reports, everything, is difficult for me, I don't know what to say to begin. All I really know is what is to be included.

[abandoned.]

i've yet to start reading your story choey x.x

lol you don't have to feel like you have to. I post in case people have, like, crit for each particular chapter. xD

i want to though xD it's so much though o-o xD get it publised instead? xD

[eden .]

Let me find the actual assignment... I can't find the exact wording, though it was, in basic, supposed to be about an interview with a fairy tale witch. Starting and finishing things, books, articles, reports, everything, is difficult for me, I don't know what to say to begin. All I really know is what is to be included.

hm ... well, news articles tend to be rather factual and formal, but you'll find that most of them, at the very least, lean to one side or the other. while you can't really twist what someone says, you can put in wording or include facts [and exclude facts] that will throw up sympathy or condescension.
if you're actually trying to put it in interview format on paper, then a lot of formal articles do:

interviewer: so i"m talking and talking and i'm asking the witch a question

witch: I'm replying and I'm saying incredibly controversial right now

and then after a snippet of conversation, the article will probably analyze the text with a biased view that I talked about above.

as for starting an article ... you might want to start with something like "on blah-blah day, blah-blah happened" or "lately there have been blah-blah-blah"? some sort of current event or happening that would give a reason as to why you're having an interview with a witch in the first place.

hope that helped a little. ^^''

i've yet to start reading your story choey x.x

lol you don't have to feel like you have to. I post in case people have, like, crit for each particular chapter. xD

i want to though xD it's so much though o-o xD get it publised instead? xD

eh, doubtful. the story is too rough to actually get published.

[earthling44]

Username: earthling44
What we will call you: Jaz
Will you critique other's work?: I only really say positive stuff.
Links to your story if you have any: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8141522/1/Escapee
Anything you want us to know?: I usually only write fanfiction.

[eden .]

Username: earthling44
What we will call you: Jaz
Will you critique other's work?: I only really say positive stuff.
Links to your story if you have any: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8141522/1/Escapee
Anything you want us to know?: I usually only write fanfiction.

accepted ~
welcome c:

[mamba]

I just posted a super quick prologue. Crit please!

[eden .]

A man in a long white lab jacket stood next to a short heavily pregnant woman.

Idk, should there be a comma between "short" and "heavily"? I guess it's not strictly necessary, according to grammar rules.

Scientists walked into the room, a count of approximately twenty, and began to work.

perhaps hyphens: "scientists walked into the room -- a count of approximately twenty -- and began to work" might work better than commas?

They checked through all their books, selecting a certain tube from here, and a specific needle from there.

personally, I don't think the comma between "here" and the "and" is necessary unless you take out the "and" completely [in which case it'd be "...tube from here, a specific needle from there"]

One scientist put a mask on the woman, and her head fell to a pillow.

woop, she's lying down. okay, so this is where I got a little disoriented. If I had to tell you the truth, I was actually envisioning the woman sitting at a table similar to that of one in an interrogation room, and the room is devoid of all personalization and is flat and rather cold. idk if that's the image you're going for, but clearly she's lying down on ... I'm assuming an operating table, yes?

He moved over to the tubes that the scientists had so carefully arranged, and added some sort of black liquid to one tube, and a light blue liquid to the next. Within seconds he had left.

k, so I don't think the commas in the first sentence are really needed at all. that implies that "added some sort of black liquid to one tube" and "a light blue liquid to the next" can stand alone as their own sentences. I ... don't think they can, personally. They sound more like dependent clauses, so you don't need the commas.
my verb tenses suck, so idk if this is right, but is it "he left" instead of "he had left"? idk, that's my weakest spot. ^^''

Hours later she was woken, and the scientists told her everything had gone beautifully. They lied. What had gone in was a mystery to even them.

YOSH. NIGH-SUH ENDING.
/shot

no, but in all seriousness, that's a good ending. it's very cliffhanger and it puts up a sense of mystery and foreboding. and you have to wonder what exactly "had gone beautifully" [even if it was a lie]. I have my own hypothesis, but I'm not saying ~

[Ridiculous]

@mamba. I'm in so much awe over Roman's name. It's epic. I mean, not only is he called 'Roman', which is epic in itself, but his middle name is 'Excalibur'. Too cool. I'm scared of your story now. The whole idea sounds very creepy. And I hate injections. Blegh. *bookmarking*

[CyberneticVampire]

Username: Danny Phantom
What we will call you: Just call me Danny!
Will you critique other's work?: In a nice way yes.
Links to your story if you have any: http://dannyphantom4life.deviantart.com ... y/38200957
Anything you want us to know?: Nope!^^

[Tawny224]

A man in a long white lab jacket stood next to a short heavily pregnant woman. He asked her questions, and she responded by handing him a pair of sketches. One of the sketches showed a young woman with long, straight brown hair flowing down her back, as well as bright blue eyes. Her nose was perfectly aligned with the rest of her face, and her smile was perfect. The other sketch was as close as a mirror image could come in a masculine tone. Scientists walked into the room, a count of approximately twenty, and began to work. They checked through all their books, selecting a certain tube from here, and a specific needle from there.

One scientist put a mask on the woman, and her head fell to a pillow. Now that she was in an anesthetic state, they could begin to work. The team injected an extreme amount of tubes and pills into her body, preparing her for what was to come. Without warning an extremely tall man in a long chocolate colored trench coat walked in. He moved over to the tubes that the scientists had so carefully arranged, and added some sort of black liquid to one tube, and a light blue liquid to the next. Within seconds he had left. Guiltily, a scientist proceeded to inject the contents of the tube into the woman.

Hours later she was woken, and the scientists told her everything had gone beautifully. They lied. What had gone in was a mystery to even them.

I don't know if this is just your writing style, or how you intended it. It was lacking in description. It felt rushed, quick. The same wording with more sentences thrown in could make this prologue so much better. It was good, but I felt as if I wasn't reading something at all.

If it was your intention to create a face paced prologue with little description to keep an air of mystery, then it worked ^^

The ending is sort of confusing. Not in the way it is portrayed but just in the way I was reading it. Maybe it's just me.. I felt like you could have added more adjectives or something of the sort. It just seems clipped. I like it, and the more I read it over and over it grows on me, but I feel like, at least with me, the writing shouldn't have to grow on me.

Also, I feel as if the sketch scene and the scientist scene were in two different times. It just doesn't seem like they should go together, or why the scientists would allow her to harbor the sketches if they were going to preform surgery on her.

Also, the 'preparing for what was to come' also confused me. Nothing really came in after she was put to sleep. They just injected some liquid into her.

And the short sentence of her head falling to the pillow felt clipped, written quickly, and un-needed.

You could have said something like:
'The scientist inserted the mask to her face, leading her to a bed centered in the middle of the room. Climbing up onto the sheets, the anesthetic worked as quickly as the scientists knew it would, and she sunk into the pillow'.

Bringing attention to the bed. As far as I was reading, it seemed one moment she was standing next to one scientist, and the next she was laying on a bed? Correct me if i'm wrong.

Though, as I mentioned before, if this was your intention, then you did a good job of portraying it. I am interested, to tell you the truth. It intrigues me and I want to read more about the sketches and the pregnant woman, and why she would even have the sketches or who the sketches are of.

Again, this is totally my opinion. I love your writing, and everyone could use a little practice. Especially me, haha! I mean in no way to disrespect you or anything.

Urgh I hope I don't sound to harsh. I don't wanna sound harsh.