Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[.Vellichor.]

K,

Thank you for talking to me. I felt things shift and I hope that my newfound honesty isn't off-putting.

I just do not want what we do have to fade before it has the chance to grow into something incredible. You always joked that I was always too coy about my feelings, so I'm not doing that anymore - I'm being real with you even if it scares me.

I hope that it makes you feel at ease, rather than terrified.

Also, this habit of talking to me while you drive, while a little nerve-wracking (PLEASE be safe, you nerd), gives me a warm fuzzy feeling... I like being present in the mundane moments in your life.


I love you, my dearest friend.

[>ShadowFangs<]

Dear S,
You're my first girlfriend and my first love. We've been together since I was 18 and so much has changed over the years. You make me feel understood and not alone and our personalities mix so well and what I'm about to say is completely unfair to you. I don't want to be together any more. I feel like I'm stuck in life and I want to figure out what I want to do as far as a career goes but I feel like I can't really discover things about myself while I'm in this relationship. I have told you since the beginning that I'm a person who values space. And for the past four years that hasn't changed and it isn't going to. But I hate conflict so much that I've always pushed my feelings away when it came to making you happy. With that being said though I do feel like I've always tried to communicate how I feel to some degree. I feel like it isn't right that every time you're off of work and I'm off of work we HAVE to be together. If we are not together while we're both off of work you get upset so I don't do that and I haven't for four years. My diet has completely changed for you because you get upset if you eat dinner alone and you know I don't have the biggest appetite I like to eat maybe 1 or 2 meals a day. But if I eat something at work and come home and I'm not hungry I have to eat anyways otherwise you won't. And most of the time you get off at 10:30 pm and I get off at 4:00 pm so when I'm home I just have to stay hungry until you're off. On top of that, even though I pay for all of our food you still have yelled at me countless nights over you not being satisfied with it. I'm so tired of arguing about food and dinner I wish we could just eat separately. I've pushed away literally all of my friends that I used to hang out with because if I hang out with them alone you get mad and if I bring you with you're mad the entire time and they can tell. It's awkward and I don't want to put my friends or family through that but I have multiple times. Financially, I'm a mess right now and I feel like you expect me to continue buying everything like I have for the past four years even though I've communicated several times that all of my credit cards are maxed out and I need to focus on paying that debt before I can just start throwing money around again. I don't blame the debt on you either, I'm the one who offered to pay for all of those things but I wish you would just understand that I'm stressed about it and I need to take care of it. I told you how I was considering a debt relief program to help with the interest and you yelled at me. You have never trusted me you think I don't know about all of the times you've gone through my phone when I've never touched yours once. I know that you saw a text where I said I thought one of my coworkers were hot. After you read that message you treated me like trash for over 4 months. You never even admitted to what you did or told me what was wrong I figured it out on my own. I think you have the right to be upset about the way I said what I did to my friend. You have no right to go through my phone or treat me like garbage. I'm allowed to be attracted to other people than you when I have absolutely no intention of pursuing anyone else. You ruined night two of the Taylor swift eras tour because you were convinced I had a crush on my twin sisters best friend which I do not. I value the time I get to spend with my sister as she is in the military and is in another state and I don't know how I can forgive you. You never even apologized to her or our friend who travelled with us. You tried breaking up with me on that trip and making everything about you. Sometimes it feels like you don't even care about anyone but yourself and your family. I feel like a part of the reason these past four years have gone by so fast is because I'm living for you. Like my daily purpose is to not upset you. And every day I just repeat the pattern. I don't want to keep living like this. If we were to get married today I know my life would be over and I would be stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. I told you that I don't want kids ever and that may still be true I don't know because I know I'm not ready for that type of commitment. And I might never be ready but you seem to think that I will just magically change my mind and I want to say that there is no way I would consider raising a child with you. Maybe someone else in the future or maybe if you completely changed but right now I would never put a child in that situation. You're the only girl I have ever been with but you still think I'm going to cheat on you and you always use the excuse that you are insecure. I've said this many times to you but I'll say it again. I'm insecure too. I'm one of the most insecure people I've ever seen. That doesn't give you the right to assume that I'm cheating on you all of the time. You get mad if I don't text or call you on my breaks/ lunch at work and when I'm home it's like I seriously cannot have a life outside if this relationship and I'm so tired. I'm exhausted and depressed and all I want to do is sleep for the rest of the year. Im tired of taking this one day at a time I want to think about my future. I want to live life like I used to before I was in a relationship. I want my time back I want to be able to do what I want and not be afraid to come home to an argument every night. I just really want to be alone. But I can't stand the thought of breaking your heart. It hurts me so bad to see you upset and I don't know how to tell you this in real life. I wish I could.

[harrington]

a,

i’ve been struggling with this for a while, and i continue to bounce this idea back in forth in my brain. it’s constantly on my mind, and i need to get it out. i don’t know what i’d do otherwise. i really, really, really, would like you to read this entire thing before responding. you know me - i’m neurotic and need to get all of my feelings out. i need to over-explain everything. i just want to make sure you completely understand where i’m coming from, and i hope that you can give me the patience that i need to express my feelings truthfully.

other the course of the past couple of months, i’ve grown to develop feelings for you. not “oh my god i’m in love with this guy” feelings, but more like “shoot, i want to be around this person way too much for it to just be friendship” feelings. it’s been truthfully very confusing and has been tearing me apart. i really don’t want to ruin our friendship. i care about you deeply and you are one of my good friends. i’m very happy to know you. i think this is what makes this so hard. watching my feelings from you drift from platonic to… not is something i’ve dreaded because i was so afraid of losing you as a friend. i *am* so afraid.

i don’t really know what to do with this information. i don’t even know if you’d even be interested in doing anything with it either. i don’t even know if you like guys, nonetheless trans ones. i don’t know where your feelings lie. i would be surprised if they were anything but platonic, but i wonder if you would ever would be curious. to explore? to try? could something even come out of this, or am i just saying it to say it? i don’t know anymore, and i’m afraid to find out.

i guess i just thought you deserved to know, if nothing else.

c