Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[TheTravelingWriter]

My apologies for not posting lately; I've been in a bit of an anti-social mood due to something that has recently happened that directly affects my entire family.

Pumpkinz-

My social studies teacher, as well as my English teacher, have been cramming our brains with information about the Civil War era, so I may be able to give you a few pointers.

• Think about the economic base for both countries. Will the Union country be factory based like during the Civil War, whereas their counterpart being agriculture base?
• If slavery is still involved in the Confederate country, would illegal immigration be a problem with the Union country due to the escaped slaves? If so, will this cause tensions between the two countries?
• The laws will probably be far different in the two countries.
• Economy status and political status internationally will probably be polar opposites in both of the countries. Will the Union be a Republic nation? On the other hand, will the Confederacy be a democratic nation?
• How will the economies compare to one another? Will one economy be better than the other? Will one economy have a triple A rating while the other is in a severe depression?
• Will the wars afterwards (World War I, World War II, etc.) have happened with the two countries involved?

That's about all that I can think of at the moment, and I'm always willing to help out a bit since I'm in the midst of the Civil War unit at our school. There are also quite a few reliable resources online that can probably help you out. Also, you can always ask a social studies teacher about how something like that would have affected the world.


My personal rant:

There are only a few teen fiction books that have pleased me to the point that I want to read the entire series. One of the biggest problems to me is how the characters react in the situations that affects them directly. Like if a character has picked up a sword for the very first time, they're usually like "oh this is so easy to lift despite it being a fifty or so pound sword" with no repercussions at all.

I'm just making using this as an example, not hating on the series or anything, but the book Gone has quite a few weird scenes with unrealistic reactions from the characters. Chances are, everyone wouldn't just be panicking and looting the houses for the heck of it; they would hopefully have some sort of common sense to regroup and figure out what to do. The Lightning Thief has a few of these scenes as well, like when Percy first enters the camp after the minotaur fights and just nonchalantly walks around the camp like he's been there his entire life. If that was me in that situation, I would probably end up trying to escape due to thinking I was kidnapped. (But then again, I am clinically paranoid and don't exactly trust what people say all the time.)

[Emotionless]

*Warning*May be slightly confusing/slow/creepy

Chapter One McKenna

McKenna swept up the broken chunks of pottery,and the thinner, wispier pieces of glass. Why would the duchess invite her cousins,and their seven year old son,to the mansion? And as usual,he went around,tearing thought the house,annoying the other maids,stealing their undergarments,and acting like a little angel in front of his parents. How disgraceful!

McKenna hoped Duchess Juvia Loxar, wouldn't see the shards of pottery. Unlike McKenna and the other servants,she loved the boy,and of course,his usual racing up and down the hallowed halls of the Loxar family mansion meant SOMETHING got knocked over,and SOMEONE got fired from their post.

McKenna stamped her foot. Nearly every servant had seen the boy break something or another,but having the threat of being fired over their head made everyone shut up. Most supported about half of their family.

McKenna didn't have to support half her family. She had to support herself. Only herself. Her parents had kicked her out of their house,farther from London,at age 12. Her mother and father had decided to make her work for herself. She no longer had a roof over her head,food on the table,or water in the glass.

She had been alone.

After a year of stealing food in smaller towns,McKenna hadn't known that she had actually been coming closer to London. Her clothes were stained,she had no bag,it had been stolen. She had no home,work,or water.

And then came the day of the new home opening. McKenna heard someone talking about it outside of town,passing her up,racing ahead to the brighter future they had. She figured she could steal SOMETHING from someone there.

So a week later,McKenna walked around,smiling. Drowning out the words from the large stage near the house,she raced though the crowd,and came to a line. She figured it was for something important,maybe to hand out programs or something,because younger children stood in the line. She walked behind a young girl of about 5.

McKenna waited for maybe an hour,fiddling with her shoes or rags of a dress,and finally got to the head of the line. A strict looking woman smiled at her.

"Name,age,and job please." The woman said. McKenna stared at her blankly,and realized she was supposed to say her name,age,and job.

