TheComfortCorner | V.9

[cainhurst]

tw: death & mental health stuff

i didn't think merely existing in this world could get any more painful, and yet. here i am. constantly feeling like i'm going to implode with everything going on inside of my heart and brain, but having no way to get it out and cope that isn't inherently self-destructive in nature. the curse of quiet bpd, ig.

the funeral's most likely next friday. if the family invites me, of course i will go. i owe her that much, and i don't think i could forgive myself if i didn't go. but. i don't know how to attend feeling like... this. i can't let anyone see me have a breakdown. especially not if they also invite my other colleagues who asked to attend. i'm already on thin ice with my refusal to talk to the company psychologist & the way i shut down everyone else who tries to get me to open up to them. if i break down, it's gonna be really ugly, and then i won't get away with denying everything and saying i'm fine any more.

this year, i'll have worked at the company for six years. for six years i've managed to mask my mental health struggles. and now? is this really it? are they really gonna figure out the ugly truth about me now? the truth that this highly ambitious, diligent, hard-working, successful colleague they know is a fraud? broken beyond repair, someone who should be discarded for the sake of the company? someone who isn't suitable for the leading position they're supposed to take on now?

i can't afford for them to find out. i don't want them to find out. i don't want people to look at me differently, talk to me differently, treat me differently. i want everyone to keep believing that the person they know is the real me and not just some mask, an empty shell i put on every morning and then discard in the evening when it's safe for me to unravel and cave in on myself.

i can't slip up. not now. not ever. it's going to destroy me and the reputation i painstakingly built for myself. why won't they understand that the truth about me is not something to be revealed? not something they'd ever want to know?

please just leave me be. leave that door closed. i'm begging you. don't dig up all those skeletons. you're not ready. you never will be ready either. nobody ever is.

[annaki]

i wonder what it is about writing inspiring stuff on a wall is gonna get the kids who are sick from the stuff you do to them to stop doing, a few inspirational quotes wont help someone like this, maybe if you put as much time into actually helping the kids as you do pretending to care about what happens to us so many of us wouldn't want to do these things, maybe, just maybe, your help isn't helping, it's falling on deaf ears nobody is being helped by your half-assed lectures.

[cecro]

stress is a shadow

[~sundae~]

Can I vent to someone in pms? Just have some stresses I wanna get off my chest

[breadstick]

jesus, the last month has felt like a living nightmare. i figured something like this would happen but i had tried to tell myself it was just my pessimistic thoughts. instead, nope, there's actually something wrong with me and i'm feeling the impact of that daily. i just ,, can't seem to process it.

[kitty teeth]

I’m so lonely.

[rogan]

ha. haha. :')

[Captain. A. Stark.]

idek if this is a bad thing but
IDKKKKKKKKKKK
whyd u like suddenly pick up the slack
im not complaining but i have so many thoughts going through my head
u dont know how my parents are, they're crazy
and what if i couldn't be there for you every day? idk
idk if i love you but i certainly want to, i just need u to do the same for me
pls do the same for me

[crabodile]

im struggling and basically i dont know where or how to start in order to help myself

[cainhurst]

i went to the vet with one of my guinea pigs this morning. paid 24€ to simply be told his wounds are healing nicely and i don't need to do more, but should consider castrating them all - a wonderful waste of money :) went home, not even an hour later bear somehow managed to get out of his sectioned off part of the enclosure and started another scuffle with goose while i was in the kitchen for maybe a minute to make myself another cup of coffee. goose now has a fresh, pretty ugly looking wound on his lip and struggles to eat, so i made an appointment with a different vet for 4 PM today to get it looked at

pair that with the fact i'm drowning in work, got "yelled" at by a facility director after i e-mailed him for info because i missed an e-mail from last week that already had everything i need in it, and had to cancel my participation for the incident review committee scheduled at 4 PM due to the vet visit (SUPER professional, i know), my week has already started off GREAT and i don't want to cry and disappear AT ALL

the only positive is that this vet was recommended to me by the piggie breeder for getting the boys castrated, so i'm gonna bring that up while i'm there. i sincerely hope it's "just" a hormone surge and they'll all settle down a bit after castration. the four of them got along really well until two weeks ago (apart from minor, non-violent disagreements that are perfectly normal behaviour), so i'm not sure what else would suddenly prompt them (bear & goose especially) to get this "aggressive".

lion and crow were always more mellow while bear and goose were more dominant in nature. the two dominant boys often butted heads a bit before and the breeder did say that they're likely just "maturing" more and an influx of testosterone is making them act like that, but if not,,, i don't want to give away bear because he's the only one who willingly seeks me out for head pats and i love him, but if the group no longer functions with him in it, i'm not gonna be a selfish prick and force him into an unhappy, solitary life just to keep him around. the other three get along well, after all. it's only when bear is involved that everything goes to hell now, and i simply don't have the space or resources to make a separate group for bear to live a good, species-appropriate life in.

why can i never just get a break in at least one area of my damn life.