PG 13+ ~Remember~ WIP, please post comments!!

[..::Gymnastikz::..]

What would you do if your life suddenly ceased, people say that before you die your life flashes before you. But for me it was something else, nothing happened. One minute I was alive, next minute I was dead; not that complicated. I hate that no one ever knew it was going to happen, it wasn’t like one of those things were you knew you were going to die in, like, three months or whatever. I wasn’t that lucky, but it wasn’t my fault. Or maybe it was, all I know is that I’m dead and I regret my life. I messed it up myself and I wish I could do it over, I wish I could have made the choices that didn’t ruin other people’s lives as well as risking my life. If I had another chance to go back and fix everything that went wrong I would, I never learnt from my mistakes like everyone else, my mistakes made my next choices worse until finally I had an emotional breakdown. Nothing ever felt like it went right for me, because it never did. And no-I’m not some creepy angel now, apparently angels were never alive. I remember everything, I never forget.

The First Mistake

My first mistake was when I was ten; I saw some of the older kids who were, like, fourteen, smoking and they asked me if I wanted to try some. I knew that I should say no, somewhere deep down though I felt like I should say yes. When I tried to push that bad thought down it grew, eventually it took over my whole body. I gave in and said yes, at first it tasted gross, like how pumpkin tasted to me, suddenly it filled me with this great sensation that ran down my spine and made my head feel cloudy. Just as I lit the second smoke, my parents pulled up in the playgrounds car park and caught me. At first I thought it was hilarious seeing my father basically fall over trying to get out of the car, his face was really red and then I realized that I was going to get the flogging of my life.
“What do you think you are doing young lady?” he said to me then he turned to the older kids and said, “peer pressure is a horrible thing! What are your names?”
“Meghan Louise Foster, sir.” One of the said,
“Jannette Kate Newman, sir.” The other said, starting to shake in terror.
“I’m sure you and your parents would be very happy to know that I will be reporting you to the police as soon as it is physically possible.” Dad said calmly to them, the girls screamed and ran away. Dad turned back to me and said in a much more aggressive tone, “I will be driving you home back to your mother right away. Then I’ll go to the police station and report the girls.” I got into the car and cried in the backseat all the way home, I felt horrible. I couldn’t believe I had done something like that, it just wasn’t me. I was always so good at school and home, I had just snapped. My brain kept coming over a thought that I hated though, the fact that I liked it. The next day dad took me to a child counselor, they tried so hard to fix me but when the lady pulled out the cigarette and said to me.
“If I asked you what you thought about this, what would you say?” I had bitten my lip; I knew what he wanted me to say-no. But I couldn’t say it, I couldn’t-no-wouldn’t try. This was my life and I didn’t need anyone telling me what I shouldn’t do, and yeah- maybe I was only ten, but that was no excuse for them to push me around. My expression turned cold, my whole body shook. I stood up and flipped over a small coffee table that had a few glasses of water on it, the smashing sound was deafening. I ran out of the room, through the waiting room where dad was sitting and out the front door. I ran down an ally way and hid, instead of bursting into tears though I sat with my knees up to my chest waiting for dad to come and find me. I was right. I heard his footsteps and then saw his head poke around the corner, I thought he was going to get really mad at me but he didn’t. He sat down next to me and gave me an awkward pat on the shoulder, which was when I decided to cry. I started bawling my eyes out and say about how much I was sorry and how I just couldn’t help myself. Dad was nice about it; he had stood me up and took me home. That night he let me choose dinner but I told him I didn’t feel like it and had run to my room, I had sat thinking about absolutely nothing. Usually I would have thought about something or wrote something, but this time no little thoughts rushed into my head. I was completely blank, at the time I had thought it was normal for me to be like that. Now that I look back on it I realize that something was wrong after all, I was TEN YEARS OLD I had to think something, I had to dream. Heck, I couldn’t even sleep! After about half an hour though, I had heard a knock on my door. Dad came in, with the scent of peperoni pizza along with it. I had sat up in bed, my head cocked over to where he was. Dad put the box of pizza on my bed and had left; I had sat and indulged the most wonderful taste ever; even better than a cigarette. After that everything had been better again.
Back when I was good, everything I had done was good before that day. After the first mistake I had been good again, the pizza somehow fixed everything. That was probably the worst memory now that I think about it, I was so young and I had done something so bad. What had snapped? Was it a nerve or did I have a brain tumor? But I know nothing is wrong with me, or nothing WAS wrong with me. Now that I am dead nothing can happen to me, the only thing I can do is remember. Sit here and remember everything over and over until I am chosen to be reincarnated, then my spirit will ruin someone else. Well, I will be that someone else. If I ever get chosen, that is. I hated myself for that first thing, if only I didn’t go to the park, if only……
My thoughts are ruining me, ruining my spirit. But now that that thought is gone the second mistake is haunting me.


