Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[Snow Eevee]

The two stories in my siggy are in need of Critiques! Please read and post!

[Mrs.NiallHoran]

In the Ocean
Hufflepuffgal

Arms of water grabbed me
pulled away from my rock
I screamed and screamed
I knew I was alive
My head hit a rock
cutting off my scream
I was going to die
screaming in my ears
lights in my eyes
But not yet
shoes slipped against the algae
tied the rope around my waist
to keep myself from being dragged
my hands were too cold and shredded
my rain jacket had been sliced
smeared with blood
pockets were filled with water, weighing me down
I breathed silently, no air left to scream.


(Taken from pages 190 and 191 in Sand Dollar Summer.)

How is it? any advice?

[Pangolin]

I'm also looking for crit on the poem I wrote. Warning, it's pretty dark...


Take me
Away

Stop my
Tears

Pull me
Under

Down and away from the
Living

The death of a
Child

The life drained with my own
Hands

My life slowly left my
Body

The feeling of freedom
So sweet
Like honey

He pulls me
Down

Dries my
Tears

Takes my
Life

And my
Soul

I'm happier
Here

Then I was with the
Living

[jessamina.]

Wow, talking about Mary Sues stirred a discussion in here.

Can anyone give crit on a draft of my story?

It seemed like almost a normal morning in Ephemere. Almost, Ada thought, pacing down the street. Smoke erupted from the ironworks’ turrets, musicians tuned their instruments for tonight’s gig, and shop owners began to put up their goods for display, ready for the onslaught of customers in the afternoon. Leaves started to fall off from trees, fiery hues of red and yellow and orange, until the streets are littered with them. Her eyes were downcast, refusing to meet anyone in the eye.

She tried to go as inconspicuous as possible, tucking her molten hair inside a hat, wearing dull conservative clothes, but all her efforts were in vain. Everybody knew her now. Her peripheral vision told her that everyone was looking at her, pointing, nudging and whispering. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could imagine it.

It’s her. The prince’s half-sister.

The autumn leaves crunched underneath her heels, her breathing amplified as if she was inside a tunnel. She wanted to hide in a corner, away from the eyes of the prying crowd and cry herself to sleep. Regretting that she left the safety of her apothecary shop, she trudged on. The Ephemera Train Station was just a couple of blocks away.

Ephemere was also called the City of the Stairwell. Its title befittingly describes it for its unusual appearance, resembling an immense marble stairwell spiraling heavenward. On a closer perspective, it is actually a lizard coiled around a shaft, howling to the endless expanse of the sky.

I know the last paragraph feels out of place, and can anyone tell me how to make it connect?

[Emotionless]

*Warning*May be slightly confusing/slow/creepy

Chapter One McKenna

McKenna swept up the broken chunks of pottery,and the thinner, wispier pieces of glass. Why would the duchess invite her cousins,and their seven year old son,to the mansion? And as usual,he went around,tearing thought the house,annoying the other maids,stealing their undergarments,and acting like a little angel in front of his parents. How disgraceful!

McKenna hoped Duchess Juvia Loxar, wouldn't see the shards of pottery. Unlike McKenna and the other servants,she loved the boy,and of course,his usual racing up and down the hallowed halls of the Loxar family mansion meant SOMETHING got knocked over,and SOMEONE got fired from their post.

McKenna stamped her foot. Nearly every servant had seen the boy break something or another,but having the threat of being fired over their head made everyone shut up. Most supported about half of their family.

McKenna didn't have to support half her family. She had to support herself. Only herself. Her parents had kicked her out of their house,farther from London,at age 12. Her mother and father had decided to make her work for herself. She no longer had a roof over her head,food on the table,or water in the glass.

She had been alone.

After a year of stealing food in smaller towns,McKenna hadn't known that she had actually been coming closer to London. Her clothes were stained,she had no bag,it had been stolen. She had no home,work,or water.

And then came the day of the new home opening. McKenna heard someone talking about it outside of town,passing her up,racing ahead to the brighter future they had. She figured she could steal SOMETHING from someone there.

So a week later,McKenna walked around,smiling. Drowning out the words from the large stage near the house,she raced though the crowd,and came to a line. She figured it was for something important,maybe to hand out programs or something,because younger children stood in the line. She walked behind a young girl of about 5.