"Oh,umm McKenna,14......maid!" McKenna said. The woman nodded.

"Tommorrow at 12 o'clock,right here again for your interview." The woman smiled,and handed her a form. McKenna didn't know what she had done,but she know one thing-She was in trouble.

Just looking for some constructive criticism.

[nutella ♥]

I'm thinking about posting this in its own CS thread, but first I'm looking for critique.
Edit: I changed some things, heres the newer version.

Chapter one
The Ball


My poofy yellow dress flowed out behind me as I was lifted of the ground in a glass elevator. I hated these things, elevators. They always made me sick, the way they jolt up once you enter it. The ride up to the stage was long, and it took several minutes for the elevator to come to a stop. I sighed with relief and stumbled out of the moving box, tripping over my dress. I cursed loudly.

“Watch your language, young lady.”

I looked to my right to see Cornelius Friar, the king’s advisor. Friar had bright, greasy orange hair that sticks up in the front and is almost completely bald in the back. He has sideburns that come down to below his chin and his big, intense eyes are a very dark shade of brown. He looks kind of silly at first sight, but no one ever says anything to his face. Even though he’s scrawny, he can take you out or have people do it for him.

“Cornelius,” I mumble, shuffling my feet. He and I don’t have a perfect relationship. Friar may only be the kings advisor, but he is probably twice as powerful. He gets me in trouble whenever the can. He leans in towards me, grinning his crooked tooth smile. “Devin, sweetheart, if you screw this up for me, I swear I will personally pulverize you. Understood?” I roll my eyes to the floor. “Yeah, I know, important people will be at this party, don’t embarrass you in front of them, blah blah blah. Whatever.” Cornelius glares at me furiously, nostrils flaring, and turns to check on preparations. One of the maids, Janet, I think her name is, leads me towards a red velvet curtain with gold thread. I guess I’m on the stage, and any moment now the curtain will open and the nobles of Kingswood will all be there to cheer for me.

“You’re on in five,” Janet announces to me with a wink. I nod and take a deep breath. Okay Devin, don’t screw up, don’t screw up.... The curtain opens so quickly I barely have time to think. There stands hundreds of people, all clapping for me. The room is huge and completely creamy white with marble tiles, colorful lights, high ceilings and tall marble pillars. I have to give them credit, this is far better than the rest of our little parties. I wave faintly, forcing a small smile. I look over at Janet, who stands behind the edge of the corner. She urges me on, making a thumbs up sign. I wished it were May behind that curtain instead of Janet. May, my best friend since childhood. May, gone from this world forever....

I grin weakly and advance on the balcony, waving as gracefully as possible to the people. They are all wearing fancy clothing, and they are all looking at me. Me....

A woman with an un naturally long nose, short cropped black hair and a hat that resembled a peacock leads me down the twisting marble steps. I clutch the banister, as if I will fall at any moment. I only stumble once, cursing silently at my extreamly high heels, but no one hears me. The lady with the long nose leads me over to a short stubby man in a tuxedo far to big for him. His top hat was at least three feet tall, and I almost laughed out loud. “This is King Brown of Jaard. His son, Phillip, is here to dance with you!” The peacock lady explains. She gives a squeak and retreats into the crowd, and the room quiets down instantly.

King Brown steps aside, revealing two large brass doors. There are two small glass windows in each door. I look through them and see a tall, scrawny man, no, boy, in a ridiculous red tuxedo and a purple bow-tie. He is a few years younger than me, fourteen? Thirteen, maybe? I know who it is before King Brown even introduces me. Prince Phillip enters the ballroom with a confident stride, and he flashes a smile at a group of camera men beside the guards. He grabs my arm and drags me into the middle. I stumble as we come to a halt, and soft waltz music starts playing. He grabs my hand and puts the other firmly on my waist. I squeak in pain. Cameras flash, and we begin dancing. I hear the crowd giggling and making 'aww' noises. I probably look like a fool, waltzing in high heels with this Phillip boy. I let him drag be along the floor on his own accord. He truly does look ridiculous, just like his father. He is tall, scrawny and almost bald, with a few clumps of long brown hair in the front. I don’t know what the fashion style is in this Jaard place, but in Kingswood this kind of attire would be completely unacceptable. His shoes were blue beach sandals, and they were much too small for him. He had extremely large feet, and he kept stepping on mine. “Ouch,” I mutter. “Watch your step, doofus.” He looks at me with warning in his big blue eyes. “Don’t speak,” he whispers in my ear. His breath smelled of moldy fish. “They’re on to us.”