The second hit
I sat in math class bored out of my brain, it was my fifteenth birthday and my parents wouldn’t even let me have one measly day off school for my birthday. Honestly I couldn’t believe it and I wasn’t allowed to have my own party, mom and dad said I had to stay home with the family. I had changed their minds this morning; I told them that I was going to go over to Kaycee’s house for a “slumber party,” because that was my birthday wish. Mom and dad gave me one birthday wish a year, when I had asked for a party the answer was no, when I had asked for one smoke it was a no. So I figured I could just say my birthday wish was to have a slumber party at Kaycee’s house and they bought it. Kaycee and I were really going to go to a party that Kaycee’s cousin had planned at his house for me, considering I couldn’t have it at my house or at Kaycee’s because dad drives around the block twice every night when I stay there to make sure that I was safe. While I had been day dreaming the teacher had obviously said something, which I had had no idea I was even in math anymore. “Sienna, could you please tell me the answer to question five?”
“What?” I had said flicking my long blonde hair out of my face, in the process my hand wacked my pen and it rolled onto the ground. “Ugh!” I made a disgusted noise as I bent down to pick up my pencil; my teacher raised one eyebrow at me and cleared her throat. “Miss Hardy, because you are all excited sitting there paying absolutely no attention to my class I will ask you again. What is the answer to question five?” I looked at the black board, it was absolutely blank. Little did Mrs. Ridgeway know but I wasn’t as dumb as she thought I was. “It is a trick question,” I said shaking my hair, “the board is blank. You were trying to see how dumb I was but guess what? I’m not a dumb blonde.” Mrs. Ridgeway lifted her eye brow at me again and smiled, “very good Sienna!” She said and turned around to face the black board, just as she put her chalk on it the bell went. I nearly made my chair fall over when I frantically stood up too leave, I ran out to the car park where Kaycee and I met every day after school. We walked silently down out of the school grounds, as soon as we walked through the gate and off school property we screamed. “I cannot believe it! You are finally having your party!” Kaycee said jumping up and down.
“I know right this is the best day ever!” I screeched, Kaycee and I burst into laughter and then just had one of our regular conversations. We walked past the local sushi bar that had the front wall completely made of glass, we both immediately looked through the glass. We had spotted an absolutely drop dead gorgeous senior boy from our school, he was tanned and his muscles were very well defined. We had walked through the door thinking we were all that, we ordered exactly what he got- prawn sushi and a diet coke (he really got a regular but we weren’t going to take in that much sugar). We sat at the table in front of him so that we were directly in his line of vision, after I ate my sushi I flicked my hair back and looked at him-he was looking at me. He winked at me, stood up and came and sat at our table. “Hey ladies,” he said, “what are you little freshman getting up to this weekend.” I could hear the sarcasm in his voice, as if he thought we wouldn’t be doing anything. “I’m having a party tonight,” I said bluntly. I looked directly into his eyes; they were really nice- brown with golden flecks. “Freshman party?” he asked looking straight back into mine,
“And senior.” I brushed my fingers through my hair, “do you want to come?” I looked at him hopefully, “yeah do you want to come?” Kaycee gave me a look that meant that she was butting in and that she wanted him, but I defiantly wasn’t giving up that easily. “Why not?” He said smiling “might be interesting.” We told him the address and he left, Kaycee and I looked at each other. We both wanted to squeal and I knew it, we didn’t though until we went outside- that was when we squealed to our hearts content.

Kaycee and I sat in her cousins’ car on the way to the party, I remember being so excited that I was going to pee myself. I had looked out my window and watched the other cars pass; I did that until I couldn’t see the cars anymore. I remember me realizing that we were going up the driveway. As we drove up the winding driveway my excitement grew and grew, I felt like I was going to explode. He parked the car on the grass area he had reserved for himself, there were a lot more cars there then I had expected. Kaycee and I got out of the car that was when I actually took a good look at what she was wearing. Her long brunette hair was in a side-plat, she was wearing a black mini dress that she literally had to pull down ever five seconds and black high heels. I-on the other hand-was wearing a black mini dress with white spangles and a one off shoulder, my long blonde hair was out and I was wearing silver sequined flats. “Well?” Kaycee said pulling her dress down again, “let’s go in!” She grabbed my wrist and pulled me up stairs, the music was deafening and we had to shout to hear each other. As soon as she spotted a hot guy Kaycee left me alone, I stood with my back up against a wall. Someone handed me a drink in one of the red cups like in the movies, I sculled it down and instantly felt better. I stood there for a while longer before I thought what am I doing? It is MY birthday, my party. I should be having some fun! I waited a second longer; just my luck that the senior from the sushi bar found me. “Hey!” He said winking at me, “Hey!” I shouted back,
“Want to dance?” He asked me, I shook my head but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He grabbed me by the waist and pulled my body into his, I gasped in shock. He touched me! We looked into each other’s eyes; I reluctantly pulled my eyes away from his and looked around the room. I saw Kaycee in a corner making out with some random guy; they had the full on tongue action and everything. Not only that, but her mini dress had come up past her waist. And he had his hand up her dress, who knew? I felt his eyes follow mine, I looked back at him. “What was your name again?” I asked,
“James Black,” he said still holding onto me. He took two steps forward so that my back was resting against the wall; I took a deep breath and shivered under his touch. He ran his finger along the side of my face, “you are truly beautiful.” He said, but I wasn’t that dumb. This was the second time I had been underestimated in one day. I put my hand on his chest and gently pushed him away from me, “I’m not stupid.” I said shaking my head, “if THAT is all you want from me than I don’t want to hear about it.” Now it was his turn to shake his head, he truly looked sad. “No it isn’t!” He said, he looked into my eyes again and put his head on the wall next to mine. “Never,” he whispered it so quietly even though he was right next to my ear I barely heard it. We stood like that for a while; I breathed in his scent and indulged myself in it. He smelt REALLY good. After a while though he took his head away and gently grabbed my wrist, “come on.” I let him pull me over to a drinks table; two senior girls gave me a weird look when we grabbed our drinks. He acted like he didn’t notice them and we walked over to were Kaycee was, I looked at James and then looked at Kaycee. “Having fun mate?” James asked the guy who was making out with Kaycee, he didn’t say anything. Kaycee pulled her mouth away from his; he kissed her neck while she talked to us. “What do you want?” She said,
“Nothing.” I said, I looked at James, he looked back at me. He took my hand and looked back up at Kaycee, Kaycee looked at him. She must have only just realized who he was, she looked at me. “Cow,” was the only thing she said then she went back to making out. “Come on,” James said leading me into the backyard. It was really pretty out there at night time, it was dark but there were garden lights here and there. He sat down under a big oak tree, I sat next to him. We were sitting close, but not close enough that we were touching. I took a big breath, closed my eyes and lifted my head to the sky. The air was cool and fresh but really nice. I opened my eyes and looked at James, he was staring at me. We looked at each other and burst out laughing, he had a really nice smile. He put his arm around me and moved in closer, I snuggled into him. He was really warm and smelt really good, I just wished we could sit like that forever. I started to get really thirsty but I didn’t say anything, he seemed to read my mind because a minute later he was asking me if I wanted a drink. I said yes and we went back inside, holding hands the whole way. I had completely forgotten how much louder the music was inside than it was out; I hung around the living area while James went to the kitchen to get us some drinks. Kaycee was out dancing now, but not with the same guy she was with before. I danced up to her, “what?” She hissed at me, her breath smelt like vodka and-drugs? “What is the time?” I pretended to ask her, she looked down at her watch. “4:57 a.m., why?” I looked around; we had agreed that we would be home by 4:30 at the latest. “I think I might get a lift back to your place,” I said flicking my hair out of my face. “I’m really tired,” I really wanted to get out of here. James came over to me with our drinks, “I have to go.” I said to him, taking the drinks from him and putting them on a coffee table. “I’ll drive you!” He said putting his arm around me, I look at him. I could tell just by his eyes that he was drunk, I didn’t need any other signal. “No,” I said “you are drunk. You can’t drive!”
“Yeah I can, how far away is it?” I didn’t want to tell him that it was the second nearest suburb, that would definitely make him want to drive me. I didn’t have to though because Kaycee did it for me, as soon as she told him he took his keys out of his pocket and dragged me out to his car. I wanted to stop him but I couldn’t, it was like the feeling I had had a few years ago. Usually if I had heard of a guy doing that I would have been disgusted but it was totally different when it was me experiencing it, this guy was turning me on. I liked bad boys, but the feeling was the same as it was when I was ten. This time it was in more detail, I felt like my soul was a black hole sucking the life out of everyone. I laughed as I hoped in the car with him, I felt so good-of course, in the worst way. He turned on the car and drove with one hand on the wheel and his other hand exploring my body; he didn’t take it slow down the hill either. He sped down the hill at what seemed to be one hundred miles an hour, we had the windows down and the wind was picking up my hair and wiping me in the face. He took me the long way to Kaycee’s house but I didn’t mind, I really enjoyed it. I knew we were speeding and I was probably going to die but I didn’t care, I opened his glove box knowing that I would find cigarettes and a lighter in there. When I found them I lit for each of us. I stuck one in his mouth and one in mine, the taste though was way more than I had expected. I did smoke regularly but this was totally different, it made me feel like I had mosquitos in my brain; but it was in the best way. “What is this?” I asked him, he laughed at me and butted out his. I lit him a second one and he said, “It’s called party. It’s the most addictive stuff, I love it.” I shrugged and finished it, I felt light headed and sick like I was going to vomit. “It is really bad the first time but next time you have it you will feel great,” I looked around me and the world was spinning. James ran through a red light and the last thing I saw was the trucks headlights.
I will still never regret that day, I will never regret him. Love is blind they say, but love is blind to actions as well. I still don’t care about the bad choices he made, it was my fault. I should have waited for Kaycee to be ready we had a designated driver for us. It is my fault James died. I wish I hadn’t made that mistake; someone else’s life was taken that day. All because of me……….

