Our Aspiring Writers League (O.A.W.L)

[Into the Sky]

Tangy Watermelons- I read it and I think it's really good. I haven't noticed any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes and the only thing I can find wrong with it is that no one really knows what is happening yet xD But I guess that is because it is the first chapter and a bit of mystery won't do any harm : P Other than that I really enjoyed it! Sounds interesting; PM me the rest when you write it?

I agree! It sounds great so far. It kinda reminds me of the Hunger Games. :3

[You are a Pirate]

Hey guys! Haha, long time no see XD
Do you mind critiquing a short piece I wrote for boredom? It's a bit of a continuation to a previous story I wrote, but with the target audience being a bit more mature, so it may be confusing. Any help is much appreciated <3


Captain Sylvester Gorgonzola frowned. All seemed to be well, but he couldn’t help feeling uneasy. It was as if he was being watched. Well, judging from what his GPS had said, he was. He should have been happy. He had finally achieved his goal. He’d gotten the All-Tie. He was rich beyond his wildest dreams. The captain absentmindedly played with a golden doubloon in his hand. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the feeling that tormented him day by day. Every day, Sylvester checked the radars for any sign of the ninjas or an enemy ship. Nothing. Of course. It’s always nothing.
Finally, the captain understood. He felt empty. There was nothing left to do. Now he realized why he scoured the seas every day. He was searching for an adventure.

It was really short XD
If it is confusing, does anyone mind looking over my previous writing with Captain Sylvester Gorgonzola as well?

Tangy Watermelons:
I love it so far! It was very compelling and I couldn't bring myself to stop reading. You did a marvelous job bringing the reader into the story, although I was a bit confused on one part, when Runce told Skye "I'll be looking forward to your Cleansing.". Was the public whipping just Skye's imagination or was he referring to a later Cleansing? Aside from that, I loved it and your characters and situation were very believable.

Edit:
I'm looking for a writing partner. Does anybody mind pairing up with me? I can write first and third person; I've never tried second person but I'm willing to try. I only write past tense though, the other ones confuse me XD
I can write basically any genre ^^

[Raneth]

Tangy-Watermelons-It's alright. However, I noticed myself getting bored partway through for a few reasons.

-You use quite a bit of passive voice. Most descriptions consist of "It was sunny," or "it was a beautiful day." Change up your sentences.

-Most importantly, there's a ton of telling language, where the character tells the audience things nearly to the point of infodumping. In small doses that's fine, but I felt like I was getting overwhelmed with it, especially because she takes the time to say that so and so got a bunch of cleansings, and that most families don't have hunters like her-but then you never get to the meat of what those things actually are. I would consider using more character interaction to let people know about the fact that she's a hunter and that so and so got a bunch of cleansings-don't just have the character say it randomly to the audience. When you do that, that frees up space for your characters to at least give hints as to what those terms mean.

-It reminds me too much of the Hunger Games. Some people would consider that a good thing, but to me that suggests that you need to work a bit harder to make your story unique.

[Pangolin]

Tangy-Watermelons-It's alright. However, I noticed myself getting bored partway through for a few reasons.

-You use quite a bit of passive voice. Most descriptions consist of "It was sunny," or "it was a beautiful day." Change up your sentences.

-Most importantly, there's a ton of telling language, where the character tells the audience things nearly to the point of infodumping. In small doses that's fine, but I felt like I was getting overwhelmed with it, especially because she takes the time to say that so and so got a bunch of cleansings, and that most families don't have hunters like her-but then you never get to the meat of what those things actually are. I would consider using more character interaction to let people know about the fact that she's a hunter and that so and so got a bunch of cleansings-don't just have the character say it randomly to the audience. When you do that, that frees up space for your characters to at least give hints as to what those terms mean.

-It reminds me too much of the Hunger Games. Some people would consider that a good thing, but to me that suggests that you need to work a bit harder to make your story unique.

I'm going to have to agree. I just read it, and I got bored with it pretty fast, and there wasn't really any detail. I couldn't get into the story if I couldn't see what was happening or if it confused me. First she's walking, then she's getting whipped then she's with a guy? What? It was very hard to follow. I saw a good amount of spelling mistakes and grammar issues that can easily be fixed if it's re-read.

~ From one Writer to Another.

[nutella ♥]

@ Tangy-Watermelons
Yes, it did remind me a lot of the Hunger Games, because of the hunting bit, the public whipping, the illegal trades ext. I for one thought things were happening too fast and that the idea wasn't very unique, because it reminds me of many other stories I've read on CS. That and a few spelling mistakes, but thats no biggie.
I think if you could write a more unique story, it would be great!
No offense intended, just an honest opinion.