[hirokas]

I finished chapter four and now I'm out of Iheartpacifismland! One of my POV charries is one of those annoying world-peace people, no offense to them but I'm naturally violent and sarcastic; therefore I want to move on to my far more interesting accidental murderer!

[jessamina.]

Wow, talking about Mary Sues stirred a discussion in here.

Can anyone give crit on a draft of my story?

It seemed like almost a normal morning in Ephemere. Almost, Ada thought, pacing down the street. Smoke erupted from the ironworks’ turrets, musicians tuned their instruments for tonight’s gig, and shop owners began to put up their goods for display, ready for the onslaught of customers in the afternoon. Leaves started to fall off from trees, fiery hues of red and yellow and orange, until the streets are littered with them. Her eyes were downcast, refusing to meet anyone in the eye.

She tried to go as inconspicuous as possible, tucking her molten hair inside a hat, wearing dull conservative clothes, but all her efforts were in vain. Everybody knew her now. Her peripheral vision told her that everyone was looking at her, pointing, nudging and whispering. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could imagine it.

It’s her. The prince’s half-sister.

The autumn leaves crunched underneath her heels, her breathing amplified as if she was inside a tunnel. She wanted to hide in a corner, away from the eyes of the prying crowd and cry herself to sleep. Regretting that she left the safety of her apothecary shop, she trudged on. The Ephemera Train Station was just a couple of blocks away.

Ephemere was also called the City of the Stairwell. Its title befittingly describes it for its unusual appearance, resembling an immense marble stairwell spiraling heavenward. On a closer perspective, it is actually a lizard coiled around a shaft, howling to the endless expanse of the sky.

I know the last paragraph feels out of place, and can anyone tell me how to make it connect?

I think the last paragraph fits pretty well, actually. And as for the crit, I can do it, but not right now since I have to get ready for school. I'll do it when I get home later.

Thank you.
Anyone else? ^^

[scolipede.]

Username:
BloodyCrystal56

What will we call you:
I'm OK with Bloody, or Crystal.

What are your goals as an author?
Well, for one, I want people to be able to enjoy what I create and type/write
Another would be for people to be able to recognize the feelings that I try to create within the piece of work,
One more would be to be able to stick with an idea.

Can you give us a sample of your writing?

He smiled at her mischievously, just like old times. Something was off though, something she couldn’t put her finger on.
He seemed… changed. The air and aura around him had diminished to the kind and loving one, to a darker, more sinister kind. It scared her, to say in the least.
Something caught her eye, it was around his neck and it glistened with a beauty unmatched. Next to her Kyle raised an eyebrow, “What’re you doing here, Leo? I thought you had abandoned all of us.”
A laughed was heard, rumbling from deep within the boy in front of them, his dark brown hair in wild directions, and silver eyes shining with malice of no kind she had ever seen. What was wrong with him? Why was he acting like this? It was like he was being controlled by some puppet master.
He caught her eye and asked, “What’re you looking at? Do you like my new necklace? Beautiful, isn’t it.” He grinned and continued, “It was my mother’s. She treasured it above most everything else. It was given to her when my father proposed to her. She lost the ring that came alongside it. Pity, I liked the ring as well.”
She inspected the necklace closer and her eyes widened at what she saw. Red, a bright and brilliant red, almost like the color of blood.
It dawned on her like a wave crashing on shore. The whole world shook around her, her mind wandered in every direction and her eyes bulged out. Her pupils began to dilate and she asked shakily, “You… t-tell me you didn’t. P-please, please tell me you d-didn’t.” His grin threw all of her hopes away.
“Oh, but I did, my dear sweet Nala.” His grin widened, if possible,
“It was a waste to keep either of them here. They didn’t have anything. Worthless pieces of garbage, they all are. It was a premonition that came true. I only did what my god, and lord, had wished.”
She recovered from her shock and soon her sadness and betrayal had dispersed. All that was left was an unknown anger coming from somewhere deep, deep within. A place not even herself could figure out.

