Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[.Vellichor.]

.

I know that you get upset about things, and it's reasonable to be upset. I know you can't always put on a happy face. But you get so cold toward us when we try to be there for you in your bad moments, and at least for me... it hurts. I already feel like I'm not worth much to you because you're always so silent about the things that matter, but when you get outright cold, I don't understand why you're even talking to me. It feels like there's nothing you want from me, more like you just need someone to take it out on.

I can't tell you any of this, because it would just make your unpleasant situation about me. There's nothing I can do but stay out of your way and let you keep being cold. And I don't think that's healthy.

I love you. A lot.

I just don't know what you want me to do.

[iHolli]

{ I probably won't be able to tell you all this but-- I have to say it, somewhere.
{ I don't read back through conversation-- I always want to, but I worry that's weird, so I don't. but I did it this time and... wow, we've come a long way in a short time. I'm sorry I didn't talk much at first. things have been so hard, you probably already know I've been too scared to let people closer than arm's length, I didn't want to get attached to someone again. you managed to best me on that, anyway. and yet I'm okay with it. there's... so much about you that makes me okay with it. somehow I'm able to smile and tell myself, even though it's going to end someday, because it always does, it's nice to laugh so much right now. just hearing your voice brightens my day-- just seeing you say hello to me lifts my mood, who am I kidding. I'm way too attached, I know, but you're so comfortable and genuine, it's easier to accept the joy for now.
{ that's besides the point. still important, but not the point. I completely forgot a lot of what we did talk about in the beginning-- what little we talked, anyway. even then a little part of me was already trying to reach out though, I can see it. just a couple of rodent-adjacents, too afraid of being weird, wanting to make friends, worrying about being annoying. heh, we still are doing that, despite knowing we're comfortable with each other, right? it's a work in progress.
{ but seeing that-- the day you admitted you were lonely because all the friends left who used to talk to you during the hours we now spend on the phone in comfortable quiet, sometimes being silly, sometimes having discussions... that hit me like a train. I forgot all about that and seeing it now, I realize, maybe all the times I jokingly say out loud where you can't hear "it almost sounds like you actually want to talk to me" [affectionately]-- maybe it's not a joke, after all. I suppose that's too much to assume, and yet. those are our hours, now, I realize.
{ even though we're a whole world apart, maybe we really are good for each other. maybe it's not so one-sided as I worry some days. and yeah, I know you've got way more people you talk to besides me, especially now that you're one of the group-- and darling, every day that makes me happy, the subtle reminder that finally, this one time, I was right to trust someone so much-- but that realization that I actually do fill up some significance in your day? I know how that sounds when you're the first person I talk to every day and usually I'm the last person you talk to every day and we call several times a week on top of it and you're so completely comfortable with me but, you know how it is, and how I need tangible evidence for some things. it's-- well, I'm stunned about it, really. like-- I don't find myself being that important to anyone. suddenly I'm thinking, oh. what would happen if I weren't here to fill that space in your day? like, maybe I'm as important to you as you are to me, it turns out. I don't mean that in a bad way like it sounds, but you know I mean well. we connect so easily like that. you understand my meaning. you know I'm all bark, no bite, especially with you. and vice versa, of course.
{ it's a silly thing, but going back through the messages helps, after all. somehow there's even more you've said that hits harder than telling me you're glad you met me, that I make you feel safe, that you'd believe my voice telling you you'll be okay. yeah, that all lives rent-free in my head. I cry about it some nights, it means so much. you know I'm disgustingly soft beneath the facade, cher.
{ thank you. even if it's just for a little while, it's nice to matter to someone. regardless of my bad nights. whatever happens... I'll always be grateful you came along right when I needed a reason to keep getting up every day. ♡

[SPARKL3D0G]