Third Time Unlucky
I had still been in depression, it was two years since the “incident” but I still hadn’t gotten over it. Every time someone brought up the words “party, death or drugs” I wanted to kill myself. I would to anything to be in heaven where he is; sometimes if I could get to sleep I would dream that I was in heaven with him. Kissing, hugging and having the best time; but then I would wake up and realize that I was on earth and that my life sucked. I had seen a counselor who had given me anti-depression pills that I would either over dose on or not take. I still went to school, but I had been put in special education classes because I had “difficulties.” I have also gone from the most popular kid in school to the anorexic, depressed kid no one wants to talk to. Kaycee has stopped being my friend too, after the party she became the type of girl who will “do it” with any male that bumps into her. I had no friends, but it wasn’t their fault. I had pushed most social contact away from me; I didn’t want people to talk to me anymore. I don’t know why I was this bad, other kids have had their parents doing drugs and bashing them. All I had was some guy I hardly knew, die. I was too selfish, but I felt trapped. Like I could try and struggle, try and get out all I wanted but nothing would ever change. I feel like all I can do is sit here and wait for the pain to pass, wait for everything to be better again. It never will be though, I can try and go get a life but no matter how far down the feeling will always be there. Tonight I was going to change it though; somehow tonight I was going to make things better for me. I had sat there waiting for the right time. Finally I decided to do it, I was going to leave. I needed to get out of the dome I was being held captive in by my own feelings. I put on a thick, black hoodie and left my house.
I slowly walked along the grey sidewalk, there were hardly any cars driving around and I seemed to be the only person walking this late at night. I scuffed my feet along the ground, and looked around cautiously. The air was quite cold, kind of like how I had been feeling lately. Actually I was feeling worse than that, I felt as if this little world that used to be so pretty inside of me had iced over and all the colors had gone. I had lain down one day picturing myself in this frozen-over world, I seemed like nothing but curling grey smoke that formed the shape of a girl. I had done nothing but sat there, waiting for the ice to melt and my colors to come back. I had been told that I should run or exercise to make myself feel better, but my soul was too cold. I didn’t want to listen to anyone or anything, as much as I wanted color in my life I felt like no one could help me with that. They didn’t know, they have no idea what it is like to feel dead. I was like a zombie, I was the walking dead.
There was a little color coming back into my life, I had a sense that something good was going to happen to me. Sure enough I got a text message; it was from my ex-best friend Kaycee. My heart sank, every time she texted me it was something to do with being mean to me. I was surprised this time; she said she wanted me to come over to her house. I texted back that I would be over soon; I looked at the ground and scuffed my feet. My old sneakers were worn down and they pinched my toes, but I didn’t care- I didn’t care about those things anymore. I listened to the few cars flying past me; if anyone was out on a night like this I knew I would be a potential target to any person who wanted to sexually assault me. I coughed and the wind blew my hoodie off my head, I ran my fingers through my hair. It used to be smooth and perfect, now it is greasy and dull. I had gone from fit and a healthy weight to anorexic and sick all the time, I had tried to eat but it just comes straight back up. So I just thought, hey why should I have to put up with the extra pain of vomiting when I can just NOT eat. So I had stopped eating completely last year, I never ate and never took proper care of myself anymore. I hadn’t smoked or drank a sip of alcohol since that day. I have tried overdosing myself and everything but I had never seemed to die, it was like my spirit wanted me to keep ruining my soul. Shattering my heart into more and more pieces until the only thing that was keeping me alive is my brain. I smelt the late night fast food store, the smell of grease and chicken made me want to spew my brains out. I kept walking along the strip, food store followed by food store. I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran the last ten meters to an ally way, I puked my guts out all over the cement slab. I wish I could have just knelt there puking until I died. I wanted to die, I wanted to be were ever James was. James! The name had rung through my head like a song- his name felt like a song to me. I wanted to stand on the highest building in the world and scream his name from the top of my lungs. I tried I shake the thought out of my head but I couldn’t. I stood up, my legs were shaky. I pulled my hoodie over my head and walked the rest of the way to Kaycee’s.

