trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

today is it. today marks one year exactly since we became friends. according to facebook, anyway.

it's been almost six months since we last spoke now. I wonder how you're doing now. has life been treating you well? are you still living with the same people? did you ever manage to get that new job you were after? have you met new friends, have you found someone special? do you ever still think about me?

I've been doing better as of late. I may be in the same financial crisis you were at this time now, but at least, overall, mentally, I feel better about myself. my writing's really been taking off. I've started to feel more like I've found my purpose. I've made some new friends. I've continued to work on getting past my social anxiety issues. I've begun to have more ease speaking up in class. I've been volunteering to do more things in the area. I'm definitely doing better than I was a full year ago.

I still think about you often. less than I used to, but you're still there in the back of my mind. sometimes I'll be out and suddenly I'll smell a certain scent, or hear a phrase off a friend, and just like that I'll be snapped back to some sort of moment with you. my memories of you have started to become distant, to the point sometimes they feel like they were all just some sort of crazy dream sequence I had last year. though if I try hard enough, I can still picture you, your crooked teeth and that dumb squeaky laughter you'd always let out after observing my reactions to your so-called jokes.

I'm planning on writing a short piece about you for my current fiction writing class. if it goes over well, I might present it for the panel I agreed to speak on in april. I've also been heavily considering writing a whole book about the few fleeting months between us, as well. I honestly hope you'll get to see it one day. and once you do, maybe then you'll finally start to see things from my perspective. I wish I could see things from your perspective, too.

sometimes I really do want to reach out to you again. I genuinely want to know how you are. if you're doing alright. maybe to press deeper. and try and force some answers out of you. I just... I just wish I knew where we went wrong. was it something I did? was I too clingy? was it my lack of social skills? was it because of that one night, where I cracked myself open for you to see just what was on the inside? or was it simply all on you?

I ponder sometimes just why it does all boil down to you. why did you leave such a huge impression on me? we only knew each other well for a good three months before it all broke apart. in the end, nothing even really happened much between us. we never technically were together, even though I've come to know now you did like me in that way, before you decided to change your mind and the tables turned as suddenly it was me aimlessly after you. it's not like we even really got into any sort of huge disagreement before we broke off. technically we didn't even fight once. it was just me holding things in, only to tell myself later it was all just fine, and your occasional very passive-aggressive remarks. technically we still went our separate ways as friends. though it would be silly to say we went our separate ways that day with the exact same, happy friendship we had in the start. I guess it was just the fact you made me feel so special, like nobody else had before. you used all those pet names on me, and checked up on me every day, and always invited me over all the time. but then of course you had to go and turn on me. all those pet names became crude names instead. I turned into the one doing all the checking up. somehow it became your mission to anger me. I remember professing over and over again that you could never make me angry. when aa confronted you about it that one night, your answer was that "one day, one of us will prove the other wrong". I guess you did prove me wrong in the end. but I didn't get angry with you till well after we departed, and I realized just the mess you left me in.

at least I've managed to get out of that mess. if anything, what all happened between us has made me a whole lot stronger. I don't know if that strength is always necessarily for the better though. I've become very wary of others and who I trust to let in. I'm pretty certain I'm also gonna be staying single for awhile as well, since I've had a lot of trouble seeing the light in anyone these days. I've sort of come to feel like the only person I can trust is myself. I haven't even told anyone the slightest detail about what all happened in those months of last year. maybe I'll wait to do it in the grand old release of my book.

ah, I don't even really know what the whole point of this letter was. just more of me pondering my time with you, like I've been doing for a full 365 days now. I wonder if I'll hear at all from you anytime soon. my birthday's approaching soon. yours is exactly one week after mine. if you wish me a happy birthday for some reason, I guess I'll wish you one back. otherwise, don't expect to hear from me. believe me, I'd like to reach out to you. but I also know it'll just do me far more harm than good. I'll be surprised if I hear from you honestly. after that first initial month it was always me, after all, who did all the reaching out.

may life treat you well, my friend. happy first year anniversary of our "friendship".

ps; this was the last song I added to my playlist before we went our separate ways. I remember listening to this as I went on a walk through the parking lot, after everyone else had already left, as I struggled to gather up the courage to give you that letter. the irony amuses me these days, to be honest. I could still probably use the advice in the song though.

[Trexxa]

february 10th, 2020 ♥
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hard to believe in 6 days I will have been keeping this "journal" for the past year... yikes. it's so weird going back and looking at some of my first posts on here now. goodness, never did I think I'd have changed so much as a person in the past year. I thought you sort of stopped changing once you reached "adulthood". boy, was I wrong.

again, it is late and I am pondering just what I want to do before I go to bed. don't have to worry about getting up early tomorrow since class got cancelled (again). eh... not a whole lot has happened since the last entry and this I guess. classes have still been going alright. weirdly I'm finding they're almost getting... more relaxed??? as the semester is going along... like, this week and the last I've literally had no assignments due. I had a presentation today, but it was very short and with a large group. I also had another psychology test last week, (the first was... not good by the way -_-) and I got a way better grade, whew. other than that I haven't even had any fiction writing to do. I'm not used to this level of calm. it feels unnatural. lol.

