by Morgan K » Wed Apr 06, 2011 5:25 pm
My brother is building his own PSP/DS/laptop thing. (You'd have to see the blueprints to understand.) Well anyway, everyone's raving over how genius it is and how smart my brother is. They also tell me I should be more like him. After all, any one can cook but not many people can build robots.
My annoyance is the fact I have nothing to be proud of. I've never done something special. My biggest accomplishment is when I made a carrot cake... No one but mum liked it... That's my only accomplishment in life. A damn nasty cake. I'm tired of people pushing me to be better, to be like Kenji. Well, I don't want to be like him! So what if he's smarter. So what if he can design weapons and make bombs from household items. So what if he has loads of friends and can out teach his college professors. What does all that matter when you can bake cookies!? I mean, gosh, so few people can take a lump of frozen dough, cut it, and throw it in the oven.... I know I'm not special like him! I know I'm not smart like him! I know I can't think like him! I know I'm not him! Why does everyone insist I be like him then!?
Aside from making weapons and robots what can he do? Can he do laundry? No. Can he cook? No. Can he hold a conversation? No. Can he bathe? No. Can he throw something away? No. Building robots doesn't mean anything if you can't take care of yourself when you're 19!! It annoys me off to no end when people want me to be him. He's got an IQ of 200+. Me? 150 at best. Can I read 2000 page technical manuals in six hours? Hell no. In six hours I can finish a 300 page book or four 100 page novels. I'm not special, I get it. Leave me the hell alone.
I'm sick and tired of being pressured. I gave up putting effort in things because it's not good enough for anyone. I quit doing what I love the most, baking, because my cakes were too dry, my icing too sweet, my cookies too dark. I quit cooking because I don't put cinnamon in everything, I don't overload the garlic or ginger, I use chives and parsley, and I usually ask for help when apparently no chef/cook asks for help. I stopped writing because my stories were too short, my topics not interesting, my grammar not good enough. I quit trying in my college classes because my reports aren't long enough, my waitress skills suck, I can't recite the whole French/Spanish/German glossary on demand, and I complain to no end.
I'm just so tired of it all. I'm never going to be something, I understand that. I always understood that. I've never achieved anything or impressed someone. When I die no one will stand up at my funeral. No one will have anything to say." Morganna was a nice girl. I'm sure she did whatever it is she wanted." "I'll miss her... umm... her smiling face?" (This isn't a suicidal message for those who'll interpret it like that.)
Actually, there will be one thing I'll be known for. Making trouble. When I was a kid I had no friends and my family was too busy with my brother and work so I acted up. I had to go to a reform school where I complained about my classes being too easy. (They had put me in the equivalence of 5th grade and I was in 8th.) When I got out I skipped a lot of school and got a lot of fines. After that I transferred schools and got suspended for ignoring a teacher I didn't know was talking to me. That's what I'll be known for. Being nothing but trouble. My whole life I've gotten in the way and ruined things. I'll never be good enough in anyone's eyes.
I'm feeling very depressed right now and it annoys me. I've managed to hide it for more than 8 years now and I'm not about to let my family know I've never been happy.
Last edited by
Tess on Wed Apr 06, 2011 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swearing is not allowed on CS, even if you replace some of the letters with *'s, and it's not acceptable to talk about any personal self harm or suicide either.
Slowly getting into the swing of things again.
Looking to get my WLs under control so please toss a trade anytime!