Dear S

If you saw me today you’d be proud of me, I wish I could tell you how well I did in my dressage competition (I mean I literally came first) but honestly I just wish I could tell you anything at all. I keep wanting to tell you every time something good happens to me or every time I get upset but I can’t tell you anything now, you’ll never know anything new about me and I’ll never know anything new about you and what hurts me is how I can’t add anything to my memory of you. I thought about you a few times today, I still dream about you as well but I can only remember how your voice sounded calling me “puppy” and I fear that some day I’ll forget your face considering I no longer have any access to the very few photos I had of you.
I don’t want to forget you, I saw a tiktok of someone saying about what song she wanted playing as she walked down the aisle at her wedding and it made me sad because I knew for so long what song I wanted for OUR wedding and it kills me we’ll never have that, I still can’t listen to that song since I lost you and it’s hard enough listening to the other songs that you sent me so I never play my music on shuffle because if one of those songs started without warning I think I’d cry. I’m trying not to cry now even if I had a great day, you’ll never know how my life turns out even though I planned to combine it with yours.
I would tell you all this if you were still around, I told you as much as I could when I knew our time was limited but it would never be enough even if we knew every moment of each other’s existence from womb to grave. I wanted to give everything and receive everything, I wanted to hold you so tight that neither of us could breathe but it would be fine because all we need to live is each other and please I hope that you know that even if things were difficult sometimes that I’ve loved you beyond the end of us and I will love you until after I die no matter how many other relationships I have or how good they are because even if they’re easier or objectively better I will still love you just as much as I do now.
I really hope that wherever you are that you’re doing as best as you can, I hope that if we’re right about what happens after you die that we can be together then.
I think tonight I might try to watch the last movie we watched together, I hope someday I can watch the second movie we ever watched again but the characters seem too much like us for me to handle it yet and it was tragic just like how our story was tragic. I honestly feel like romantic love makes me sad now, I’m at the point that I’m open to dating again but this time with different standards but I’m not going to seek anything out because I don’t really know if I can deal with someone else not instantly living up to you so maybe I should just think on it more.
I really wish you had sent me the box of presents you got me, it’s a bit silly but to have more stuff that came from you would have been really helpful but it’s ok I don’t blame you I’m not mad it just would have been a comfort

[.destiny]

to whom it may concern

part of me doesn't feel justified in having these feelings and the other part of me feels like it's being torn apart. i don't know what i'm feeling right now, whether it's anger and resentment or concern. maybe a mixture of the two? i don't really know right now. maybe that recent dream i had about you was my subconscious.
i've been feeling this way since april 20th, the day you vented about your situation. and what came of it left me feeling conflicted and upset in a way. it feels like we've gotten distant and it feels like you don't particularly care for what i say anymore. maybe i'm looking too much into it but, looking back, we used to talk constantly. used to do things and call often. i know i don't initiate anything, so i take the blame on that anyway, but everything feels very cold. it feels like there's an underlying tone of severe disinterest in our recent conversations. even when you say "i love you", it feels so disingenuous; like you're forced to say it.

i understand your decisions and actions and why you found comfort in that person in the way that you did. but it doesn't really feel like you want to get out of it. it feels like you're okay with it, and okay with pushing your friends aside to get what you want; focusing all your attention on some random person you just met. i guess it hurts in a way, but i feel like i'm being entitled for having these feelings. you're an adult after all and you can do whatever you want to do.

that conversation on that particular day left me with some thoughts. you were hurt by their distance because they're busy and so you thought of a solution; to go back to someone who hurt you with being distant too? i didn't really understand at the time. but then i asked you why it was easier to tell him he needed to be okay to be alone and not apply that to yourself and it made more sense. obviously it sounded like you were just covering yourself and making excuses; because you were. the cycle of leaving someone to find someone "better"; we're both familiar with that. you're exhibiting the same behaviors he did, almost like you're becoming what you hated. it's sort of terrifying to be a bystander to it all. do you even like this person? love them? or do you just love their attention? if so, wouldn't you also be acting entitled the same way you said that he feels "entitled to a relationship"?
i understand your trauma, but it feels as though you use it as a shield to avoid accountability for yourself. you lash out on your friends and use your mental health as a reason, you've lashed out on me and did the same. we all know what the problem is here, but you back down and say "i don't know what more i can be doing". but then also avoid telling your therapist all the details.

i can't really do anything about it, and it doesn't feel right of me to say any of this to you either. it feels like everything i've said to you has gone in one ear and out the other, and you're simply at a point in time where you don't care. i can't force you to care, either. you have the resources you need to get better, but you choose not to use them because, to me, it feels like you simply don't want to get better.
i don't really know what you want anymore. i'd like to think that i've tried, and that your friends tried too. but i can't make you want something, either.

maybe i'm overthinking it, maybe not. i wish you safety and happiness, i just wish you wanted that for yourself too. but if this is what you want then i hope it's worth it.