I finished writing my novel yesterday. on one hand I'm really proud that I finally finished something. I've been writing fairly seriously for the past 7 or so years but I've never actually completed any work that's longer than a couple pages. so it feels good to declare that I have a whole finished project. I won't know how long the book actually ended up being till I'm through typing it, but I'd give a rough estimate of approximately 350 pages. whew!!

unfortunately I'm also left with this weird sense of emptiness now that I'm done though... I suppose it's unsurprising, considering I've been writing it every weekend, as well as giving it at least some level of thought every day, for the past 6-ish months. now that it's done there's just this big empty void where it used to be in my head. sigh. I'm sure I'll come up with some new ideas to fill its place sometime soon though. I already have a couple ideas for some shorter works. no plans for another big novel at the moment though. I've still got those ideas I put down here a little while back, but eh, I'm not exactly feeling any of them at this time. what I do know for sure though is that now I'm definitely going to take a little break. ofc I'm still going to be writing with my fiction writing class, but I'll stick to that on the weekdays. now I'm going to turn my attention to other things on the weekends till this semester ends. drawing is my top idea that I'm probably going to go for. though I might only do that on one day of the weekend, and do some other fun thing too. kinda been wanting to get back into doing some video editing. I did that a few years back and it was definitely a lot of fun. ...though if I go for that one I'll have to do some modifying to my computer. not enough space on the hard drive that my editing program's currently on. I'll have to move everything to the second drive and do some tidying of that one as well. I've got way too many games/videos, eh heh...

my mom called not too long before I started this entry. she called to announce she got me my loan, YEEEEE!!!! omg, words cannot express my relief and happiness right now. (even though I will probably NOT be feeling this same joy when the loan returns to say hi in a few years....) I was really, and I mean really starting to freak out this past week. my mom kept being all negative and not even wanting to fill out any applications since she felt she was just "gonna get denied anyway". I was honestly starting to get afraid that I would in fact have to drop out. that would be my worst nightmare. I'd have to go back to the basement at my house, now with all these things I still have to pay, with only my job there and lacking the degree to move up in the world. in a sense I'd literally fall into the exact same trap that consumed mh at this time last year. o_o um, no, I will pass on that. thank god I no longer have to fret anymore. I will manage to stay afloat for the rest of this year. I will keep my upcoming trips. I will get signed up for classes. and I will get a room with the people I've promised I would with. unlike mh, I will make it into yet another year of college! I can do this!

I still don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of the evening now. I've got yet another hour till I should go to sleep. (I mean I could go to bed now, but 11 hours of sleep is ridiculous... because we all know no matter what time I wake I'm still not going to leave my bed till I absolutely have to. x'D) well, at least I can rest easy tonight. knowing that at least for the time being, my future is certain and secure. my life is finally all starting to come together, and for the rest of this year, not even tuition can stop that!

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

february 23rd, 2020 ♥
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hi. I'm here to waste time I could really be using for other things again. meh, I need to go to bed soon and I still need to shower. I also have another psychology test again tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty confident about it, I did superbly well on the quizzes and we're strictly in the various disorders now which I feel I know well. ofc the professor was going on about how it's going to be "the hardest test yet" and so in the back of my mind I'm nervous I'm gonna walk in and know nothing...

oh wow, I thought I'd posted sooner than the date of that last entry lol. not a lot has happened again really I guess. the workload has kind of picked up as of last week, but it's still easily manageable. it's time for break on friday and erghhhh, I'm so ready to go. if I could just hop in my car and drive off tomorrow without it hurting my grades I would, lol. I guess I'm just getting tired of this same routine every week and I'm ready to go spend a few days with my cats in my basement. x'D

I just realized a little bit ago that today marks another whole year since another event. hooray. what makes it even worse is my dad's birthday is tomorrow. so now I have to forever associate his birthday with that night as well. I've also kind of reached a point where I don't really feel like talking about it much anymore. looking back on last year's events kind of have recently started to make me... cringe. I can't believe I just went with so much of this and I can't believe I responded in the ways I did. last week I did end up writing a piece in "honor" of it being a year since mh and I really started to talk. I left it with my professor for review, I'll see her comments on tuesday probably. I wonder what she had to say. even writing it, a fictional piece just vaguely based off the events, still kinda made me cringe LOL. I've been tempted as of late to reopen the document of my letter, too. however even the very thought of some of the sentences in there make me go "eh, no, I'll pass." I wish I could just snatch all these memories out of my head and toss them into the nearest bin at this point.
ps - this song is fabulous. also reminds me a lot of my situation...

