by deathbell » Thu Apr 02, 2020 6:07 pm
god i’m in such mental and emotional distress, i don’t know what to do about it. i don’t have friends to talk to, i guess i’m just once again, for the however-many-th time, left behind and estranged from these people that told me several different versions of the cliché “we care about you” just to once again realize it was crap and that they could even care that something bad might have happened to me in the five months that i’ve disappeared. this is pretty much the only time in my life that i’ve been able to reasonably see and know without a doubt that i’m not the only person who did anything wrong, but the way i’ve just been essentially cast aside, as per usual, just leads my mind back into the habit of taking on all of this blame and making myself think and feel that everything that occurred was one-hundred-percent my fault. i unfortunately am in a situation where i have to live with my family; with my father who constantly uses mental and emotional abuse against me and my mother for things we can’t control, and even just pointless small things; and my mother, who gets upset that i don’t trust her, or really either of them, with anything regarding my emotions and feelings, my mental health, or just my personal life in general, and she constantly pressures me and somewhat harasses me to tell her so that she can play doctor and tell me all the things she thinks she knows about how to deal with anxiety or depression, or the other mental problems that she thinks she’s read enough about online to diagnose me with. i don’t have the ability to seek help, every job application i’ve sent in or interview i had been scheduled for has just become meaningless because every place is just shutting down and not hiring due to the pandemic. likewise, all uni’s or other places offering classes are closed so i can’t use that to fill my time or try to actually form any sort of meaningful or lasting relationship with anyone. the one time that i did have a possibility to speak to someone about it and they haven’t even had the decency to respond to my email requesting an appointment from about a month ago. i’m reduced to complaining about it on a random forum website because i have no where to go. i can barely bring myself to even go out in public anymore because i see groups of friends, or couples, or families hanging out together and it sparks a storm of negative emotion inside me where i just want to have a mental breakdown right in the middle of everything. i keep getting targeted ads and emails and all sorts of other things about those very same topics and it makes me literally sick. my family and i will be moving, likely out of state, within the next few months anyway so i pessimistically think that there’s no point in attempting to form relationships with anyone. and then, to add to that, there’s a chance that we might be evicted, not because of the pandemic or anything that has to do with anything involving my family. i think i’m literally dying and deteriorating away with each day that goes by. to say i don’t know what to do would be an extreme understatement.
