Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[Snow Eevee]

My Story
Hey all! I am MAJORLY looking for critiques at the moment do PLEASE Read my story, comment, and vote. It would mean the world to me! Thanks a ton XD

[Pumpkinz-]

Username:
Pumpkinz-

What will we call you:
Pumpkinz-

What are your goals as an author?
*Use greater language
* Be able to write correctly, not past tense then future tense and present tense all at the same time XD
* More description

Can you give us a sample of your writing?
Okay, let me get something from my journal that is currently lying on my bed...got it! Hope it is good enough.

{ I don't exactly understand the meaning of no. It's not like I don't know what no means, but I don't know when I should stop doing something. As I lay on the top limb of a tree, I can hear the wind whispering for me to come down and join my family on their picnic at the park. My left leg slips off the thin branch and swings loosely by my side. There is a shout from below and I peer down cautiously through the thick of leaves to see my blonde haired sister waving to me from below.
"Come on down!" She yelled.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
"Mom said your not allowed up there. She said, no climbing to the top!" She said, putting her tiny hands on her hips. The wind lifted her hair from her shoulders and forced it to swim along. The pink dress she wore completed the 'barbie' look and made her look, to me, stuck up as ever.
"No climbing!" My mom yelled, walking over to her.
There it is again, the word no. The word I cannot process in my 2 pound brain of smartness. I got up and stood at the top, balancing on the two feet that supported my 100 pound body.
I can hear my mother gasping as she realized what I was about to do.
"No! I said, no! Don't you dare jump from that height!" She screamed.
I looked down and saw a trampoline. Perfect. So I jumped, probably to my death. }

Are you currently working on any books?
No.

Why do you want to join?
I would like to improve my writing and see what others have to say. I also like to edit spelling mistakes. I think that if I join, I can fix my writing up and make it seem more realistic and descriptive.

Do you have published books yet?
No. I hope to make a book one day though.

Do you wish to find a "writing partner"?
No.

What's your favorite genre to read? Write?
Fantasy. To write, I think historical fiction.

Were you a member of the old thread?
No. Didn't know there was another one.

[*~.Imagination.~*]

Accepted! ^-^ Welcome!

[goldh31]

The Shelter Dog

A dog sits alone,
alone in his cage.

His eyes are closed,
his bones brittle with age.

For he has been torn from his very own home.
And now he sits,
sits all alone.

Sure, his owners were mean.
Sure, they hit him a bit.

But he loved them,
he loved them through all of it.

He was there,
through the thick and the thin.
And he helped the young boy to hold up his chin.

The boy is gone now,
he knows that you see.

Yet he sits and waits,
waits patiently.

He waits for the boy to come bring him home,
to a place that is his very own.

But as he waits,
his whiskers turn white
and he almost tries to give up the fight.

As the little old dog starts to age,
they go through his records page by page.

Abandoned, abused, alone and neglected.
Quite a sad story they have selected.

The little dog withers,
withers and dies,
with no one there to hear his cries.

No one is there to hold his hand,
to be with him 'till the bitter end.

And as the dog passes,
passes away,

His eyes fill with sadness as they try to say,
"Don't cry for me, I'm in a better place."

And with those last words,
he lays down his head,
his eyes close and then he is dead.

((I would love some critique...thanks a million.I'm considering submitting this for a contest at our local shelter but I want it to be the best it possibly can be first.))

[Pumpkinz-]

Thank you for accepting me.

I am currently trying to write a story about the Civil War. In the story I am writing about the main charactor who is living in the future where the south has won the civil war.
I need some other writers opinions on how do you think the world would be like if the south won the war and both sides succeeded in becoming seperate countries.

[Silverhart]

Welcome Pumpkinz! Hooray for more historical fiction writers! I've finally decided on a setting for my story, it's going to take place a little after World War II. It won't be an alternate universe thing like that, but I love that idea. I really do. I think there would be a lot of political tension in a situation like that. I think they would be like two completly different countries, maybe as different as Britain is from the USA today. And there might still be a lot of conflict between the two. You could go in a hundred different ways with that one. Are they trying to work together now, is there still tension between the two, or do they just operate completly independently from each other? It's a great idea!