I tapped slightly on Kaycee’s front door, she didn’t answer. I knocked a little harder and she opened the door after about five seconds. She looked at me like she couldn’t remember why I was there, “oh hi.” She said bluntly after a few seconds,
“Hi? You wanted to see me?” I replied looking at my feet. I looked back up at her, just to see that she was looking at me in a funny way again. “Yeah, do you want to come in?” I smiled at her; it felt good to be invited into her house again. I nodded my head and she stepped aside to let me through the door. We walked into her room and she looked pointedly at my bed; clearly a signal to sit down. I sat on her bed and looked at her, Kaycee bit her lip and stretched her arm across her body. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. She fumbled with our old friendship chain that was around her wrist; even though the silver was rusty I still pictured it as it was the day we bought them. They had been gorgeous and sparkly silver, the little charms had dangled off the chain and our faces had been smiling. I smiled at Kaycee; it seemed like the first time I had smiled in a lifetime. Kaycee sat on the bed next to me and pulled her knees up to her chest; she smiled at me and carefully picked up my right wrist like it would shatter under her touch. Her smiling face turned to a frown when she saw that my bracelet was gone. I felt my eyes well up with tears, “it got destroyed in the crash.” I said, a tear slid down my cheek. Kaycee started crying when she saw the tears silently falling down my face. We hugged and cried together, I instantly knew that she had never stopped being my friend even when it seemed like she had abandoned me. She pulled away from me, “you are so strong.” She said handing me a box of tissues, I smiled at her and even though my soul was shattered; everything felt ok. “No I’m not,” I said to her. “If it was you there wouldn’t have been a tear shed, let alone would you have gone into depression.” She gave me a concerning look, she took my hand and squeezed it. “Yeah? Well that’s because I never really liked the guys I was with, I had three different guys in that one night and I didn’t like one of them.” She laughed at me like it was the biggest joke in the world; I gave her a weak, fake smile. She stopped laughing and got off the bed, “but it should have been me who had a guy die. I wouldn’t have cared as much as you would have, if I had ever been with someone I liked I would be depressed too.” I smiled at her; I knew why a little light had been shed. There felt like a beam of light had struck down through my soul, illuminating just that one part of my soul that had turned dark. Kaycee opened her wardrobe and chucked an outfit at me. “Go have a shower, you’re staying here tonight;’ I smiled at her and went to their bathroom.

That had been the best day in a long time, she had mentally changed my life. For the next year and a half we were best friends again, we had actually never stopped being friends. I had laughed with her and for a while I forgot that I had been anorexic or that I was in depression. She made me stop over dosing myself with my antidepressant pills and she made me see the whole world differently. I soon realized how lucky I was and how much I was loved, even though I seemed so much better there was still always that struggling feeling. Kaycee had brought a new person into my life as well-a male. He was great and nice and pretty good looking, but I never had real feelings for him. We were more friends than anything else, but I still got jealous if other girls were looking at him. He and Kaycee helped me get through, it was good for a while….

Number Four, heart’s still sore
I cannot believe they did this to me, she set me up! The lying bitch, yeah maybe for a while she was my friend but now- that has changed. All she wanted was him, she has been using me for him. Ever since he came along she became nice to EVERYBODY just because he believes that you should be nice to everyone as they could be, ‘Jesus in disguise.’ So she started being nice and then she went from A-class (where everyone wants to be) to C-grade (were all the nice people and the nerds are classified.) I wanted to over-dose, I wanted to go back into major depression. I had wanted to kill myself, or better yet-kill her. I felt like my soul had had an earthquake, but somehow that thing inside of me that was keeping me trapped had healed over. It was engulfing me, I wanted to vomit, cry and lash out all at the same time. I had found out at school that morning, I was walking to my locker with William. We were being a lot more friendly than usuall. I said good bye to him and went to my first class, after the sounding bell to go to second period I walked to Kaycee’s locker to ask her if she had done her creative writing homework. I regret going there, I wish I had just decided not to and then I would have gone on the rest of my life not knowing. I had walked around the corner to get to her locker and I saw it, Kaycee and William were getting very…..friendly at her locker. They were making out and everything. I can’t believe she was doing this to me; she had gone behind my back with him. She KNEW he was making things better for me and all this time she was lying-she was sneaking around with him. I thought she had changed, but she is still the same old, immature slut that she always was. Was she cheating on him too or something? Was she secretly with every other guy she had ever come into contact with? I had always known that Will and Kaycee were close, but I never thought this would come. I just wanted to kill myself at the time, but I knew I wasn’t going to hurt myself for something she did. She was the one who deserved to die and I was going to make her pay for it, she wasn’t going to get out of this without paying for it. Neither was he. I didn’t care if they did get killed in the process or if they were going to send me to a mental ward this time around, I was going to get revenge whether it meant chopping off my own arm.

