My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Are you a writer or a poet? Come and share your creations with us, or discuss writing techniques with others
Forum rules
Please only post your own original work, do not post poetry or stories which were written by someone else.

What do you think of my writing?

Poll ended at Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:23 pm

I love it
0
No votes
It's pretty good
0
No votes
It's okay
2
50%
Could use some work
2
50%
Not a fan
0
No votes
I absolutely hate it
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 4

My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Postby river1999 » Fri Apr 20, 2012 5:11 pm

Just a place I come and write stories when I'm bored^^
First story is about lions:P

I crawl out of the shade, sleepily. I stretch and flick my tail. I look over at my mother, aunties, cousins and siblings. I'm the oldest cub in the whole pride. It makes me feel proud. But my mother is very sick and old. I am afraid I may lose her soon. I sigh and look up at the sun. It's sun high. The lionesses would be hunting soon. But not my mother. She's too sick. Her joints ache every time she stands.
I sigh. I seem to do that alot these days. I suddenly realize that father us not with us. He rarely leaves without telling us. But he has been distracted too. More poachers were around our territory. They had killed the male lion of the pride just north of us. I sure hope father is careful.
Suddenly I hear paw steps behind me. I turn around, startled. It's just my aunty. I purr and rub beneath her muzzle with my head.
She smiles kindly and licks my cheek, "How are you today, Sahira?"
I giggle when her tongue touches my cheek, "Fine, thank you." I stare across the wide plains, "Do you know where father has went?" I asked politely.
She opens her mouth to answer but suddenly there us a large bang. I think the world is ending. The sound echos in my large ears. I paw at my head furiously, the pain of the noise too great. I look up. Everyone is awake. My mother is crying. I know what has happened. Father is gone. And when there is no male to protect us, the cubs are killed.


I might continue:P tell me what you think^^
Image
User avatar
river1999
 
Posts: 7735
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:12 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Postby river1999 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 5:02 am

Thanks for voting truthfully guys^^ I'll work on it:)
Image
User avatar
river1999
 
Posts: 7735
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:12 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Postby river1999 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:37 am

bump
Image
User avatar
river1999
 
Posts: 7735
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:12 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Postby river1999 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 5:25 pm

A poem about the five boys who changed my life:

Niall, you've taught me how to laugh again.
Louis, you've taught me to be myself.
Liam, you've taught me to follow my dreams.
Harry, you've helped me realize i can do whatever I want to do that makes me happy.
Zayn, you've taught me to face my fears.
But, all five of you have taught me that there is someone important to life.
Thank you.
I never thought I could love five guys so much.
1D, your my heroes.
Image
User avatar
river1999
 
Posts: 7735
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:12 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Postby tawnee » Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:18 pm

The lion story has too many short, choppy sentences in my opinion.
It's a good start though; keep working on it.
User avatar
tawnee
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:27 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: My Writing Thread *critiques welcome*

Postby river1999 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:20 pm

tawnee wrote:The lion story has too many short, choppy sentences in my opinion.
It's a good start though; keep working on it.

Thank you! Now I know what to work on. I'll definitely try to put more detail into it. Right now I'm to tired, but tomorrow for sure:D
Image
User avatar
river1999
 
Posts: 7735
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:12 pm
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 1 guest