on a lighter note... remember b? think it's been several months since I brought him up... anyway, him and ly ended up drifting apart after christmas break. I still see them talk, so they're still on friendly terms, but she is definitely no longer glued to his side. she recently got a boyfriend too, and they seem to be in a nice happy, healthy relationship. yay ly, I'm cheering for her (even though she keeps skipping choir practice >_> yes, I see you ly.) so anyway, yesterday ja wanted to do some cooking down in the kitchen and b happened to already be there. he was ??making bread?? and was listening to some music (which was extremely far from my taste) which he was LOUDLY singing along to. his singing sounded so bad too, oml holding back all that laughter as we were in there was so hard LOL. after we left I went back to my room and continued to snicker about the whole thing to myself when my phone went off... b sent me a friend request AND a request to chat with me, OMG. I like totally freaked out thinking he was finally stepping himself past the staring level (LOL) and thought he wanted me to come back and make bread with him or something. I ended up ignoring it for an hour before I finally accepted his requests. turns out? he was just inquiring as to the key code for the oven. ...needless to say it all felt very anticlimactic. x'D hey, at least we're "friends" now at least. one step closer to me having the confidence to pester him for all the weird and hilarious stuff he does.

well, that's all I can really think of right now. I finally updated my signature again, yey, think it's been since november or so since I changed it and man I was getting bored of it the past couple weeks. I should really go shower now. maybe I'll finally have some good ideas come to me for my writing. my muse seems to have fallen really flat since I finished my book, ergh. I need at least one (ideally two) new pieces to bring to fiction class this week... >-< I've recently had some ideas develop for some really awesome characters, some of them older characters I've made revisions to, others new and loosely based on other characters I'm super fond of. I just can't think of the storyline to tie them all together. it's a new kind of annoying I haven't encountered before. at least, on the bright side my book has been doing really well all of a sudden with my weekly postings. I thought the last chapter was really boring and just kind of a filler tbh lol, though I got a ton of new viewers, likes and followers??? well, works for me!

welp, look at that it's midnight already. I really ought to be going then.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 11th, 2020 ♥
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I really ought not to be here since it's getting kinda late and I'd really like to get some decent sleep before class tomorrow... but ah whatever.
it's only two days till my birthday, well, technically one since it's after midnight, but I'm gonna pretend it's still the day before. I don't plan on doing anything really for my birthday this year. I already had cake and "presents" while I was at home so it sort of feels like it's already passed. I wonder how many folks are going to wish me a happy birthday. I suppose it's a weird test of seeing who cares the most, aha... ha... I'll be curious to see if m says anything. we haven't spoken since I saw her when my family was here for my choir concert back in december. some part of me still misses her. but I know if she's not willing to reach out on her own, then I need to move on and quit hoping that eventually we'll get together again.

anyway, break has come and gone again. kind of feels like break lasted an eternity this time... I was home almost a whole week before we departed on our choir trip, and then I was gone on that for nearly another full week, so it was quite awhile. all in all I had a great time on the trip. flying for the first time was interesting, made me feel a little ill and gave me a bit of anxiety upon takeoff but the view from above was unbeatable. it's one thing to see pictures from a distance like that and another to actually witness it. I did a lot of sightseeing around the area and also made some new friends and got closer to others. I got to know jh and w who I see around all the time but never really spoke to, both of them turning out to be pretty cool guys. I also spent a lot of time with aa and his family who was visiting too. he and I haven't really spoken since everything that was may last year... but it was awesome to get back together again. and there were so many other people too who I had a lot of fun spending time with, but I'll spare myself having to come up with that many new nicknames lol. it was also superbly awesome getting to practice so much with 웃♪. I've got to say it again... this man is the coolest. he literally took our group and four other groups of singers who we met with and got us from barely having the notes down to having it memorized and professional in two days. two days! I just love his personality so much as well, omg. the fact that he can still be energetic and genuinely happy after four hours of practice just astounds me, but it's so refreshing too. 웃♪ has been such a huge inspiration on me just altogether this past year. I sincerely hope I get the opportunity to deliver him my thanks in person sometime soon. (my mom told me that after our performance on the last night of our stay she literally went and tapped him on the shoulder and went on about me and the show to him omg -facepalm- I guess it's not a bad thing though since he proceeded to actually wave at me when we passed in the hallway today... I was sort of a nobody to him up until this point, so... progress? x'D)

anyway, besides that. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep on the trip altogether, and when I got back monday I literally ended up sleeping over 16 hours. 16. umm, obviously I did not get back to campus until tuesday. thankfully I didn't miss anything that will really place an impact on my grade. now I just feel really thrown off my week though... today so feels like it's monday and not the middle of the week already...