McKenna waited for maybe an hour,fiddling with her shoes or rags of a dress,and finally got to the head of the line. A strict looking woman smiled at her.

"Name,age,and job please." The woman said. McKenna stared at her blankly,and realized she was supposed to say her name,age,and job.

"Oh,umm McKenna,14......maid!" McKenna said. The woman nodded.

"Tommorrow at 12 o'clock,right here again for your interview." The woman smiled,and handed her a form. McKenna didn't know what she had done,but she know one thing-She was in trouble.

[nutella ♥]

I would critique, but I must say I'm not very helpful. XD

[Hoof]

Wow, talking about Mary Sues stirred a discussion in here.

Can anyone give crit on a draft of my story?

It seemed like almost a normal morning in Ephemere. Almost, Ada thought, pacing down the street. Smoke erupted from the ironworks’ turrets, musicians tuned their instruments for tonight’s gig, and shop owners began to put up their goods for display, ready for the onslaught of customers in the afternoon. Leaves started to fall off from trees, fiery hues of red and yellow and orange, until the streets are littered with them. Her eyes were downcast, refusing to meet anyone in the eye.

She tried to go as inconspicuous as possible, tucking her molten hair inside a hat, wearing dull conservative clothes, but all her efforts were in vain. Everybody knew her now. Her peripheral vision told her that everyone was looking at her, pointing, nudging and whispering. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could imagine it.

It’s her. The prince’s half-sister.

The autumn leaves crunched underneath her heels, her breathing amplified as if she was inside a tunnel. She wanted to hide in a corner, away from the eyes of the prying crowd and cry herself to sleep. Regretting that she left the safety of her apothecary shop, she trudged on. The Ephemera Train Station was just a couple of blocks away.

Ephemere was also called the City of the Stairwell. Its title befittingly describes it for its unusual appearance, resembling an immense marble stairwell spiraling heavenward. On a closer perspective, it is actually a lizard coiled around a shaft, howling to the endless expanse of the sky.

I know the last paragraph feels out of place, and can anyone tell me how to make it connect?

I think the last paragraph fits pretty well, actually. And as for the crit, I can do it, but not right now since I have to get ready for school. I'll do it when I get home later. :)

[goldh31]

Username:
Goldh31

What will we call you:
Gold, Goldie...Something along that line.

What are your goals as an author?
Um...
1.Publish a book of poems.
2.Get a Pulitzer Prize for Poetry.(Never gonna happen but we all have impossible dreams)
3.Have enough courage to ever actually publish a book of poems.
4.Write a happy poem for once.
5. Become a professional poet.
Can you give us a sample of your writing?

One Final Goodbye

A silent tear,
A sniff goodbye.

That's all there was
with you and I.

No heartfelt kiss,
no warm embrace.

There is a sadness,
I can't erase.

I look for you now
far and near.

For a cocked head,
a listening ear.

But no one comes
when I call.

No loving paws,
survive it all.

I can't help feeling,
this is wrong.

You should be here,
where you belong.

But your loving spirit,
has left my side.

To join Heaven,
up in the sky.

For god has lifted his mighty hand,
picked you to fulfill his plan.

There is nothing I can do,
only this I can say to you.

Some are born,
and some will stay.

Some are here,
to go away.

Some are meant,
to fill with joy,

the lives of others,
my pretty boy.

And with that,
I will say goodbye.

To all that is you,
though it makes me cry.

Have fun,
go live in the sky.

I miss what was,
you and I.

And I know,
though you've gone away.

You've made Earth,
a better place.

Rest in peace,
my golden guy.

because for now,
I will say goodbye.

Are you currently working on any books?
No

Why do you want to join?
I want to join because I want a place to share my poems where I have nothing at stake. I can't share them with anyone I know, I'm too shy, so this is the perfect place for me to get critique on my poems. The thread is a great idea and I think the critique that they give here is really good.

Do you have published books yet?
No

Do you wish to find a "writing partner"?
No

What's your favorite genre to read? Write?
I like to read fantasy & realistic fiction. I like to write poetry.

Were you a member of the old thread?
no

[Pangolin]

Yes, everyone was accepted, but from here on out, you have to get the owner or mini-mod to accept you. ^^'

[*~.Imagination.~*]

Oh, I thought I accepted everyone. XD Derp. Must remember to look at pages I missed.