Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[SpookyWindchime]

Dear G,
We met at a time I was feeling the loneliest I have ever felt in my life, we became strong friends in a very short amount of time. Something about how you sometimes acted made me wary to trust you, especially reflecting on past bad experiences with a “best friend”. The first warning sign was when you told everyone something I asked you to keep between us, something that could have affected my life if certain people found out. That was the first time you betrayed what little trust I had in you, and for some reason I forgave you after some time, even though this was more for my own sake than genuine. Things never really got better you never trusted me, even if I gave you no reason not to, and you would always bring up the fact that you don’t trust me or that you are scared of me. It really hurt that you said you were scared of me, just because I look intimidating doesn’t mean I would ever want to hurt you for any reason, and I never did on purpose. You bring up the time when I accidentally tripped both of us up and how much it hurt and the pain “I” caused you, that made me feel like a horrible friend and made me reluctant and uncomfortable to be close to you in case I hurt you again…
Ironically I am complaining about the things you have done that motivated me to feel this way, yet you find a way to complain about everything; your parents, your friends, other really unneeded things. I always tried to listen to everything you have had to say but it gets too much where im just listening to you droning on about complaints and completely ignoring any thing I try to say. Similarly you interrupt me when I talk so I just give up talking or trying to share things that made me happy or exited with you anymore. Because you don’t listen so it makes me feel like you don’t care at all. I have tried to be enthusiastic when you get achievements both big and small I will always congratulate you enthusiastically and genuinely, but it’s hard now when you don’t reciprocate that to my achievements “ooo” doesn’t convey excitement or pride for others achievements it’s a half hearted lazy comment to “show”.
you care but it’s all a big lie behind a uncaring facade.

Finally you don’t appreciate me. How I go out of my way to run to your rescue when you are scared at home, how I invited you do do fun things and you never return the favour. You invite other people out? So why not me? No being scared isn’t an option because I’m one of your oldest and most loyal friends. I do/have done so much for you, physical forms mental forms, I supported you through your hardest times. You just call me when no one else picks up, you only text me when it suits you.

I want to leave this toxic friendship and find people who actually care and value me.
I see her, the one before you, you are both very similar in ways: how you act and how you make mistakes but never learn about the consequences. I feel like I’ve made the same mistake again becoming your friend.

A person can love you unconditionally but they can also hate you unconditionally.

A beautiful mirror can turn into dangerous weapon when broken

[viles]

• to someone,
  
  i had a cheesy letter here, detailing my feelings right now, but that's too much for me to throw into the internet. so, uh, yeah, someone, you'll probably never know what i wrote, but i guess it wasn't really for you.
  have a good life.
  
  from,
  someone else

[bubbaberriboo]

x

[Vulppix]

Dear fake doctor I would like to rant to,

Okay first off my balance is wack because there’s a hole in the bone over my ear probably and it makes me feel like I’m kinda falling sometimes and just really wobbly, and my balance in the dark sucks I stumble around everywhere and when I lay down I have a weird feeling in my head on the side of my ear. Thankfully I have an appointment scheduled today to check that out and I might get surgery for it soon if the doctor deems if necessary
Also I have tinnitus in both ears so I’ll never know what real silence sounds like, but at least I know when I can’t scream out,loud there’s a.ways a little part of me that is screaming. My ears.
Anyway I also have a lump on my neck and under my jaw and they’re kinda tender and feel weird after I touch them and it’s really annoying and nerve wracking and also one side of my jaw feels smaller and thinner than the other and I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not
I also have a sensitive spot on my tooth again a nd I think i’ll need a filling it’s probably because I drink too much soda but I can’t stop drinking it bc I’m adictided and don’t want anything else ugh
Speaking of which my diet is horrible and that probably doesn’t help my stomach problems, I’m so gassy and stuff all the time why do I burp and pass gas so much more than everyone else it’s so embarrassing. And I get these diaphragm cramps sometimes where ir just builds up pain through out the day and it only feels better if I laydown or burp or pass gas for some reason, I kind of think it s a type of hernia or something because if I eat too much before I go to bed I get really uncomfortable too and those are signs of one I think
My ribs are crooked and it’s kind of uncomfortable when I sleep and rn they feel kind bruised so that sucks, but I should probably start sleeping on my side because apparently there’s a ton of cons to sleeping on your stomach which I do and that might not help any of my issues much.
Sometimes I get this weird twinge in the right side of my neck/collarbone/shoulder like there’s a tickle in my nerve somewhere and it’s really annoying bc it feels rlly weird
My septum is really deviated inside and thankfully that’ll be fixed when my ear is fixed probably so I won’t get so stuffy anymore and my nose won’t make weird popping noises either. But my nose a,so feels kinda like there’s something in it?? Or something wrong with it because when I touch it, it just feels off I don’t know. Like there’s pressure in it. Oh also I have parosmia so everything tastes and smells off but it’s getting better, I can eat more things now
My vision is also really bad, I have a bunch of eye floaters and they’ve so annoying but the eye doctor said I have nothing to worry about
sometimes I get sharp pains in my skull over the top right-ish side and feels like in the middle of or under my skull and it’s weird. I also get sharp pains in both ears occasionally, not just the vertigo ear. Sometimes if I move my jaw wrong while chewing it hurts my ear. And once I got a weird twitch on the outside of my ear just under it on m y jaw for a couple days where it would twitch really fast, and now after that I’ve had a few random times where it twitched once or twice on its own
Sometimes my heart palpitates
I have a wart on the bottom of my foot I can’t get rid of :(
My left thumb’s cuticle is screwed up and won’t stay connected to the nail completely
I’m so constantly overstimulated that I can’t focus on anything but any less stimulation feels like I’m not doing enough so because I’m always filling my Brian with too much I can’t do anything very easily, and I have so many things I want to do but don’t vbecause I’m lazy and I feel,like I’ve ruined myself because I haven’t pushed myself hard enough and I don’t know how to do anything and I’m scared for the future because I don’t know how to work properly unless I actually want to do it and so everything I do is lazy and I feel like I’m going to fail because I’m to scared and lazy to fix anything
I have a scar on my lip from picking on a recent fever blister and it’s really annoying bc I keep giving myself scars on my face bc i can’t stop picking on things