[wildfire6]

Just got home, there was a shooting across the street and I was stuck at my school FOREVER
Yeah... Now I'm gonna come up with a storyline for that

[Annwyn]

Username: .:Afflicted:.
What will we call you: Selphy, if you please.

What are your goals as an author?
☇ To be recognized as a good writer by a decent amout of people {atleast a hundred or so ^^}, whether or not it's wishful thinking on my part, I'd like to achieve a few fans of my work.
☇ To write a full book, and a pretty adequate one at that!
☇ To publish a few of my better poems.
☇ Learn better writing techniques to keep the reader interested, and find more {and better} words and phrases to use in desriptions ^^.

Can you give us a sample of your writing?

{Aℓєsαиα}
Bound Slave||17||Single

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[/center]

Alesana was an innocent. She had no idea what she was in for when she was sold to the family of the older man, Sutcliff. The young girl had only turned 17 the passing week, making her fit for trade. Her curves weren't very prominent under her basic gown, but it was obvious she was hiding a thin body underneath the fabric. Her face was round, heart-shaped, and had a set of large black eyes set under thin black eyebrows. Alesana's hair, like the rest of her, was a raven's black. Her bangs were cut straight across and stopped just as they reached her eyes, the rest of her hair being the same straight, one-length style down to her shoulders. The girls skin was fair, and it was clear she had never been through anything any more severe than house work. She was innocent still, unaware of the terrible, and trully sickening things people are capable of. The head of the Sutcliff family, Master Grell, smirked as he placed the hightest bid, as always, and won the prize of the young girl, as always....

She radiated light, he thought as he obsereved her standing behind the bars of the slavery cart. And he smiled. She was his type; beautiful, making good eye candy whether he's in the mood for her or not, innocent, unexpecting, full of hope. Grell was going to ruin her. That light around her would die, and be replaced by a darkness churning inside her that's prepared to overtake her soul and eat her alive. He began to wring his hands in the suspense of the later days and years with this girl. Alesana was his property now, as fas as society was concerned, merely an object in his posession; it was none of their concern as to what happens next, not even her family. if she even had one, that is. Grell watched as they escorted her from the slave cart, how carefully she stepped down the stairs and across the dirt towards him. Her face and easy smile told him she was hopeful about her experience with him, hoping for a good master that wouldn't beat her horribly or try to starve her, hoping for a man to care for her. He smirked. She was in the wrong place for such a thing.

Alesana stopped infront of Grell several steps away from him, she smiled, but did not speak. He didn't care though, he didn't purchase this thing for talking, purely for enjoyment. He motioned for her to reach out an arm, and clipped a cuff to her hand when she did. The chain was long, so she could trail behing him as far as 10 feet as they made their way to the carriage, if she wished. She seemed suprised as the cuff snapped on, obviously she wasn't accustomed to such things. But that will change. he thought darkly. Grell smiled the whole way back to the carriage, how could he not? He finally got a new toy.

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Are you currently working on any books? Yes, several actually! ^^

Why do you want to join? Well, I've been beating around the bush with writing by writing some short stories, poems, and lyrics of my own in my spare time. I've been afraid to show people my work, because really...I'm pretty self-conscience about what people will think of it x3. So to get rid of some of my writing-inspiration build-up, I've been roleplaying as much as possible. And recently alot of people have been telling me, along with my friends that have snuck a peek in my writing book, have been telling me to take up writing :3. This page seemed like a good place to start because I'd be able to get some non-biased opinions and advice, so here I am!

Do you have published books yet? I'd like to, no but, none as of yet. :3

Do you wish to find a "writing partner"? That wasn't really my intention, but if anyone is interested in working with me I'd be grateful for the oppertunity. :)

What's your favorite genre to read? Write? My favorite thing to read is typically gothic romance/horror or regular horror, and to write, well just about anything fictional! It depends on what kind of inspiration I have, usually it's a paranormal or gothic with some romance mixed in.