I haven't a whole lot else to say about the trip and everything. just that the trip did wonders for my muse though. I've been doing a lot of brainstorming as of late for a new story idea. actually, yes I see I did mention this last post - so I FINALLY came up with a storyline to go with the characters that I've developed, omg hallelujah. the idea was to have the story be set in a city very similar to the one I just visited, if not that city itself. so to actually visit the city and experience what it's like to live there for nearly a week was the absolute most wonderful thing for my ideas. I'm just bursting with plans for setting and how that all ties into the story now... I am so hyped about this project and would probably be content if I could just sit down and write my thoughts on it for hours on end, lol.

somehow I just accidentally pressed a button on my computer that opened the preview of this. weird. ...anyway. hoping I still have a computer to continue typing these on in the coming weeks... e_e there's just been a bunch of oddities going on with it as of late. first I've noticed my game performance steadily dipping over the past several months now. the past two weeks it's gotten so bad though that I had to finally give in and set all my settings super low, since I was so tired of the game freezing to load textures all the time. also, the battery on this laptop has always been really bad - so bad that I can only get it to last about an hour before it unexpectedly dies. however when I was at home the battery literally went after only being on for two minutes!!! and then I've just altogether sensed a sort of slowdown on the computer - restarting isn't what it used to be and there's a noticeably longer pause when I go to open something. the most terrifying thing happened a little bit ago though, when I was playing one of my games when out of the blue my music stopped playing, so I pressed the "windows" button and then my whole computer literally just froze. I thought I was going to have to forcefully shut it off when after two minutes it went back like it didn't even happen. um, needless to say I'm a little worried as to what's all going on. I'm positive it isn't malware, I've gone through enough of those issues over the years I know all the signs and I also know better. tbh I think it's some horrible combination of the battery finally admitting defeat, the lack of space on my little SSD drive, and not enough memory on my computer/too much being used (I think I need to look into this one a little more. the memory's started always sitting at around 60% total usage these days when I know it was only at about 40 before. hmmm.) yeah, so all of that's a bit of extra concern. I've kind of thought since the start that this computer wouldn't last me years upon years, as I put it through a lot with games and editing programs, and it's not built for really high-end things like that. this year it'll turn 4, so I suppose this would be about the time to see things start to creep up. I was planning on starting a side savings for a new computer this summer. at this rate I might have to start sooner, ugh.

well, it's quite late. I really ought to go to sleep now. there's some other things I could mention here too, but I already left them elsewhere and shan't waste my time typing anymore. all in all, I just hope my future works out alright now.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 17th, 2020 ♥
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happy st. patrick's day? it hasn't been very long since I last left an entry... but I literally have nothing better to do right now. this whole covid-19 thing that's going around right now has caused a LOT to happen in the week since I was last here. basically my school has been changing their course of action the whole past week and continued to shut down a lot of things in the process. first it was all our study abroad trips that got cancelled (tbh I saw it coming though. I'm not too upset about it. I know I'll have the chance to go instead my senior year. I went ahead and switched courses to the astronomy class l is also taking. yey! not that it really matters if we're in it together though, considering the school's most recent course of action...) then it was all sporting events that were cancelled. then the school went ahead and cancelled all music performances and any gatherings of any type. and then, finally on monday, the final decision came in - as of tomorrow, the school is entirely transitioning to online classes. we have the option whether or not we want to leave campus and go home or stay here. for the time being I've decided to stay, since I know if I go home my mom is just going to totally get on me about going to work. I'm not sure just how many students are choosing to go home, from those I've talked to most have said they're staying, but there's also a LOT of people I've witnessed moving out. I guess I'll see for sure who's staying and who's leaving by this weekend. this whole thing is kinda yikes though. I'm not too concerned about the disease itself, I don't think anything that terrible would happen to me if I caught it, and I've been pretty on top about taking preventive measures. however... having literally everything around me shut down is really quite creepy. kind of feels like a real-life apocalypse. this sure would make quite the thriller novel.

anyway, with the transition to online classes, literally all of my professors have cut the workload at least in half. my fiction writing class dropped all of our assignments except the final, which I've already finished!! my psychology class has two tests left but both are open-book now and we can take them on our own leisurely time. man, I was fairly content in the idea I was going to have to settle on a b in this class but with this whole open-book thing it looks like I'll still score that a after all, lol. my third class is also now only "meeting" on mondays, and my precursor course for what was my study abroad trip has stopped altogether. also, choir is obviously over and so are piano lessons. so other than going to work yet... I literally have nothing to do and no reason to leave this room. well then.