Thanks for listening, fake doctor I can rant too

Sincerely,

A hypochondriac

[zima ❅]

.

[galaxyy.]

hey :]

just wanted to say i'm proud of you and i wish i could be there for you more. kinda hard when you're so far away. i wish we could hang out more like we used to; every single day when you used to basically live in my room is burned into my memory forever. i miss you so much. i know i wasn't really that open when it came to my own problems (fatal flaw of mine i suppose, bundling everything up and pretending i'm fine when i'm very much not), but you always made everything better. you didn't even have to do anything, just being there was enough. i hope i've been able to deflect some of your burden over the years, even if i can't be there to do it now. i hate being so busy and unable to be more than a "rip" or an "i'm sorry :/" on your screen. i just wish i could do more for you. i feel as though i haven't been as good of a friend as i could have been over the time we've spent together, despite all the praise you give me for being your best friend. i hope i can make it up to you someday, after being so far apart for so long. even without seeing you every day anymore and slowly drifting apart in terms of interests, you're still my best friend. i love you so much. please keep trying, for me.

[bubbaberriboo]

i see you online. why are you ignoring me. please at least tell me what i did wrong. did you decide i wasn't good enough? or were you just using me. please tell me. please. i'm losing it.

[passione]

i haven't been back here in a while.


dear xia,

this is the name you go by now. i know you've always hated esther. you hated the way it sounded and how it had a religious background. you hated how it just didn't reflect who you were, and you hated how it made the other kids laugh at you.

your name is xia. and i know you're going to love it when you find out that this is who you are. it's a fantastical name that you gave yourself. one day, people will respect you enough to call you by that name. albeit, you'll have to wait a long time for it to happen.

life is not listless. you are not fifteen or sixteen or seventeen or eighteen and you're not trapped in your head. you're not a twelve year old looking for something to make you happy. you're not ten and boy crazy and waiting for prince charming to come along. prince charming never comes. prince charming doesn't exist. but you'll learn that that's okay.

you'll never really know who you are. and i understand that this is scary, but it's important to know that so you'll stop looking for definite answers everywhere. you only need labels for very basic things. there are no constants in life. i understand that this is the hardest truth for you to accept. i know it took you years to do it. but perhaps you are your only constant, and even then, you are everchanging. you will love yourself one day and hate yourself the next. friends come and go, and so does anyone else. you don't need a constant to be stable. you just need to understand that you will make it to the other side. damaged, but safe.

your boyfriend in ninth grade doesn't care about you. you may think that he did, but boys who care don't chase you down and harass you until you say yes. boys who care will not change every aspect of you to fit their mold of perfect. just because you were his girlfriend, does not mean you had any obligation to give anything to him at all. but even if you made mistakes, that's okay. and even if those mistakes hurt you as deep as they did, know that at the very end of the pain and anguish, you are happy and in love with someone that you would not have met if you didn't take this path.

i wish you weren't hurt the way that you were. i wish the pain was less permanent and i wish the things that boyfriend did wouldn't leave scars. but you learn to deal with it. first, unhealthily, then much better. you get better, xiabrine. i understand that at age seventeen, it was a difficult thing to believe. i know that you thought you were poison and therefore only deserved poison. i know you go through too many relationships before figuring out that you don't deserve to be hurt over and over and over again. i know that you didn't think you deserved to be loved and safe. it takes a long time to learn, and even now, i can't grasp it with both my hands.

