Mom,
I simply love how you say I can tell you things and that I should tell you more, and then when I let you in just a small fraction of how I feel you judge me. You tell me I'm wrong, and you push me down. You wonder why I am who I am, but when I try to explain something you tune me out and ignore me. Then later in the day you rant about the things you don't like about your mother, and then look at me and ask if you're like that. I reply with a lie, 'No. Not at all.' But in all reality you two are so much a like. Reason I lie to you about it is because I don't want to make you mad or depressed. I hate it. You say you aren't like her, but you are. You are so much and you don't even see it. You say you understand and you care, but you just push me down and refuse to listen.
I think the reason I'm so insecure is because of you. You judge me before you even give me a chance. You are the worst of all. You tell me to be myself and not care what other's think, but then you turn around and say that I shouldn't dress a certain way and I shouldn't do certain things. Sure, on the outside I say I don't care, and part of me doesn't, but after a while of keeping everything bottled up I need a little while to let the bottle overflow and empty it self. I find it funny how you just can't understand why I am who I am. I've explained it to you before, you're just too stubborn to believe me. You don't listen, you always change the subject. And then why I do get you to talk you always make me feel sorry for you. Every time. It makes me so angry, but you just don't listen and you don't understand. I've tried for years now, and now I've just given up on you. It's not worth the pain and sorrow I have to deal with, one top of the normal sh*t I deal with.
I've thought of running away, I've thought of doing a lot of things. I've attempted some, I've attempted some more then others. But I haven't gone through with most of them, because I know how much pain it would cause all the people, or rather few people, that do care. That's why I haven't done anything. I wish you would listen, I wish you would care enough to at least try to understand buy you won't. I've told Jacob, Audra, and a few others that I'm not going to say names of, but at any rate, I've told them so much more then you have ever heard. I've even told my brother more then I've told you. Sure he doesn't really care, and he doesn't really listen either, but at the time he was the only one there. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I've cried in front of you or any one for that matter. And I don't cry a lot, that is something you do know. There has been too many times that I've cried to myself because of your sh*t. I get so angry and frustrated, and I have no where to turn. My friends, aren't really friends. I can be in the middle of a sentence and then someone else, on of my friends, will cut me off and no one even notices. I can stop talking all together and walk away and no one notices I'm gone. Except if Jacob's there, he notices and he cares. He is the only person in my school that understands, he's the only one who cares. I don't care if other people don't like him, he accepts me for the real me. The me that not many have seen or even know exist. He didn't ignore me or leave me when I told him those things, he stayed because he cares.
He cares more than you.
There's so much more that you do, that I could talk about, but I think I've made my point. No I just wish you could see this. It's sad knowing that you never will, but then again even if you did read it would you even care then? If you don't care now?
At any rate, I hope you enjoy your misunderstood self because I can't make you understand. I just hope that maybe on my funeral day that you will read my book and maybe then you would understand who I really am. Until then, enjoy.
Enjoy your self. Enjoy your thoughts. Enjoy your dreams.
That's what has destroyed me.
From the daughter you haven't supported,
Aaron