I might consider going home yet, I'm not sure though. I really don't want to deal with mom (and dad too, I'm sure) after me about the whole job thing. of course, if the boredom gets so bad... I'd probably be better off going home after all. honestly, boredom is the absolute worst. I cannot stand having nothing on my to-do list. it's good to have a day off here and there but... nothing to do every day? absolutely unacceptable. my mind needs something, anything to work over!

anyway... besides all that craziness. my birthday was fine, I didn't do much of anything for it. my choir sang me happy birthday which was nice. I also spent the evening doing some writing for fiction and it was honestly my favorite piece yet LOL. it showcased my dark humor as I played around with my new characters that I mentioned. I also DID get a happy birthday from m. and I happened to run into her on monday as well. she proceeded to tell me "oh, we still need to get together" and "you're my friend and I love you" and it just really hurt again. I don't think she realizes just how agonizing it is to hear those words every time we cross paths and yet her to never actually act on them. she was like a second mother to me and my most favorite person in the whole wide world back in fall term 2018. we haven't spoken for longer than a couple minutes in over a year now. as I've said before, I miss her so much, but again I know there is absolutely no way we're going to get together again unless she comes forth.
...speaking of her and that era... I saw mh was recently on my favorite game, the one I introduced him to, ugg. he hadn't been on there in nearly a year so seeing that kinda scared me. also, tomorrow marks another certain day... ima just ignore facebook for the whole day honestly. he didn't wish me a happy birthday, so of course I'm not going to do the same either. in fact, unless he also reaches out to me, I'm never going to speak to him again. I just need to get him out of my head and out of my life for good.

well, ja just came to my door wanting me to come over and watch a movie. eeehh… I was hoping on getting some drawing done... but whatever. it's better than just sitting here and suffering in my boredom, lol.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

may 25th, 2020 ♥
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oh dear. it's been quite awhile. >< where should I even start with this entry? well, first up I've completed yet another year of college as of last thursday, so yay me. I've also been back at my house since... pretty much right after my last entry. things really started to take a turn for the worst following that time, and uh, I decided I'd be much better off going home when the college advised anyone who could go home to leave now, and literally ALL the buildings shut down. I've kinda been stuck in lockdown ever since then, and it's not exactly been the most thrilling past two months. online classes went alright. astronomy was a lot of agonizing time and work but I came out with a good grade (which surprised me, after the second test didn't go nearly as well as I thought >.<).

things are finally, slowly starting to open up here again... though we've still got a long way to go till things are back to normal, arghhh. my place of employment, for some reason, still has yet to open even though all the other businesses in the area have... so right now I'm kinda in this awkward situation where I don't know what to do job-wise... I'm not doing too bad money-wise since the college sent us some support funds, so worse case scenario I could last the entire summer, though ofc it's always nice to have some more money on hand, so I can get some more of the things I need/want as well as help with tuition again in fall. :(( I know both my parents are about to get after me that I need to take some job, any job, soon, especially with many more places reopening, but it's like... what if I take a job elsewhere only to learn I can right away go back there?? my mom says "oh lol you can just quit the new job then" but I have done that so much the past two years it's getting out of hand. looks terrible on my resume to have a million different places which I all only spent 1-3 months at. ugh. I think I'll give my place a max of two weeks, then I'll start putting in my application elsewhere. this year has been so super annoying. that's all I've gotta say.

anyway, I think the one and only good thing that has come out of this disaster is it's definitely given me an excess of time for further self-reflection. I haven't been writing a whole lot of new stuff lately which is unfortunate, I've instead devoted a lot more time to coming up with all these backstories to the characters I've envisioned for my next book. oops. x'D (I think I'm definitely gonna do what I did last fall when I get back to college and make myself sit down and write every weekend. that worked SO WELL.) publishing my other fanfiction piece has also been going pretty well. I haven't amassed an incredible amount of followers, but I have a decently-sized little fanbase. one of them leaves me with these wonderful comments almost every chapter and tells me about the inspiration I leave them with. it never fails to make the days I publish, hehe.

I've also been thinking some more about myself and how I express myself... I've had a fascination with the gothic/alternative subculture for many years now, but I've always tried to kinda push it back in fear of what people would say if I dressed more like that. the other week I was watching a video of one of my favorite people who's part of that culture, and my dad walked in, totally flipped out, said he "couldn't stand to watch this" and walked out. and idk, weirdly enough, that actually pushed me even closer to that style. so I went a bit out of comfort zone and dressed myself more like that a couple days this week. surprisingly? my parents seemed totally cool with it. it was a nice boost to my self-confidence. I'm not sure I could commit to the style and culture as an everyday sort of thing, some days I really get an itching for it and others not so much. but for those days I am feeling like it... I'm done with pushing it aside. it's time I expressed myself for who I really am. honestly I think doing so will only help me grow more as a person and get past more of my anxiety/self-consciousness issues. I need to focus less on what other people think, and stop conforming myself to be like how I think others would like me to be. that's not really living - not if you really want to be happy.

