I feel like I dont know myself anymore, which funny because how can someone not know who they are?
" You know who you are when you're a kid, but you're not a kid anymore and you don't know how to be an adult, you don't know where you fit into the world-" was a sentence i heard from someone that is the closest way to describe the start of the situation.
When I started my first year of university I was so excited and proud that not only did I got into the university I wanted, but I also get to study a subject that I actively show great interest for. And as the months rolled by around the last 3-4 months of the first year I noticed that I had become greatly unhappy, I would criticise myself for not doing better, for not being worthy, for being weak, usually those emotions would be the main reason i would always try to be better, but negative motivation never works for long and its never, I repeat, never healthy long term. At one point it didn't feel like I was the one criticising myself, of course I was doing it unspoken, but the "voice" felt like it was someone else, because I dont think id ever purposefully put myself down so often and so harshly.
Does any of that make sense? I realise now how hard it is to explain how you feel without sounding like any other attention seeking person out there, or just sound coherent enough for the other side to understand you.
Around the same time, one day after returning from classes I realised - I didn't care for anything, which not only startled me, but it actually worried me becauseI never experienced anything like tgathat before. Even the things I caref passionately about, that I loved with all my heart, felt plain and uninteresting. I began to sleep a lot more, just all day and all night, at that point I lost any interest in classes, which acted out against me because every waking moment i'd remind myself how much of a failure i'd become. And it was all going downhill.
I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, because in all honesty something was wrong, my behaviour wasn't healthy. I'm not a person that would go online and self diagnose using psychology forums, because self diagnoses tend to be wrong, if psychiatristst and therapists know not to self diagnose, people that are professionally trained, how would i do it properly?
I did consider shortly, could it be the infamous D word - Depression, but i quickly disregarded the idea. I dont know what clinical depression must feel like, but i know it's a topi not to be taken so lightly.
I did try talking about it, one person said its due to the age we had entered, the other (who I told only about the negative self motivation and self criticism) kept trying to interpret what I felt when an interpretation wasn't needed, I was telling everything how I felt it.
And now I'm back in university and again I adore what i study, but it's the same thing. I sometimes find it hard to imagine myself in the future because I don't have perspective. (Just to clarify - not suicidal, nothing of the sort)
And in a way I feel like I deserve to be sad, I deserve to be in pain and it sometimes feels like two people and one just pushes the other around. Its this kind of sadism/masochism that concerns me. Ill watch, listen, read anything about how to be a better 'you' and will think "Yes, you can do it" only to go back to " But I dont want to be better, i dont deserve to be." I havent told anyone this and i dont show it in any way, I dont want to bum people out.
I never tried to pick up the subject again, because I didn't want to openly admit I was weak. Because as wrong of a point of view as it is, what I felt, what I'm feeling I accept as being weak. I wouldn't think the same if it concerned anyone else, to be clear. Its difficult to explain.
Has anyone else felt anything like this, specifically the "being tired of everything, not feeling up to anything" or felt lost and gotten over it? I'd honestly be thankful to be able to read about someone who has had experience or knows anything on the topic.
" You know who you are when you're a kid, but you're not a kid anymore and you don't know how to be an adult, you don't know where you fit into the world-" was a sentence i heard from someone that is the closest way to describe the start of the situation.
When I started my first year of university I was so excited and proud that not only did I got into the university I wanted, but I also get to study a subject that I actively show great interest for. And as the months rolled by around the last 3-4 months of the first year I noticed that I had become greatly unhappy, I would criticise myself for not doing better, for not being worthy, for being weak, usually those emotions would be the main reason i would always try to be better, but negative motivation never works for long and its never, I repeat, never healthy long term. At one point it didn't feel like I was the one criticising myself, of course I was doing it unspoken, but the "voice" felt like it was someone else, because I dont think id ever purposefully put myself down so often and so harshly.
Does any of that make sense? I realise now how hard it is to explain how you feel without sounding like any other attention seeking person out there, or just sound coherent enough for the other side to understand you.
Around the same time, one day after returning from classes I realised - I didn't care for anything, which not only startled me, but it actually worried me becauseI never experienced anything like tgathat before. Even the things I caref passionately about, that I loved with all my heart, felt plain and uninteresting. I began to sleep a lot more, just all day and all night, at that point I lost any interest in classes, which acted out against me because every waking moment i'd remind myself how much of a failure i'd become. And it was all going downhill.
I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, because in all honesty something was wrong, my behaviour wasn't healthy. I'm not a person that would go online and self diagnose using psychology forums, because self diagnoses tend to be wrong, if psychiatristst and therapists know not to self diagnose, people that are professionally trained, how would i do it properly?
I did consider shortly, could it be the infamous D word - Depression, but i quickly disregarded the idea. I dont know what clinical depression must feel like, but i know it's a topi not to be taken so lightly.
I did try talking about it, one person said its due to the age we had entered, the other (who I told only about the negative self motivation and self criticism) kept trying to interpret what I felt when an interpretation wasn't needed, I was telling everything how I felt it.
And now I'm back in university and again I adore what i study, but it's the same thing. I sometimes find it hard to imagine myself in the future because I don't have perspective. (Just to clarify - not suicidal, nothing of the sort)
And in a way I feel like I deserve to be sad, I deserve to be in pain and it sometimes feels like two people and one just pushes the other around. Its this kind of sadism/masochism that concerns me. Ill watch, listen, read anything about how to be a better 'you' and will think "Yes, you can do it" only to go back to " But I dont want to be better, i dont deserve to be." I havent told anyone this and i dont show it in any way, I dont want to bum people out.
I never tried to pick up the subject again, because I didn't want to openly admit I was weak. Because as wrong of a point of view as it is, what I felt, what I'm feeling I accept as being weak. I wouldn't think the same if it concerned anyone else, to be clear. Its difficult to explain.
Has anyone else felt anything like this, specifically the "being tired of everything, not feeling up to anything" or felt lost and gotten over it? I'd honestly be thankful to be able to read about someone who has had experience or knows anything on the topic.
