- man i can't believe i was crying happy tears an hour ago (because an indonesian artist released a song featuring happy lgbt couples while boicing his support for all lgbt people) and now i just feel... numb. between feeling frustrated over my art, feeling upset that i've been trapped here wìthout being able to move forward with my life, and just being reminded of the homophobic environment i live in, it's just... a lot. i don't have the motivation to take care of myself as much as i should be.
i'm crying and i can't pin down the exact reason why. i'm in a catch 22 situation over my human art because i know that if i keep practicing and posting it i'll organically improve over time, but i can't even sketch anything without hating the result. i can't create anything good. i'm upset with myself and how i haven't been able to put myself out there and make new friends. i know that it's a delay and not a permanent roadblock but i feel like i'm being impeded from reaching happiness. i need to surround myself with like-minded people, lgbt people in my own country, otherwise i'll end up thinking my own identity is a crime again. i hate that i can regress so badly that i think of myself as a sinner who deserves to suffer because of my gender or orientation. it's happened before and it can happen again. i made an oath to myself to never be shameful for my identity, whatever it may be (currently bi/pan and trans), but i keep going back on that oath and it hurts. it hurts to think that i can forget that this is who i am, and that my identity isn't a choice.















