I cannot sleep. ._. I may be dead-tired, but I cannot sleep.
...It's strange, you know, how something that happened ages and ages ago can still set you off at the worst of times. I'm still frustrated and livid over an incident almost a year ago- mostly because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was not in the wrong. But I didn't say anything, I just... Shut down. And I still do that, even today, when anything even remotely brushing the topic comes up. It's not even an unreasonable reaction, especially considering my weird lack-of-conflict thing.
What's strange, is that this isn't even the worse in a long list of similar instances. There are things I should be absolutely raging about- so why aren't I? All I feel there is scared and hopeless, but here... I guess it's because I could have said something? Because it not only affected me, but surely has and will impact others, as well? I could have said something, stopped it there, or at least tried, but...
Hell, I was there to get help, not give it. :| Especially not to that woman, the “professional” that she was. It was probably the worst thing you could have said to me there, after all of that effort it took to open up, after showing some of my honest confusion and fear- not even all of it, but I guess it wasn't enough for you, no? Because I wonder if you'd say the same thing to a person groveling at your feet, instead of trying to keep composure in the chair across from you.
...Why am I still mad about this? There was nothing I could have said, I didn't even have the words then. I hardly knew that it was so... Wrong. Or I did, but I thought it was just me being over-sensitive. {Like always, pfft.} I know better now, but I just- I pity past me so much, looking back on the things I was told. No one should tell a scared, suicidal child that when you know what the damn problem is. Especially not a therapist who they put their trust into, however warily.
Aghhh.
-headdesk-
Hindsight sucks. :c



























Butterfly Wolf, November 2018
Rat, August 2018



