☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

Sometimes I wonder.
Was I sad because I saw the cold truths of reality?
Or was I sad because I had a twisted view of reality?
Either way, I'm better off like this.

[Gladis]

Goodbye to my past.
I clung tightly to your faded edges & lived through your memories.
I held onto the good & bad.
I missed the way I was carelessly happy.
But I couldn't let go of my childhood fears.

Goodbye to my childish fears.
The irrational fear of never being good enough.
The irrational fear of being looked down upon.

Goodbye, goodbye.
I have to grow up. I have to get up & move on.

[Gladis]

Part 1: California
13 days, 5 friends & a whole lotta freedom. Campfires, portable grills, beaches, singing, & a whole lotta driving.

They ran to the beach at midnight. The waves glowed like aqua fireflies against the moonlight. The thunderous waves simultaneously terrified & intrigued her. She wanted to explore the ocean's vast beauty, but she knew it could swallow me up if she got too close. The 5 friends hugged under the black sky. The black haired girl looks up & gasps, "look! I haven't seen the stars in forever!"

The friends slept in the back of the van as she drove along the highway. The California sunset was a vibrant mixture of blue, pink, & orange. White clouds littered the vast sky, & she wondered if the sky was actually the sky or if they were just driving into a painting. She smiled as she silently reflects on the beauty of her life.

[Gladis]

I'm tired of feeding these unrelenting mouths & voices.
Critical, yet unaware of themselves.
Envy is the poison, & words are the weapons.
Tear down hearts until you don't have one.
Become the hunter, not the hunted.
Nothing matters.
From now on,
I'll do what I please.

[Gladis]

I can’t wait to be a part of something bigger

Though I was extremely exhausted this whole week, I don't regret attending all these events & being accepted into the community as a whole. This past week was probably the best week of my life tbh. Everyone at rush was so sweet & welcoming of me, & I met some really great friends who are a lot like me. A lot has happened so I'm going to skip that part cuz I'm lazy lmaoooo.

Anyways, to sum it all up, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago. I'm doing a lot better than I was a few months ago. These people laugh at my stupid jokes & accept me for who I am, flaws & all. I feel so at home here.

[Gladis]

I realized that everything was going to be okay when I suddenly went from tearing myself down with my words & writing to writing about the people I love.

At the time, it seemed like the hard times would never end. I felt like I was trudging through a blazing desert where the sand stretched on for miles on end. At that time, I thought I was never going to make it out of that place, & giving up seemed like a better option.

But I decided to grit my teeth & trudge on. When everything seemed hopeless, I crawled. I crawled even when every inch of my hurt. I crawled even when I was convinced that I was going to be stuck in this treacherous place forever.

I'm in a really good place now. & I'm really grateful that I never gave up.

[Gladis]

I left a kiss on her cheek & she would touch it as our eyes met.
She gave me a tipsy smile as she poured her heart out.
"You are everything I wish to be."
She saw the world in me.
But I saw the universe in her.
The stars in her hair,
galaxies in her eyes,
I didn't say it in words, but she already knew.
She saw the world in me,
but I saw the universe in her.

[Gladis]

There was a single golden daisy & a passionate storyteller in the middle of the woods.
She used to admire the storyteller's passion for something so simple.
He told stories about the tremendous value of the daisy. Such a rare find.
He told stories that deceived her to believe that the daisy was actually made of gold.
But as time went on, she was cast away.
She was nothing compared to the flower made of gold.

Years went on, but the storyteller never left.
Passerbys would tell him about the daisy fields from beyond the horizon,
but he stubbornly held on.

She came back to him, excited to tell him about the golden daisy fields she's seen.
But the storyteller greeted her with now empty eyes.
His stories were getting repetitive.

"Let's go," her companion sighed as he tugged on her sleeve. "Take a closer look at that daisy."
The daisy was not golden. It was not made of gold. It was just another wilted flower, painted yellow.

As she left with her companion, a realization hit her.
The storyteller came every day to paint the daisy yellow. Painted it until the daisy itself believed that it was made of gold.
The lies that would came around to devalue her for years on end.
But under the yellow paint,
they were all the same.

[Gladis]

Life outside the bubble.
Limitless.
Endless.
This is my family,
my sisterhood,
my future,
my home.
It only gets better.

[Gladis]

Before he painted daisies gold, the storyteller loved me with the same passion.
Sometimes I wonder
If he also painted me gold,
or was the gold paint his way of getting back at me?

3 years, & I've never let go.
But today, I take a deep breath & smile.
I'm finally free.