I remember running the whole way from my house to Kaycee’s, she was going to tell me what was going, she had too. She hadn’t invited me over either, so if she was with him right now I would have proof of me seeing the whole thing. I knocked on their front door, after about twenty seconds her mother answered the front door. Her mum was home, which meant her dad wasn’t and her mum didn’t believe in rules so she could be doing ANYTHING with Will right now. “Hello Sienna! Do you want to see Kaycee? She is studying with Will right now, are you in her study group too?” Her mum said, I knew that she would NOT be studying with him. “Yes, I am in her group. Can I come in?” I asked, her mum opened the door without a word and I lead myself into Kaycee’s room, I didn’t knock or anything. I just opened the door and walked straight in, sure enough she was making out with him. He looked like he was enjoying it too, “Kaycee you lying whore! How could you do this to me?” I screamed at her, I closed the door first just to make it seem like we were studying. Kaycee reluctantly pulled herself off him, “gosh Sienna! Knock much?” She screamed back at me. She stood up and walked over to me so that her face was pressed up against mine, I could smell her easily. She was drunk and she smelt like Will, “what the hell? I trusted you and you do this to me, how could you?” I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, I didn’t want to cry. Kaycee put both her hands on my shoulders and pushed me away from her, I pushed her back and she had fallen on the floor. I knew it had been fake so I had kicked her back and ran out of the house with the tears streaming down my face, I vomited all over the sidewalk, got back up and kept running. I eventually stopped running and went down that same ally way I had so long ago. I sat down with my knees pulled up to my chest, why is this happening to me? I had asked myself, she was always with him and she never told me. I still would have been perfectly happy if they told me about it, all I wanted was friends. They clearly weren’t friends because friends would have told me and I would be ok with it because THAT IS WHAT FRIENDS DO! I rolled over onto my hands and knees and vomited again, and then I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder. I screamed and stood up, without looking at who it was I pulled away and pressed myself against the wall. “G-go away,” I shuddered. I am going to die! Was my last thought, I was totally wrong though. I saw Williams face, he gave me a look I knew all too well- concern. I knew now not to believe that look anymore, he used it so many times when he was really sneaking around with Kaycee. “Get away from me Will! You lied to me and know you expect me to trust you? Just go!” I yelled at him, he silently took a step forward. He put both his hands on my shoulders like Kaycee had done just ten minutes ago. He didn’t push me though; he pulled me into his arms. He hugged me but I didn’t return the hug, he wasn’t worth it. He kissed the top of my head and I quickly pulled away, “leave me alone.” I whispered, I wanted him to touch me. I wanted him to make me feel good but I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn’t. “You have to know that I don’t care about her Sienna,” he said pulling me back. He looked me in the eyes and I wanted to believe what he was saying- I really did! I just couldn’t make myself do this again I wasn’t going to fall back into his arms and just let myself be brainwashed again. “You’re lying to me! I know you are Will, you could have told me and I would be fine.” I sat down, pulled my knees up to my chest and cried. Will sat down next to me and put his arm over my shoulder, “Sienna I’m not lying. I seriously don’t like her, Kaycee is just a witch. She is so deceptive, I know that this would hurt you but it is like she is queen or something. If she touches you everything feels good and all your pain is washed away, you have to understand.” I snuggled up in his arms but I was still reluctant, “what pain could you possibly have? You have the perfect life, you have a fantastic family and you have never lost someone” I broke down into tears, I wanted to die.
“Do you really want to know why I have pain?” He asked me,
“Yes.”
“My pain is the pain of knowing that I will never have you, all you want is that James guy. You have to move on Sienna, it’s not healthy for you to do this to yourself. Sienna,” he paused. “I love you.” He kissed me on the lips, but I couldn’t kiss him back. I liked him, but I didn’t love him. He was just going to use me like that? Fine, he can do that all he wanted because I wasn’t going to go running back to him. He was using me; I know it and I had to stop it. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my pocket knife- I always had it just because I thought I was a potential target for rapists.” I kissed him just to distract him, and to say my good bye. As we were kissing I pulled out my pocket knife and shoved the blade into his stomach, I head him groan but he didn’t scream or beg. He just groaned and died. I had his blood all over my hands and I didn’t feel guilt, I did what was right.
I killed him and it felt good, I did what was right. It was better than having it keep going on with me not knowing, and I knew what Will was going to use me for. I wasn’t going to let him do that to me, he had no right to wreck my life any more than everyone else already had. He could have been a good guy, if he tried maybe we could have been together. He wrecked it though, Kaycee wrecked it and I was never going to trust her again. She had just about as much right to live as he did, she did so much more to me than he did. To think that I could have made even better friends, but I had to be at the top of the social food chain. I had to be with her because that was what popular was. Then every girl saw her for what she was, while every boy loved her for what she was. She is deceptive and cruel and we all hated her. I’m glad of what I did next….
I cried as hard as I could, it felt fantastic to do that but it also made me feel bad. Would I ever learn from a single mistake that I made? Obviously not. I wiped my bloody hands on my jeans and took out my phone, I texted Kaycee. Come to the ally way I showed you, please help he is hurt! I knew she would come if I added that, she doesn’t want her guys to die or get hurt in anyway. About twenty minutes later I saw Kaycee peak around the corner, luckily I had had enough time to drag William’s body to the back of the ally way and I had managed to clean my knife with a puddle of water at the entrance to the ally way. She looked around, “where is he?” She asked; obviously not taking any notice of me. “He died.” I bluntly said back, she acted like she didn’t care. “That’s too bad! How?”
“I killed him,” I said back. She must have thought I was lying; I walked up to her and pretended to hug her. Instead I killed her the same way I killed him. That was the last I would ever see or hear from that slut, I felt like instead of a huge weight was being taken off my shoulders more was coming on. All the possible thoughts ran through my head, will they make me go to jail? And, what will everyone say? I sat on the ground and cried, I threw my knife in a nearby bin. I had an idea, it wasn’t a fantastic one but it would get me somewhere to stay. And yet it wasn’t the best place in the world to stay but it was better than nothing. I ran to the nearest police station, I walked to the front desk. “Excuse me?” I looked at the lady at the front counter, “um. I just……” I trailed off not knowing what to say next. She looked at me hopefully, “I just killed two people.” I said, there it was- that was my great idea. The lady looked at me like I had grown a second head. “I’m not joking,” I said. “I just killed my best friends. I stabbed them with a pocket knife! Look at the blood all over me! Look at it! I can show you them!” I was screaming at her now. She stood up and put her hands on my shoulders, “honey. Tell me the truth,” she said. I cried, my chest heaved as I spoke “I told you the truth.” The lady put her arm over my shoulders and took me into an interview room.

