within my head • a place for me to balance my thoughts

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

On Valentine's this year, we took a chance.
We sent flowers to this boy we only dreamed of.
We dreamed of him since freshman year.
As time passed, he only improved, and became more attractive.

He got the flowers no problem.
They were anonymous, but we told him who I was the next day.
He was thankful.

After a few weeks he was all I could think about.
I wanted him to know me, to like me, and to be my friend.
She took my phone, and sent him a text.
It was March 7th, and it all began with a "Hi there c:"
Our friendship began.

Today we talked for the second time in person.
You were there.
He came up to me, and we hugged.
You were jealous. I'm sorry, dear.
It's funny, I always imagined he would be a good hugger.
Turns out, he is.
Could you imagine telling freshman us?

We would be shocked.
Stunned.
Freaking out beyond belief because this gorgeous boy had become my friend.
Heck, even us from six months ago would freak out.
We were friends.
It's incredible.

And to think, it all began with some flowers, and a note that read:

Andrew,
I've admired you for a
while, and I know you don't
know me, but I hope your life
and career go the way you
planned it. :)

[[little fishies to hint at who I am.]]

Also, the flowers are from me and my friend <3
I want to thank you for becoming my friend, attractive boy we dubbed Checkers. (:

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

Even though
Times will get tough,
It will always get better.

As hard as it seems,
The sun still rises every morning,
The stars come out at night.

Laughter and smiles come and go,
Real ones, that aren't fake.
After awhile if they start to fade,
You must remember they were real.

You can be happy.
You can fight this mental war.
War against sadness, pity and fear.
War against loneliness, solitude and wallowing.

Shine bright for all to see
You are a survivor, and
You will be okay.

Even if times are hard,
When all you feel is alone and empty,
You never will be.
And you need to fight those emotions.
Make happiness for yourself,
As hard as it may be.
Without a glimpse of hope or happiness,
You will lose the war, and you will lose
Yourself.

You must "fake it til you make it."
Smile a little bit more.
Remember the people who care,
Because they are out there.
I am here.
If you need me,
If you want me,
I will be here.

I have experienced so much pain,
Heartache, emptiness, loneliness,
Sorrow, hopelessness, and hurt.
I know your feelings and emotions.
I have stood where you stand.

So, if you need me,
Just ask for me.
I won't deny your need for release,
And I will be a friend to you.

Don't expect it to last forever,
Because it can't.
But it can last as long as you may be in need,
In hurting, and in search for your lost self.

I was once lost
And in a state of depression
So deep it shook my core.
Betrayed by a friend,
And let down by someone I loved very much,
I was hurt.

It wasn't easy,
But I dusted myself off,
And I started again from the bottom.

Therefore I say again,
If you need me,
If you want me,
If you just need someone,
I will be here.

All you must do is reach out
And ask.

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

lets head out to the fairgrounds
so the whole world can see;
you are my baby,
that's how it should be.
at the fairgrounds
we'll take the Ferris wheel ride
and scream at the top
of our lungs,
its a good life.

oh baby,
its a good, good life.

//wip

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

sometimes
when I'm laying here
my thoughts are racing
churning
cranking
devouring all that is good
like wild beasts

most days
when I see your face
and
when I dont
I think too much
talk too loudly
drown out myself to hear the
more powerful voice within my head

at night
it asks me if this is right
if its what I want
if its what you want
I want this
but I also want you to be happy

last night
you told me you missed me
and it had only been one day
freaking out
you used those words to
describe yourself

in the moonlight
I asked you why
and you said you thought too much
worried too much
it wasn't your fault
you couldn't help it

I'll tell you a secret:
I get the same way
thoughtful
worried
racing
panicking
freaked out
there is no silence

that's why I'm afraid
afraid my thoughts will become reality
afraid of holding you back
afraid you dont feel the same way
afraid to lose you
afraid I love you and
before I can do a thing
about it
it all just crumbles down and falls apart
piece
by
piece

I'm so afraid
sometimes I feel sick
its a strange thing to get sick from thoughts
but it reminds us that our thoughts
are powerful
mentality matters
its vicious
and relentless
it likes us
a f r a i d

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

we start out young,
careless dreamers.
all we want is to grow up,
little schemers.

as we grow,
we feel we know
everything 100x more than the rest.
but in our souls,
we all know
there's no way we could be the best.

as i aged,
we decayed.

our knowledge grew immensely in our tiny town,
but now it's fled, scattered around.

i know not how,
but we went down.
sinking deep, deeper, down.
our little boat began to drown.

we were the young sons of guns
who sank our own ship and killed the captain.
crashing waves embraced us all
and in flashes we witnessed our fall

he tried to save you but in that moment knew not how to swim,
and instead he ripped out his heart and let it fall to us,
a parachute of love to reach out to,
and all his love, his life, was ours to treasure and to hold.

on that day but one soul drowned,
and he left us all his beating crown.