I wrote that a little bit ago 8D It was a random thought~
Are you currently working on any books?
No, not really. I can't seem to stay on one topic to create one. I can't find one single topic that interests me enough to continue it.

Why do you want to join?
I want to be able to talk with others who like, or love, to write like me. I also want to try and help, or be helped, since help never hurt anyone. I like to help read other people's stories and enjoy some of the criticism.

Do you have published books yet?
No .3.

Do you wish to find a "writing partner"?
I'd be glad to work with someone if they want a partner ^^ I guess that could be yes.

What's your favorite genre to read? Write?
My favorite genre to read would be Fantasy, sometimes Historical Fiction. To write, it would be Fantasy.

Were you a member of the old thread?
Nope, fresh meat is me~

[city;]

Username:

r o s e

What will we call you:

rose

What are your goals as an author?

To get my ideas out there. I'll go on these long winded debates about politics, and where the world is going. And since I'm not planning on world domination, I have to settle for simply writing it down, and making sure its interesting.

Can you give us a sample of your writing?

x Just a few examples from here. I'll need to type my normal book soon as I can get to a normal computer.

Are you currently working on any books?

Yup! A zombie apocalypse one. It takes place in NY!

Why do you want to join?

Oh, where to start?!

How about I tell it like a fairy tale? Ok, here we go!

Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl, desperate for someone to help her with her writing. For example, google can suck at times. All she wants to know is when and where to use a semi-colon, or is that a good place to put a comma, or is this a great time to put a twist? Many of these things and more crossed her mind.

Suddenly, a thought struck her. What if I check Chicken Smoothie!? They have something for almost everything!

So, she set out on an epic and enduring quest, until a kind-hearted member mentioned this. She has been scouring the site for weeks, searching and searching for answers. Finally, she found it.

Do you have published books yet?

No, but I did get a letter from a publisher.

Do you wish to find a "writing partner"?

Sure! It'll be fun!

What's your favorite genre to read?  Write?

I'll read just about anything. I do like Sci-Fi best though.

Were you a member of the old thread?

No.

[MBRShorse]

Rose, you are accepted! Welcome! I'm glad you found us because I totally forgot to send you the link >.<!

[Pumpkinz-]

*ChibiFoxeh*

Great Story! A little more description maybe with what the room looks like. I certainly liked it!

*Emotionless*

I think that you use McKenna a lot. It seems to be in third person, but try starting it with maybe: Washing the walls, she fell over a giant unicorn lamp.: You don't have too, that's just my opinion.

*TheTravelingWriter*

Thanks! I am definatly going to put this to mind. We are learning about the Civil War too in my history class but I have bad 'allergies' and had to stay home. I'm not allergic to anything that I know of, the doctor thinks it's too much pollen in the air where I am.

[Emotionless]

*ChibiFoxeh*

Great Story! A little more description maybe with what the room looks like. I certainly liked it!

*Emotionless*

I think that you use McKenna a lot. It seems to be in third person, but try starting it with maybe: Washing the walls, she fell over a giant unicorn lamp.: You don't have too, that's just my opinion.

*TheTravelingWriter*

Thanks! I am definatly going to put this to mind. We are learning about the Civil War too in my history class but I have bad 'allergies' and had to stay home. I'm not allergic to anything that I know of, the doctor thinks it's too much pollen in the air where I am.

Thanks for the suggestion. But it's supposed to be in the past...I don't know if they had unicorn lamps then....or if SHE would knock over the glass,she's very coordinated and not clumsy.