When I had come out of the interview room I had stopped crying, I had stopped feeling anything. I felt like my brain had shut down and that I could just curl up in the corner of a dark room, close my eyes and never wake up. They took me to a prison cell and locked me in. It was a lot different than I imagined, I wasn’t behind bars. More like a big, heavy, solid door that I would have no chance of knocking down if I tried. I would never have the energy to do that though. If my parents decided to bail me out then they would probably send me to counseling again, were they would give me more anti-depression pills that don’t work and I would just have to live with it. There was one bed in the room and that was all. I did what I wanted to do though; I sat in the corner of the room on the hard, cold concrete and fell asleep.

Unfortunately I woke up the next morning, I stood up and all my muscles hurt. At first I didn’t know where I was, but after just two seconds it all came flooding back to me. Everything that had happened the day before all came back, but I still felt good. I moved over and sat on the bed, my parents are never going to bail me out! That is what I had thought anyway. I sat on my bed literally counting the seconds, when I decided it was about midday the heavy jail door opened. I kept my head down as someone walked in, “Miss Sienna you have been bailed out.” I slowly stood, still keeping my head down. I scuffed my feet as I walked down the cold corridor. We came back to the main reception and I was wiped over with a metal detector, a bomb detector and a drug detector before they would let me go with my parents. The car trip home felt long and silent, I had just wished at that moment that I had never killed Will and Kaycee because none of this would never have happened. I killed my own best friends and I had been proud of it? But that thought had only been there for a second and it was gone. I felt the strong feeling of success wash over me; it was sucking me in like a black pit. This feeling always felt new to me, but at the same time it was so familiar! I wanted to scream to the whole world how much it hurt. Then I heard James’ voice mix with the darkness, it was like cool water being tipped over me. I started crying again, this time saying James’ name without meaning. My mum looked back at me from the front passenger seat; she reached over and put her hand on my knee. “It’s alright honey; we can get through this together! It won’t be hard,” I listened to mum’s words carefully. I knew she cared about me and I respected that but she had no idea what I was going through. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked silently out the window for the rest of the trip home.

I lay in my bed looking up at the ceiling, I had been right about one thing my parents would do. They took me to a councilor- a different one this time- and I was given more pills. I had taken one already and they helped a lot, I had stopped thinking about everything that had happened for as long as the pill would last. I had had lunch with mum and dad just in the house, but it had felt so good to eat again and to be able to forget about all of the things that had gone wrong in my life. Mum, dad and I had just talked about normal things like a normal family. I loved my life for those eight hours that that first pill had lasted. I had taken it later in the day so there was only room for one pill, but during the middle of the night from a nightmare. I was crying when I woke up and I didn’t notice until I felt the heavy tears wetting my neck and chest. The next day had been good too, I could forget about everything. My life felt natural and complete, but I loved having James’ name constantly rushing through my head. It was the only thing that kept one part of me sane when all my walls of sanity were crumbling down. When I took the pills though, every thought of him, Kaycee or Will was demolished. Like they didn’t exist and they had never played any role in my life, I wish Kaycee and William had never played that role in my life. They could have just abandoned me like everyone else, but eventually these nightmares had become more like dreams. Dreams of what I would rather my life to be. I wanted my old life back; I wished I could get it back somehow. I knew I never could though; the people from my past life were all dead because of me. James was dead because I had refused to stay at my own birthday party any longer and Kaycee and William were dead because I was stupid enough to kill them. In my dreams I started to wish I hadn’t done it, I decided to see what would happen if I over dosed myself with the pills. It could sooth me; maybe it would give off a different effect. I went into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet; I took out the pills and took a big breath before I swallowed the tablets.

They had knocked me around, that was for sure! I had taken them before I had had breakfast which made the effect ten times worse. One minute I was awake, next minute the lights had been turned out.

Number five, still- unfortunately- alive

I woke up in the hospital, I had a massive head ache and I couldn’t remember anything that had happened. The last thing I could remember was taking out the rubbish bin before I went to bed. I felt the familiar black hole form in my soul and I instantly had a flash-back re-cap of what had happened that morning. I would never learn would I? I had to keep going making mistakes out of everything, making my life worse each time. Why couldn’t I be like other kids and just learn from my mistakes like parents always told us we would? I had never been as lucky as everyone else; I had seemed to be born on an unlucky star. I had always tried harder than everyone else to pull my head around the corner and make a difference in my own life but that was never going to happen in a million years. Ever since that day when I was ten years old nothing had gone right. That stupid black hole just had to keep sucking in all my common sense; it took away everything in me that was important. I suddenly got really angry and knocked over the nearest machine that I was hooked up to, I screamed as I felt pain surge through my arm. I looked at it and one of my bones were coming out of my wrist and blood was everywhere. All I could do was look at it and scream. A doctor and a nurse came running in, they seemed calm. They must have just thought I was insane; it took them about three minutes to realize that I was screaming because of my wrist. I was screaming and bawling my eyes out, my chest was heaving with every breath I took. I nurse quickly ran out of the room, three more male nurses rushed in. One quickly bandaged my wrist and the other two started to push me into a different room, all I could feel now was the last of my blood running down my hand. My head started to fog up and my breath started to slow down, I looked at my wrist one last time. The bandage was blood stained and my hand was red from blood, I looked back to the roof and fell asleep.

