Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[Resplendent]

Dear self,

What happens happens. Your fear is rooted is not getting any job for the summer, and that's okay. The thing is, this doesn't have to be scary or even a bad thing. Even though getting a job/internship would be ideal, one thing else is that you've worked so incredibly hard over the last 5 years of working your butt off, so much so that despite paying thousands of dollars in tuition, you're still 8 thousand dollars over the financial goal you set for yourself that you wanted to achieve BEFORE going to college/paying tuition. It's as if you never spent a dime.

So, if no gig results from this opportunity, is it not imprudent to maybe take some time off and maybe... enjoy yourself for the summer? After this, there's only one semester left, and the odds of said job keeping you long-term are unknown.

But my point is: even if nothing results from tomorrow, everything will be okay in the end, because your end goal is to get a full-time entry level design position somewhere, which likely won't happen until post-college anyway. You're gonna be okay. You're financially okay. Everything is gonna be okay.

Nothing negative will result from this experience. Just be yourself, you'll hang out with O tomorrow morning, and after everything is said and done, you will celebrate this challenging day with bubble tea.

Most importantly though: what happens, happens. And whatever happens after tomorrow will be the thing that is meant to happen.

[.Vellichor.]

.

I know that you get upset about things, and it's reasonable to be upset. I know you can't always put on a happy face. But you get so cold toward us when we try to be there for you in your bad moments, and at least for me... it hurts. I already feel like I'm not worth much to you because you're always so silent about the things that matter, but when you get outright cold, I don't understand why you're even talking to me. It feels like there's nothing you want from me, more like you just need someone to take it out on.

I can't tell you any of this, because it would just make your unpleasant situation about me. There's nothing I can do but stay out of your way and let you keep being cold. And I don't think that's healthy.

I love you. A lot.

I just don't know what you want me to do.

[iHolli]

{ I probably won't be able to tell you all this but-- I have to say it, somewhere.
{ I don't read back through conversation-- I always want to, but I worry that's weird, so I don't. but I did it this time and... wow, we've come a long way in a short time. I'm sorry I didn't talk much at first. things have been so hard, you probably already know I've been too scared to let people closer than arm's length, I didn't want to get attached to someone again. you managed to best me on that, anyway. and yet I'm okay with it. there's... so much about you that makes me okay with it. somehow I'm able to smile and tell myself, even though it's going to end someday, because it always does, it's nice to laugh so much right now. just hearing your voice brightens my day-- just seeing you say hello to me lifts my mood, who am I kidding. I'm way too attached, I know, but you're so comfortable and genuine, it's easier to accept the joy for now.
{ that's besides the point. still important, but not the point. I completely forgot a lot of what we did talk about in the beginning-- what little we talked, anyway. even then a little part of me was already trying to reach out though, I can see it. just a couple of rodent-adjacents, too afraid of being weird, wanting to make friends, worrying about being annoying. heh, we still are doing that, despite knowing we're comfortable with each other, right? it's a work in progress.
{ but seeing that-- the day you admitted you were lonely because all the friends left who used to talk to you during the hours we now spend on the phone in comfortable quiet, sometimes being silly, sometimes having discussions... that hit me like a train. I forgot all about that and seeing it now, I realize, maybe all the times I jokingly say out loud where you can't hear "it almost sounds like you actually want to talk to me" [affectionately]-- maybe it's not a joke, after all. I suppose that's too much to assume, and yet. those are our hours, now, I realize.
{ even though we're a whole world apart, maybe we really are good for each other. maybe it's not so one-sided as I worry some days. and yeah, I know you've got way more people you talk to besides me, especially now that you're one of the group-- and darling, every day that makes me happy, the subtle reminder that finally, this one time, I was right to trust someone so much-- but that realization that I actually do fill up some significance in your day? I know how that sounds when you're the first person I talk to every day and usually I'm the last person you talk to every day and we call several times a week on top of it and you're so completely comfortable with me but, you know how it is, and how I need tangible evidence for some things. it's-- well, I'm stunned about it, really. like-- I don't find myself being that important to anyone. suddenly I'm thinking, oh. what would happen if I weren't here to fill that space in your day? like, maybe I'm as important to you as you are to me, it turns out. I don't mean that in a bad way like it sounds, but you know I mean well. we connect so easily like that. you understand my meaning. you know I'm all bark, no bite, especially with you. and vice versa, of course.
{ it's a silly thing, but going back through the messages helps, after all. somehow there's even more you've said that hits harder than telling me you're glad you met me, that I make you feel safe, that you'd believe my voice telling you you'll be okay. yeah, that all lives rent-free in my head. I cry about it some nights, it means so much. you know I'm disgustingly soft beneath the facade, cher.
{ thank you. even if it's just for a little while, it's nice to matter to someone. regardless of my bad nights. whatever happens... I'll always be grateful you came along right when I needed a reason to keep getting up every day. ♡