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

I'm better now 62614

i want to cry
i feel like i don't want this
i know its just a phase,
and it will pass
but i cant shake this feeling like something isn't right

i think too much
i worry
fears seep into my mind and eat away at it
im so scared and frightened

i like him a lot
more than i think i realize yet
i cant hurt him
but these thoughts are making me sick

dont you ever just think too much?
life is fantastic and your mind overreacts because this isnt normal
life shouldnt be this good
you think and you find a way to make it worse.

this morning in my thoughts
i didnt want to be loved
i didnt want to love
no more boyfriend
its too foreign and im afraid of commitment so it would be better to not have a boyfriend, right?
those were my thoughts
and it killed me inside

it would kill him if he knew this crossed my mind
he's so attached and its great,
but then things like this enter my thoughts
and i dont know what to do
how to feel
if i should cry or contain it all inside

he's so alone too
constantly he just feels alone
and i cant help it
he lives on his own
sometimes he works by himself
and i cant be there for him

he thinks too much too
but i bet he's never thought of letting me go
he just worries about money and being on his own

thats the difference between boys and girls
they look at the reality of life
and we spin threads around what life will be

im sorry
i just think too much
im sorry
so sorry
sorry

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

Everything is okay again
I was just in one of those moods
where everything just became an issue

I like him so much
and I dont want to lose him
not now, not anytime soon

I'll be away for two and a half weeks
and it will be hard,
but we'll make do and
spend as much time together as we can until then.

I just want to stay up watching the starts with him everyday <3

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

I'm sorry I'm so awkward.
I'm just a kid.
Don't know how to kiss.
Don't know what to do, what to say, how to act.

Pretty soon I'll be an adult.
I'll be grown just like you.
But always the same,
I will remain just as awkward.

How do you go about
Living alone? Paying bills? Having your own home?
I'd like to know how to grow up,
And be what society calls me to be.

Maybe you can teach me,
Teach me all you know.
It might take some waiting
To find the right time.
A time when I'm ready,
And grown out of being awkward.

I like you very much.
Don't get the wrong idea.
There is no other person I would feel more comfortably awkward with than you.
Just keep in mind, I'll always be an awkward pineapple.

The only difference,
I'm your awkward, boring, silly, short, adorable, giggly, trembling pineapple.
You get your own awkward pineapple all to yourself. <3

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

sadness
it's a funny thing when put into perspective
all emotions are
but sadness impacts us a bit differently than the rest

when we get mad,
our bodies feel warmer
energy builds up
our faces turn red from the rush of blood to our brain
and we need to do something to release our emotions

when we laugh,
or smile because we are happy
our bodies feel lighter
and we cant contain all of the joy
that flows through us and radiates from our core.

when we are jealous,
it's pure evil
and disgusting feelings coarse through our veins
we feel gross and awful,
but we cant help but need to escape from what ever it is that harms us so

but,
when we are sad,
we contain it.
we bottle it up until we explode.
for some reason we hold it in with all we can
we view it as a weakness
our bodies grow weak, and heavy with self-pity
and at the time of detonation,
we risk hurting those we love and care about.
tears escape our eyes
and flow like rivers tracing lines of worry and fear on our faces
they fall to the ground, and splatter like miniature explosions of their own
and our bodies shake from the shockwave of our own demise.
it's a funny thing
being sad.

.... I'm sad. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my soul-sister. I miss home.
I miss the security of being young and care-free. I miss all of it. It's weighing me down.
I need to go cry. I need a release. I've bottled it up too strong for too long though, and the cap is stuck.
I'm sorry.
SADNESS

[SplashofOrangeJuice]

wanna be

• yours
• loved
• smart
• talented
• amazing
• brilliant
• care-free
• warm
• cozy
• incredible
• known
• young
• beautiful
• wise
• intelligent
• trusted
• cared about
• reliant
• capable
• worthy
• on top of my work
• unafraid
• optimistic
• flexible
• adored
• beloved

but most of all I wanna be
• [input anything]

some of these I am, some of these I'm not, but all of these are truths.