I should probably go get ready for bed. I'm planning on doing some light shopping this week - first time I've done so in... idk, easily 3 months... hopefully I get my job back soon. hopefully the whole world settles back to normal, too. my mom's convinced things are never going to go back to exactly the way they were and I really hope she's wrong. I can't spend the rest of my days staying six feet away from everybody else and never getting to sit down at another restaurant table...

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 7th, 2020 ♥
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it's been a little while again. not terribly long, though. again, the past two months haven't been incredibly thrilling.

soo... shortly after I left my last entry my place of employment reopened, so I went on over to check it out and near-instantly ran into my boss. he told me that they were only allowed to have a certain number of employees back at the moment so I couldn't come back now. but he hoped he'd get the go-ahead to take more employees back soon. ...welll, nearly two months later, and he still hasn't made the call. e.e my mom wanted to go shopping there last weekend and when I took her I guess I found out why... the store was practically dead inside. there's like almost NO business there whatsoever. so uh, the store has no need for excess employees then... my mom had her suspicions that if this keeps up the place might even close. that's awful, I really loved that job and I'm really disappointed.

...unfortunately, I have not been able to come up with another job either. >.< I'm starting to think I should just accept my misery and be unemployed for the rest of the summer, augh. I'm sure I could have a job if I put a bit more effort in/opened my search to a few other positions... I've seen several ads for little fast food places I'm sure I could get, but, honestly my favorite place spoiled me so much and the thought of going back to something like that makes me shudder inside... plus man, even if I got accepted to a place now, I'd literally only put in a month of work before I'd leave again now. I definitely feel kinda disappointed/annoyed that I'm going to make nothing this summer. I have so much I want to buy and I really wish I could help out with tuition. but, well, again, there's only so much of this situation in my control.

where I live hasn't exactly opened up a whole bunch from my last entry. if anything we're starting to go backwards again, with the rates of people catching it going up again. my mom keeps going on and on about how she suspects we might return to lockdown and I seriously don't want it to be true. if I learned that college intended on remote learning for the rest of this year, I think I might just lose my mind and finally break.

so, as of right now anyway, the college intends on having us all return the last week in august. (though we have to get our temperature taken when we arrive. o_o so um, my goal is to avoid pretty much all human contact those two weeks before I go... I can't risk catching ANYTHING and not being allowed back!!!) ofc we'll all have to wear masks, and I'm not sure what their plans are involving dining yet. right now I'm super hyped to go back since I'm tired of sitting in this house and feeling unproductive... though I have the feeling I'm gonna be sorely disappointed when I realize the harsh reality that the situation there won't be a whole lot more like normal either.

other than that... I finish publishing my fanfic on thursday. omg, I'm so thrilled about that. the thing is, multiple of my fans are now bringing up how they're "so excited to read the next book". o_o I DO actually have plans to present them with another piece! I'm going to write a chapter a week starting next monday. it's going to be a short piece though, only about five chapters, so I'll have it all written and ready to release the same time I return to college. I'm just mildly concerned how they're all on about this next book when I haven't even told them anything about one yet. xD o_o tbh that makes me a little anxious, seeing the little fanbase I developed now having expectations from me like that... yikes!

all in all I'm really hyped to begin working on this new piece though. tbh at this point I'm pretty tired of hearing about this current piece (lol), and I cannot wait to move onto new things. hopefully the fanbase likes it and doesn't mind that it's a bit shorter - I know my one most loyal fan will probably like it a bunch since it features her favorite character. I'm also not sure what I'm going to do after I'm done with this piece though... come the fall semester I fully intend on devoting all my attention on the weekends to the book I plan on more formally publishing. (a goal, I have set, to be done the summer I graduate.) so, the fans I've established on there, may sadly see a long drought in content from me. which saddens me, since I've gotten really close to them and I love hearing what they have to say every time I publish. I'm really going to miss that.

I do hope the first book I *actually* publish is moderately successful. not just for the money (aha... ha...) but also so that I can establish my own fanbase for it as well. :) it makes me soo happy being able to interact with my followers. I definitely know when this book gets published I'm going to be quite active in responding to fan's messages - so long as it doesn't become too overwhelming. that interaction warms my heart so much.

well, anyway, I was supposed to be drawing this evening instead of leaving this entry... my sister's birthday is fast approaching again which means I need to put in the work on her annual birthday drawing... last night I began the basic sketch and ehhh, I'm not very big into the idea right now. e_e in addition to that I also have three(!!) other pieces I want to do. one of those three is also mandatory, since it's going to be the cover art for my second fanfic! aaahhh!!! sigh, at least I can't say I'm bored and have nothing to do whilst sitting in this house all day.

well, that's all I have to say for now. hopefully the future looks brighter. it's not terrible right now. I'm happy to be busy with my writing and I do have plenty of things to keep me busy. but... I really do need to secure a source of income, and I can only handle these social distancing rules for so much longer in my life...