but that's what therapy is for, and that's what the medication is for. listen to the doctor. asking for help is where the journey starts. as much power as you want and as independant as you want to feel, you've suffered too much to heal on your own. you will have your power one day. your choices will matter one day. you won't depend on the people who hurt you one day. it's a rocky road and it takes years, but i've already seen nights in a row where you don't think about that bad boyfriend of yours. you will see it too.

look forward to the next decade. maybe the world gets a lot more dangerous, but you'll understand the pain of falling in love with someone who is barely out of reach. and then, just a year later, you'll understand what it's like to finally reach them. they're good to you, xia. you'll understand the beauty of not rushing headfirst into a relationship and then regretting it three months down the line. you'll have loved them for so long before they finally tell you that they love you too-- but the wait is entirely worth it. you won't get tired of them. they treat you the way you've been wishing to be treated since you were in grade school and still boy crazy. they aren't poison. they're the real definition of beauty and you still, to this day, have not seen anyone prettier than them.

look forward to the texts past midnight when they want to show you a playlist-- or when you simply want to say i love you and see them respond. look forward to waking up next to them in the morning and forgetting about the entire world as you're wrapped up in their arms. look forward to getting up way too early for work but texting them and getting a response anyway because you love each other and that's just how things work between the two of you.

you will be okay, xia. i know it takes time, but you have all the time in the world.

sincerely, you, but from a bit farther in the future.

[caesou]

dear...

i really want to use your name haha. but i'll hold myself back.

dude, i really like you! i am whipped for you! i just think you're super pretty, you give me butterflies, and i love talking to you. i feel alive talking to you. we got along so well and we chatted so much. please tell me you didn't do that just to get together with a girl, because i really cared, i had so much fun. i hadn't met someone who wanted to listen to me like you did, who wanted to get into the interests i had.

i just... i just want you to reply to my texts, that's all. it's been like two days - perhaps i am impatient - but my heart is aching and it's going up and down.

i have so much to say, i have so much talk about. what about you?

[pixieknees]

i hate the people like you

you know, the ones that are selfish, self-centered, cruel -- needlessly so, but act like they're the kindest person on earth. you're so incredibly oblivious, dude. don't call me dumb. stop acting like you're smarter than me. you're literally not, I'm just not nasty to you. maybe i should be.

you're not a genius, you're just a man doing the bare minimum.

stop trying to make me jealous, i literally do not care about you. stop acting like i care about you, i literally do not. stop trying to make me admit i care about you, i literally do not. I've made it obvious. stop acting like you're better at things because you're a male. i hate it, naturally.

you're not a better gamer than me. don't call me lame because I'm playing with my friend and he's helping me beat bosses. I'm literally 42 levels higher than you. stop running my fun.

again, you're not a genius. you are a man doing the bare minimum.

when I'm calling you pathetic, I'm not flirting with you. when i debate with you, and you cant hold your own, it really is pathetic. its not cute when you change your point just to agree with me. that's pathetic. the most pathetic thing of all is when you hate on women and think its fine. or comment on what a woman's wearing.

"if i was dating her, she wouldn't leave the house in that". you're not dating her. she wouldn't date you. that's the point. me talking to you is charity-work. lick my boots.

i know I'm nasty. I'm a mean person sometimes. I've told you that. i also told you ill probably hurt you -- not in an edgy, mean-spirited way. i told you that because i knew you'd try to exploit me for your benefit (you're not very good at doing it, though, are you?) and i knew that id do the same to you.

but hey, i let you know before hand. and you crossed that line first.

stop using women. i hate people like you.

don't boast about breaking hearts, either. because firstly, i know that's a lie. you're incapable of that. secondly, its not cool. if it were true, its pathetic. if its not true, its pathetic. you lose either way. god.

but. stop. commenting. on. women's. bodies.

stop. it. stop. it. stop. it.

and stop calling me gay like its an insult. i literally like women. i literally. am attracted to women (or anything other than you). you're saying it like its a bad thing and you're straight so its not really a good look.

stop making everything about my body. i showed you a picture from when i was a 6th grader and you commented on my thighs. i showed you because it had my cat in it. what is wrong with you. you're so pathetic. i hate people like you. i hate you. leave me alone, you filth. i don't want to talk to you anymore but you just wont take a hint. and if i tell you i don't wnt to talk to you anymore, straight-up, yOULL KEEP MESSAGING ME, BEGGING AND PLEADING FOR MY FORGIVENESS.

ITS NOT ABOUT THAT. IM DONE WITH YOU. THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT.

yeah so anyways
i swear I'm not horrible, but i do lack patience. and i don't owe you anything. i don't owe you my help or my time. i am not your mother.