Were you a member of the old thread? Hehe, no. xD

[You are a Pirate]

Sorry for posting so soon, but I would really like some critique on this ^^

.:Save me:.
Part One


“Fenrir? Fenrir, where are you? Fenrir!” Francis choked down a sob as he continued his search for the young mouse. '‘Tis a pity, to be left without care at such a young age.' He sighed. He understood why she had run off, as much as he tried to conceal it. 'It still doesn’t explain why one would do such a foolish thing. The Sire Charles wouldn’t survive in the sewers by himself, let alone a mere pup!' Francis ran on, hoping the rats hadn’t gotten to Fenrir. If they had…Francis swallowed. He daren’t think such a thing.
“Fenrir, prithee! Oh, where are you?” He called. Francis had never been close to the pup, they had rarely spoken to one another, and when they had it was usually just a respectful ‘Hullo’. In fact, it was only by the Sire’s word that he had gone to seek the child at all. But Francis understood her pain. He understood how she needed to get away, to try to escape the weight on her shoulders. In her he saw himself.
After what seemed like miles, Francis emerged into a small clearing where the sewage water veered to one side. There he saw the child. She was sitting near the rotten river, her clean brown fur now dirty and matted. “Fenrir?” She didn’t look up. “Fenrir, prithee, speak to me.” He waited for a reply from her. There was none. “This is Francis. I have come to find you. “ Francis whispered gently as the lass sat on.
“It was not fair.” Fenrir whimpered softly. “What hath I done to deserve this? Hath I not been good? Is this the Lord’s punishment upon me?”
“Lass, you are not being fair on yourself.” Francis stepped closer to the pup. “Sometimes, incidents occur-“
“If tis were a mere incident she wouldn’t be gone!” Fenrir snarled with such force that Francis staggered back, almost toppling into the dank waters of the sewer.
“Prithee, child, listen to me.” Francis tried to say something to comfort her, although he knew it was all in vain. The lass did not want comfort or sympathy. All she needed was time by herself. “Very well.” He sighed. “If I cannot comfort you, does thee mind if I sit alongside you to mourn?”

[SilverDust144]

It's really good, but very confusing in the beginning due to how your sentences are. It seems to be choppy in the beginning and hard to follow because I feel like it goes off from one thought to another. Not trying to be mean or anything, just trying to help and give an onest opinion.

Sorry for posting so soon, but I would really like some critique on this ^^

.:Save me:.
Part One


“Fenrir? Fenrir, where are you? Fenrir!” Francis choked down a sob as he continued his search for the young mouse. '‘Tis a pity, to be left without care at such a young age.' He sighed. He understood why she had run off, as much as he tried to conceal it. 'It still doesn’t explain why one would do such a foolish thing. The Sire Charles wouldn’t survive in the sewers by himself, let alone a mere pup!' Francis ran on, hoping the rats hadn’t gotten to Fenrir. If they had…Francis swallowed. He daren’t think such a thing.
“Fenrir, prithee! Oh, where are you?” He called. Francis had never been close to the pup, they had rarely spoken to one another, and when they had it was usually just a respectful ‘Hullo’. In fact, it was only by the Sire’s word that he had gone to seek the child at all. But Francis understood her pain. He understood how she needed to get away, to try to escape the weight on her shoulders. In her he saw himself.
After what seemed like miles, Francis emerged into a small clearing where the sewage water veered to one side. There he saw the child. She was sitting near the rotten river, her clean brown fur now dirty and matted. “Fenrir?” She didn’t look up. “Fenrir, prithee, speak to me.” He waited for a reply from her. There was none. “This is Francis. I have come to find you. “ Francis whispered gently as the lass sat on.
“It was not fair.” Fenrir whimpered softly. “What hath I done to deserve this? Hath I not been good? Is this the Lord’s punishment upon me?”
“Lass, you are not being fair on yourself.” Francis stepped closer to the pup. “Sometimes, incidents occur-“
“If tis were a mere incident she wouldn’t be gone!” Fenrir snarled with such force that Francis staggered back, almost toppling into the dank waters of the sewer.
“Prithee, child, listen to me.” Francis tried to say something to comfort her, although he knew it was all in vain. The lass did not want comfort or sympathy. All she needed was time by herself. “Very well.” He sighed. “If I cannot comfort you, does thee mind if I sit alongside you to mourn?”

[Raneth]

Random writer rant- I hate it when I have a fun setting but no plot to go with it. I also hate the utter crapshoot that fame is. I've read all kinds of books, and I feel like the authors who get "famous" truthfully aren't that much better (and are sometimes worse) than midlist authors.

I also hate hate hate submitting to literary agents. As an author you're trying to give them something good, but you get treated like dirt because it's you and 1000000 other people vying for their attention. And even when they do read your MS, they don't always give you feedback when they reject it. I know it's not meant as disrespect, but it certainly feels like it.

E-publishing is much friendlier.