TheComfortCorner | V.8

[grey matter]

Why am I so stressed by a simple decision?
Is it because I usually dont get this much freedom?
I just have to pick...
Binder, sports bra, pronoun earrings, or some other misc stuff?

[soap.cat]

my mother is always working, mad, or mad because of work.
she yells at me for any of the 'gay stuff', and purposely isolates me.
she makes everything my fault, even if i had no involvement.
everything i do makes her hate me a little more, and i'm going
to have to come out soon, before my dysphoria becomes too much
and i do something i regret, but i'm scared she'll get even worse.

my dad says he supports me being a lesbian, but does everything
he can to make the differences between me and my brothers
clear and won't acknowledge the fact that i'm transgender,
even though i've repeatedly tried to talk to him about it. he makes
a homophobic joke every chance he gets, and mocks me constantly for
wanting to be a boy.

they wonder why i don't talk to them, why i just hide away and hang out
with the 'bad' crew- which means the lgbt people- and why i can't just be
normal. i don't know what to do anymore. i can barely get a few hours of
sleep a night, and i'm scared i'll start failing my classes because i can't
concentrate. i can't hide my scars, not when it's near 80, and i've been
noticing them so much lately. i can't talk to anyone about it because i
can't trust people, mostly because i trusted my parents the most and i
tried to talk to them and they've been making my life hell. i don't know
what to do, or who to turn to besides my aunt, but if my mom finds out
my aunt's supporting me, she'll get rid of her, too. i'm so lost.

[|Winter|]

I think it's my fault.

I didn't mean to of course, but that doesn't change the fact that it's my fault. I know they said it wasn't my fault and that it was the other people's fault. They're the ones that put her in that situation, but I'm the one that couldn't save her. I couldn't save her. Now she will die slowly and there is nothing I can do about it. She's too weak. But she's such a fighter... I know she will try to fight until the very end, but it's almost useless at this point. The damage is done, they can't do anything to save her. Her sister will have to grow up without her. Alone.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you... I tried. I should've tried harder, stayed longer, done more, but I didn't. I wish I could take it back, maybe someone else could've done better. I'm so sorry... Goodbye my little girl.

[Winstalgia]

nothing feels real lately.

[sinensys]

today's been great :))))
after two years of intense gender dysphoria, today on the way to my appointment i felt so much anxiety. except i wasn't anxious about not getting the testosterone prescription - i was worried i would get it, and i don't know why. i've wanted to look more masculine for so long, and when i got the chance, it was like my screen was covered in are you sure? prompts. i didn't set up a future appointment, even though today's appointment didn't go through: there was a major gas leak in the complex they were part of and everyone evacuated. i had driven half an hour on interstates to get there, and when i'm five minutes away? traffic from redirected flow headed to the specialist's place as the whole major road was blocked off. i spent thirty minutes trying to drive a mile and a half. then i got there, waited twenty minutes, left two voice messages asking them to call me back to reschedule (mostly done to verify that i'd shown up and wouldn't need to pay their fifty dollar no-show fee), and left. i spent another forty minutes of backroads to get home. oh, did i mention that i told mom i was going to a study group initially? now i can't slip up can't slip up can't slip up can't slip up can't can't can't especially not after i realised i'm not ready for t yet. at uni i'm out, everyone calls me sebastian (even if half the classes call me she and not he, but i'll take what i can get and not make a scene). i hope i stop oscillating between wanting t and not wanting t. i need to make a pros n cons chart ig. i need to find a therapist instead of posting on a silly website.

then i got home, and it turns out that my father, who is houston teaching a class on emissions analysers and methods, had a seisure and then was driven to the hospital. younger sister is hysterical, mom is panicked, and i am empty. an hour and a half ago, we got a call that his condition, which we previously thought was moderate, rapidly turned for worse, and now he's going into surgery in effort to save his life.

[viles]

• i know he's doing it to be nice, but i really don't want to go. just the thought is making my stomach flip flop around. and if she goes...ugh. i don't think i could take it.

[Johto]

Thought I was doin good, nope, just temporary feelings. It always goes back to giving up on all hope. I wish I could be made happy by drawing, but since I pretty much just hate my art now, it's eh now. I feel okay, then I notice the flaws and feel like crying, I shouldn't be affected by it this much, but I just want to be as good as my inspirations, and I feel like I never will, no matter how hard I try. My head is an absolute mess.

[mars]

got dumped today by someone that I wasn't even technically dating yet? idk it's complicated and my feelings are all over the place

he said that he wanted to date me, that he'd wait to hang out until I was comfortable from my severe anxiety, and that we could take things slow. then not even a week later he attacked me for not hanging out with him and accused me of not really loving him and faking my (professionally diagnosed) anxiety.

that's a big yikes right there. I'm glad I got outskies, but I'm still kinda upset because I thought that we were truly soulmates from the way we clicked. he wasn't even my type, but I liked his personality so much that that didn't even matter. I even added him to my private groupchat yesterday too so now I have to explain to all of my friends why he left.

gross.

[symbols]

..

[겨울 꽃]

I made it through the day. I'm proud of myself.. but there was one thing I didn't do and now it's really pissing me off. I should've mustered up the
courage to talk to her and ask her if she wanted to hang out on the holidays but I was too nervous and just smiled and waved goodbye. Damn..
I regret it so much.