That time my eyes closed I thought that was the last time I would ever have to close my eyes from an open position; no word could properly describe what I had felt that day. I had woken up and basically died again, all I wanted was to die properly. To go to the place where I obviously wasn’t wanted, heaven or hell, I had to go. I knew that if I had to spend another day in that God forsaken world, but would my wishes ever come true. It wouldn’t matter how many times I tried to die, I always came back. It was like I was immortal or something, why was I born this way? I was born as a black hole, sucking away any form of light that came near me. I was never going to do something right in my life; I was just going to ruin everything for myself and everyone else. My talents would never have a chance to expose themselves. If only I knew then what I knew now, if I just knew then I could have helped myself. The doctors never figured out what was wrong with me and I didn’t want to know, I had had blood tests and had been tried with all different types of things to help me. The whole time that was happening I had no idea; I just thought I was sick. I wish I had opened my eyes to what was happening around me after James died, things would have been a lot clearer for me. Life might have been better. I doubt it though, considering what happened when I woke up…..
Six- sick
I was surprised when I woke up again; I was also surprised when I felt good about it. I frowned about how my body made its self-feel good; I didn’t want to feel good. I wanted to be depressed about everything that had happened to me, but I felt good? I tried to sit up but my body seemed to be paralyzed, I lay there looking at the ceiling, why had God spared me again? I tried to talk aloud a few times but no sound came out, eventually I gave up. I heaved a big breath and tried to talk again, this time I coughed. This wasn’t the normal cough- it made my chest heave and it sounded like someone with asthma who has a cold. I was startled by my own cough; I lay there for about fifteen minutes just staring at the ceiling in total shock. It was like I had died and come back to life; actually I was pretty sure that I HAD come back to life. I tried to think about what had happened while I was asleep, I tried to think if there was a dream or something that would give me a sign to whether I died or not. Or whether I was alive now, for all I know this could just be a dream. My whole life so far might have been a dream and I am really just a five year old girl asleep in her bed. Yeah! That was it, this all had to be a nightmare. I tried to pinch myself but my arms wouldn’t move I felt as if I had lost all control of my body. Like I was paralyzed and would have to lie in bed for the rest of my life. I felt like crying just at the thought, the only thing I had total control of at the moment was my eyes. My big, brown eyes that will probably be the only thing that will come in use to me for the rest of my miserable life. I made my eyes look down at my body; my hand was in a cast. The rest of me was normal, only I looked somewhat skinner. Well, it was more of an anorexic type of form than just plain skinny. I sighed and looked back up to the roof, I wondered if someone was ever going to come in. It felt like I had just been lying here an eternity. I closed my eyes hoping I would just fall asleep and never wake up, but the sleep never came I just wanted my life to end. I wanted to burn up in hell if that is what I needed to do to get out of here. I forced myself to lift my non-broken arm up; it exhausted me just to lift it to my chest. I stopped and took a few deep breaths then lifted it straight up in the air, I could hold my arm up but my brain wouldn’t give me the energy to drop it back down again. How weird is that? To not have enough energy to put your arm back down but manage to lift your arm up. I coughed again and a quick, sharp pain rushed through my head. I cringed and forced myself to drop my arm, my bones went numb just from doing that. My bones were week and I just wanted to drink a jug of milk, but it made me want to vomit just thinking about putting any solid or liquid into me. I looked back down at my broken wrist; the cast was keeping my arm glued to the hospital bed. I suddenly realized that I had no feeling in my muscles and that my whole feeling sense wasn’t working. I could feel things in my head, but when it came to physically feeling something- I couldn’t. I rubbed my fingers over the hospital blanket but I couldn’t feel it, it was like touching air. I closed my eyes again, I bid sleep to come but it was only faintly there. Somewhere deep down I was having the urge to sleep but my brain was pushing it back. I sighed and thought about James instead, James, I knew the name and I knew what he used to mean to me but know I wasn’t sure of who he was. To me he seemed like a person I had never met, I couldn’t remember his face or were we met. All I knew was the name and that it had some significant meaning in my life. I squeezed my eyes and thought about something else, I thought about my first anti-depression pills. I had over dosed but they hadn’t done anything to help me, help me from what? I thought to myself, I was scared. I couldn’t even remember half my life anymore, it was just all jumbled up inside of me. I squeezed my eyes tighter and a tear slide from my eye, I hadn’t actually felt myself crying. All I could feel was the cool wetness against my cheeks, everything was just confusing me right now and it made my head want to pop. I coughed again, this time it was extremely loud and it made my whole body jump up. It was the first time my body moved and I almost had a heart attack just from the shock of it all. FINALLY a nurse came rushing in, “are you ok?” She had asked me, she felt my head and turned my cast over twice. I just looked at her and didn’t reply she rubbed the back of her neck and made a confused looking face. She pressed a button on her beeper and a doctor came into the room, they whispered a quick conversation and then they looked at me. “Can you hear me?” The doctor said clearly, I slightly moved my head in a nod but I didn’t think that it was distinguished well. I was pretty sure he understood though because he nodded at the nurse and she pressed another button on her beeper, after about fifteen minutes of silence around the room my parents were escorted in. My mother’s face was red and it looked like she had been crying and my dad looked scared, honestly scared. I wondered why he looked like that and what would worry him, nothing ever worried dad. He never got scared of anything, except me getting potentially hurt. While I was in deep focus about his facial expression I was totally unaware of the conversation that was going on around me. “Your daughter is seriously hurt mam, I think she might have developed permanent brain damage but you have to remember that I will not be one hundred percent sure unless we do a brain scan.” Everyone’s eyes had turned to me, which I was still totally unaware of. “If not,” he continued bring back everyone’s attention, “she may have a mental disorder. From what I have heard her physical and mental behavior has been much disorientated. We would have to hear her side of the story to be completely sure about this,” I had rolled my eyes back to the ceiling and tried to find sleep that wouldn’t come. I felt so tired, how was it possible though that I felt tired and I hadn’t got out of bed for who knows how long? “Her coma was quite severing though; we never thought that someone who had only broken their arm would stay asleep for forty-two days without a word.”
I was just so tired!
“She seems to be dead to the world if you ask me- unless she is just a great actor- she hasn’t seemed to hear any of what I have said.”
Then my brain started tingling, it was so sore! It pricked at my scalp and I thought my head was going to burst.
“She seems to be unwell though she...” He was cut off by my screaming, I screamed until there was no air left in my lungs. My head exploded with excruciating pain, it reminded me of all the exorcism movies I watched a fourteen year old with my friend- what was her name again? I stopped screaming for long enough for me to get my breath back, my head exploded like a bomb was going off in my head, hell, it was more like there was the bombing of a country going off in my head. This pain I was feeling in my head seemed to loosen up the rest of my body; my left hand instantly went to my head as it would if it was a normal headache. This was definitely not normal, I would not- and could not- stop screaming. I felt my eyes roll back in my head and I thought that I was going to die; I had wanted to die but not like this. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, this wasn’t fair on me. I knew I had done some things wrong in my life, but it would help me a lot if I knew what they were. I was still confused why I had no idea about half of what had happened in my life, but I instantly drew my mind from the thought. The more thinking I did the worse my head hurt. The doctor rushed to my side and grabbed my head, he was pinning it down to the bed while the nurse prepared a needle with thumbing fingers. She handed it to the doctor and they swapped positions, she held my head down while he injected a needle into my broken arm. I instantly stopped screaming, my brain felt foggy after a second or two and the bombs in my head had stopped going off. My eye lids became heavy and the sleep finally came.