-trexxa

(edit;; changed my username back to being trexxa ayeee. been missing it for a little while now. vermilion was cool, but I'm definitely a lot less into where that idea came from (I erm, kinda associate that song/band now with the trash that was last year) and dude, I've been trexxa for the past 8 years now. I literally feel like that's who I am on the internet and I love it.)

[Trexxa]

july 16th, 2020 ♥
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I've returned again. surprisingly I don't actually have anything else I should really be doing instead for a change, lol.

not a whole lot has happened since I was last here. I'm pretty much 100% set in the idea that I'm not going to get a job this summer, now that it's close to almost exactly a month till I return to school. (unless my favorite place miraculously, magically calls. in which case I'd be bursting out this door as soon as they'd take me. lol.) it's unfortunate I won't be any help to tuition, and I'm already getting kinda nervous about it again, especially since my parents have had some big bills to tackle right now and the payments are due in less than a month already. o_o hopefully the bills are significantly lower this year though, so that between the two of them they can make it work... -shudder-. I'm also definitely gonna have to watch my spending a lot these next couple months. but I don't see a reason why I won't make it out alright in the end. I've conquered worse than this before. I'm going to be fine.

besides that... my fanfic is complete. my regular readers left a lot of supportive, positive messages on the last chapter. it looks like I can also count on seeing at least a few of them in the next book. I did start the first chapter monday, it ended up being super long (which was the goal, lol) and for the most part I'm feeling good about it. (though there is quite a few edits I wanna make before it becomes time to publish.)

I also completed my sister's birthday drawing yesterday, yee. I ended up totally scrapping my original idea and doing something else entirely, I just wasn't digging that first idea and I think this one turned out way better. I just need to print it out and wrap it up yet. I think I might put it inside a way larger box than I need to, to confuse her immensely when she goes to open it LOL. now I think tomorrow I'll get started on the next piece. (I accidentally hit some random key on my keyboard and saved this as a draft, what the--) I'm both hyped and also pretty nervous to do this next one... it's going to be a drawing of one of my ocs - the main character in the book I'm starting in the fall, in fact. I have some pretty high expectations for how I want this to look and obviously no good references to back me up, so yikes... I'm trying to basically compile a bunch of pictures that give a basic idea of what I'm going for, and then I'll take it from there. xD

eh... do I have anything else to comment on? I don't really think so. we had some pretty terrible weather last week - we actually had a TORNADO go through our yard. o_o that's the first time I think I've experienced a real tornado, apart from that story my mom tells me about how there was one when I wasn't even old enough to walk... it was a really weak one though, so there was no real damage done to our house or anything. there was a decent bit of tree damage though. scary!

at this point, I'm just ready to head back to college. (also nervously sweating every time I open the news for the day, afraid I'm gonna see some new rule banning everyone from going back to school to slow the spread....) it's been nearing 6 months since I was last on campus now, that's the longest it's been since I started my adventure there. I can't wait to get back into that routine, new guidelines or not. though I'm also trying to make every second count this last month I have off back here. I figure if I'm not out there working, then I still ought to be productive in other ways. that's why I'm devoting myself as much as possible to my writing, drawing, and further self expression. :)

I'll be back at some point in time, I guess. we'll just have to wait and see when exactly that is.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 25th, 2020 ♥
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well I am back again. this past week has been pretty crazy, so I figured I might as well contemplate it a bit here.

soo... on tuesday of this week I ended up getting my tuition statement from school. only to be shocked to find the cost has only proceeded to skyrocket more from last year. yeah... I thought last year was a struggle? well, this year's going to be even worse yet. I told my mom, who basically told me that we need a loan or I need to drop out. x.x I filled out an application to the same place I did last year, only to find out next day we got DECLINED. so I proceeded to spend wednesday + thursday looking into other places and solutions instead. then yesterday I kinda reached an ultimate conclusion.

that conclusion being? who am I kidding... the price of this college is crazy. why am I even putting myself through this burden? ofc, I'm NOT about to drop out either. that'd make me no better than... he-who-shall-not-be-named. e.e that would honestly be the worst thing that could happen to me. I'm unemployed, have no means of getting the type of job I want with my degree, and if I drop out - then all my other current existing loans will rip me to pieces. I won't be able to get that dream job. and I won't be able to afford returning to the education to pave the way to that job.

so, if I can't afford to stay here, and I cannot allow myself to drop out... that leaves me with my one, best shot. transferring.