And sorry to everyone else. I've just been kind of busy to read over everything and critique right now, doing research for my own story. And I'm really sort of horrible at critiquing poetry, sorry.

goldh31, that poem is so sad and sweet! Unfortunatly I can't really critique it, because I'm really awful at poetry. But I think it's pretty good so far.

[rheia]

The Shelter Dog

A dog sits alone,
alone in his cage.

His eyes are closed,
his bones brittle with age.

For he has been torn from his very own home.
And now he sits,
sits all alone.

Sure, his owners were mean.
Sure, they hit him a bit.

But he loved them,
he loved them through all of it.

He was there,
through the thick and the thin.
And he helped the young boy to hold up his chin.

The boy is gone now,
he knows that you see.

Yet he sits and waits,
waits patiently.

He waits for the boy to come bring him home,
to a place that is his very own.

But as he waits,
his whiskers turn white
and he almost tries to give up the fight.

As the little old dog starts to age,
they go through his records page by page.

Abandoned, abused, alone and neglected.
Quite a sad story they have selected.

The little dog withers,
withers and dies,
with no one there to hear his cries.

No one is there to hold his hand,
to be with him 'till the bitter end.

And as the dog passes,
passes away,

His eyes fill with sadness as they try to say,
"Don't cry for me, I'm in a better place."

And with those last words,
he lays down his head,
his eyes close and then he is dead.

((I would love some critique...thanks a million.I'm considering submitting this for a contest at our local shelter but I want it to be the best it possibly can be first.))

I like it. c: I can't see anything wrong with it.

So, I wrote this poem last year, but I never thought to get critique, so I'm going to post it here to see what you guys think. Please note, I am in no way a poet. xD This is the only semi-good poem I've ever written.



Why do other people always see,
A girl who’s someone, but not me?
I’m not brave, or strong or smart,
I don’t have a large and forgiving heart.
I’m just the girl with the cuts on her arm,
The girl who shows her pain with harm.

I’m not the girl who’s always calm,
I’m the girl with the single line on her palm.
I’m not the one who’s in control,
I’m the one who wants to die in a hole.
I’m not the child living out carefree days,
I’m the child biding my time until I leave this place.

Why do other people always see,
A girl who’s someone, but not me?
I’m not brave, or strong or smart,
I don’t have a large and forgiving heart.
I’m just the girl with the cuts on her arm,
The girl who shows her pain with harm.

Why do people talk behind my back?
They don’t talk truth, they just talk smack.
Why am I still here, alive?
I don’t have what it takes to survive.
Someone come, take away this pain,
Please, help me, I’m going insane.

I’m hurting inside, why can’t you see,
That that someone you’re looking at, isn’t me?
I want your help, just take a look,
Look closer, you’ll read me like an open book.
I’m sick in the head, I need your help,
Before it’s too late, before it ends with a yelp.



It's sort of like a song, but a poem at the same time. x3

[Pumpkinz-]

Thats a neat idea, Silverhart, with a WWII setting. Do you plan on posting some of it on here? I love historical fiction stories.

In mine, I just started so I am doing some research on the Civil War and what it would be like if the South won. I am being told it wouldn't have survived in being a seperate country. Guess, I will have to start being imaginative in that area. Yeah for creativity!

*The Shelter Dog*

I think it is a poem about how sad a sheltered life can be. Are you trying to make it happy and for the shelter or against it?
I do like it, it is sad but it's a great way to show how a dog's life can be. I love the description and where it goes, " But as he waits,
his whiskers turn white and he almost tries to give up the fight. " it is showing how he is aging. Great way to rhyme too.

[Silverhart]

I might post some of it. Depends on how it goes. I'm really hoping it turns out good. I haven't even come up with names for the characters yet, but I already know who they're gonna be. Plot's still kind of sketchy, but I'll work it out in the first draft. I just wanna get a pretty good idea on what life was like back then. I've never actually written anything in that era. It's fun, but also a little daunting because of all the information to sift through.

[Hybrid]

Cor I just read an ENTIRE critique by The Easter Bunny on only the first 250 words of my novel 'Hybrid'. Oh lord I have so much to edit and change, this will take a LONG time...I must say though...curse you Word, you added false semi-colons! >:CIt was very helpful though, I would suggest them to anyone :3