When I woke up again I was pretty sure it was the middle of the night, everything was dark and there was only the dim light of the hospital corridor that made the room light enough just to see. I tried to take in everything around me; I was connected to five pinging machines. The noise they made was honestly annoying me, I noticed a vase of dead flowers on a small table next to my bed. I reached out to touch one of the wilted petals; I was surprised when my body actually followed my brains orders. I stroked the petals like that for about half an hour, suddenly an alarm went off. I was so scared I think I had jumped a meter in the air, all the machines around me started pinging like crazy and I was hyper ventilating. The alarm had only gone off for a minute but it was still scary and totally unexpected. A nurse who was on night shift walked casually into the room, she clearly didn’t notice I was awake. She went over to one of the machines and pressed a few buttons, it made a sound and the nurse turned around to-obviously- see if I was awake. She had obviously only done it because she had to, I swear she was almost as shocked as I was when the alarm went off to see that I was awake. She stood staring at me, I stared straight back at her. She pressed a button on her beeper and walked straight out, I was still in minor shock. I eventually realized that I was staring at nothing and shook my head to bring myself back to reality. I thought about what had happened last time I woke up, I remembered not remembering who James was. It made me want to cry because I STILL didn’t know, I thought that I might have had brain inflammation or something because I had watched a movie one time were it had happened to someone and they couldn’t remember half their life. I pushed that thought out of my mind and thought about my broken wrist, it wasn’t hurting now but it still felt heavy from the cast being on it. I lifted my cast and rested it on my stomach; I looked at it for a long time, it wasn’t anything interesting. Just a bare, white, boring cast. Yet for some reason I felt rather intrigued at the sight of it, I looked at it blankly and tilted my head to the side. It was just the weirdest thing I had ever had on my body, I had never broken anything before and this was a different feeling to anything else. A doctor walked in just then, “how are you feeling?” She asked me, I didn’t know if I would be able to talk but I tried anyway.
“Good I think,” I managed to get out.
“Good to see that your voice is working, how is your body? Can you move it?” She asked me, filling in something on a clip board.
“Yes I can move,” I said
“Ok so can you see fine?” She asked me, she pushed her glasses up and wrote down more things.
“Well it is dark, but other than that I can see well.” She took out a small flash light and shone it in my eyes; I looked into the light without squinting. It was a soft light so it didn’t really hurt me. “Can I ask you something?” I said looking around the room; I still couldn’t remember why half of the things that happened actually happened.
“Yes honey, anything” she said putting her flash light away.
“I can remember things happening and I can remember people’s names but I can’t remember who they are of why things happened. What is wrong with me?” I really wanted to know why all these things were happening to me, I needed answers. The lady took off her glasses and put them on the bench beside my bed, she sat on the end of the bed and gave me a concerning look. “You won’t want to hear this, but you have had extreme swelling of the brain. The brains tissue was compressed and that will have a great impact on your memory, some might come back or it might not. We cannot determine the results of the injury, we can do another CAT scan to check if the inflammation of the brain has gone down but I am afraid that is the most we can do to help you.” It took me a few seconds to understand what she was saying; this was all confusing me so much. I shook my head at her, “I don’t understand what you are saying.” I said shakily, I bit my bottom lip and tried to understand. My brain is swollen, lost memories, might get memory back. I didn’t hear what she was saying but I knew the doctor was saying something, I finally figured it out. “I think I understand now..” I said trailing off. All of this was weird to me, how could I end up here? What did I do wrong? I am a good kid, I know there have been times in the past I have slipped off the tracks but I can’t remember what I did. Perhaps this is better for me, what I don’t know won’t hurt me. I was suddenly filled with anger, I felt horrible that I couldn’t remember anything. I felt like I had thrown half my life away because of this, I was such a stupid kid. I was a bad person, but why did I have to be like that? I had great parents who tried to raise me the right way and I threw it all away.

[wolf4ever]

This is so great and fantastic ! Continue !

[You are a Pirate]

Amazing
The only thing is that to interest the reader, maybe you should make the paragraphs shorter and space out the story a bit more.
Otherwise, magnificent work. I really look forward to reading more!

[..::Gymnastikz::..]

OMG thanks guys! I have been writing this since the start of the year and my friends can't believe I am only 13 and write like this...so Thanks!!