I don't know where to yet. somewhere that obviously has much less of a price tag attached. ideally somewhere half the current cost or less - something my parents can see me through the end without us ever having to get another loan. I looked around and saw a few places that took my interest. I'm thinking I'd like to go somewhere in a big city. my current college is kinda in the middle of nowhere, meaning the future career-wise is looking a little slim. but if I'm in a bigger city, and have the right connections... in an ideal world, after graduation, I might not even have to go home - I might be able to secure the right job that I will be able to support myself right out the door!! (I've gotta remember that's very much wishful thinking though. :') I really hope I can stay out of state... though worst case scenario I'm sure I could attend the local college for a much lower price. really, at the end of the day, the most important thing is securing that degree.

soo... yeah. I meant to have a word with my mom today, but -ahem- kinda chickened out... tomorrow though, I need to let her know what my plans are. our top priority right now I guess is finding our means of paying this next semester. x.e and then, I'll fill out some applications to places elsewhere, and hopefully, come the new year, I'll be off on another new journey. yikes. it's kind of frightening when I type that out. it's all happening so fast now... hopefully she goes along with the idea. if this does happen, it will be a bit sad to leave the people I've already met behind. I know ja is going to be super crushed. whatever the case, I'm going to make sure I devote some extra special time to those I care about there this semester since - no matter how it happens - at these costs I really cannot realistically envision myself there till graduation. :/ I'm going to make sure I get back in touch with l. (and if m still refuses to meet up with me, even after I tell her I'll be leaving, GRRR----)

anyway. I think that's all I really meant to cover for now. under a month now till I head back. I'm still semi-excited to get back to it, though more so I'm definitely anxious now. I don't like not knowing exactly what my future has in store. I hope I'm able to work out a solution that satisfies everyone, and soon. (despite all the anxiety, a little part of me is excited though too at the prospect of going elsewhere. I love to travel and explore. practically starting the college experience all over again definitely sounds like it'll be something.)

well, I should do what else I need to do before bedtime then. (hopefully I sleep well tonight, not been a great week for that - I presume from everything that was this week. >.< I doubt it though, considering it's supposed to storm most of the night. sigh.)

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 11th, 2020 ♥
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so, here I am again. (I really need to come with a better way of opening these things. meh.)

not a whole lot has happened since I was last here, I guess. I've just been kinda sticking to the same routine each week - writing mondays and tuesdays, drawing all throughout the week, doing a few other little things here and there. now there's only under two weeks till I go back to college, which I'm starting to get pretty hyped for again. (for some reason I'm mainly excited to ??decorate my room?? I watched this video today where someone printed out a bunch of wallet-size photos and covered their entire room with them. so today I printed out 65 photos for my own walls when I go back. xDD I plan to bring the number up to a nice 100 by the time I leave, and then I'll make a huge creative display either over my bed or my desk LOL. hopefully my roommates don't think it too odd.) it'll also be nice to see everybody again. I really, really want to reach out to l again... the past week I've been watching some shows I know she likes, and I want somebody to talk to them about. :< hopefully when I go back I'm able to arrange some time just to talk with her... and maybe I can convince her to stay in touch, even after I've left.

...after I've left. sigh. I keep trying to curb my enthusiasm about going back by reminding myself I'll only be there for a good four months. then I'm out of there, for good. I haven't a clue yet how paying for the rest of the semester's going to go... my main concern is that they'll block me from transferring because of what I still owe. o_o that's why I'm also planning to settle things with the transfer the first couple weeks I'm back, so there's less of a chance I'll get in trouble for that factor...

anyway, it's sad to think that this will be it. four months sounds really short when you compare it to how long I'm usually there a year. that's not a lot of time to reach out to everyone I want to, and get my life in order, and say my goodbyes to everyone and everything there. I've sort of reached the conclusion now that I'm probably just going to end up back here at my house, going to the local college while working part time on the side. it'll just be the cheapest and easiest solution, that hopefully everyone will be happiest with in the end. hopefully that means I'll also have made enough that come graduation, I'll actually be able to start getting somewhere with my life...

-somehow accidently previews this page again- -_- I really need to figure out what that weird shortcut is and how I keep pressing it... err, anyway. tonight I finished the other short story I made. I still have yet to make the cover for it, as well as come up with a title for it. x'D the goal is to publish the first chapter in roughly two weeks, then publish chapters biweekly. (that way it's longer till the story ends. since uh, I have no clue what I'm doing after that, and I don't want to just up and abandon my readers for good either though... e-e) hopefully I get a decent amount of readers for it as well. I really hope I can count on seeing some familiar faces again too...

well, I suppose that's all I have to say for now. tomorrow's just another day of whatever. I should probably order my textbooks tomorrow. my art teacher for this semester also reached out today, I have a bunch of supplies to buy for that class. e-e I also need to go shopping for the rest of my things, preferably sooner than later, though I need to sort my room before that so I can actually see just what I'm missing. gee, when I type it out like this, I do have a fair amount to do in the next 12 days. yikes! best get to bed then.

-trexxa