I just needed to let this out, no replies necessary though if you do, please pm. Whatever battle you are fighting
today, know that you can and will overcome it and do wonderful things. <3
I've really been having a rough time lately. I have a undiagnoseable sleep disorder that has puzzled my
doctors for years, and its just getting worse. There's little to no research in the area of dreams and what
there is mostly focuses around children or just vague interpretations... nothing about how to stop. I have
dreamed every stupid night of my life for the past 5 years. I'm a semi-lucid dreamer, which means I have
a varying degree of control over myself in my dreams, and am also aware that I am dreaming while I dream.
I can also recount my dreams the next day, heck the next week, in vivid detail. All these articles I find on
dreaming are people looking to find how to lucid dream and it makes me so frustrated. It is so debilitating
and horribly exhausting to dream so much. I'm at the point where I don't sleep unless I take medicine, and
then on top of that I still dream. And usually they're motion length, long, complex, twisted, insanely detailed
dreams that I can't even accurately explain. They hang over me all day, like a shadow following me and weighing
me down. Typically they're also nightmares, with varying degrees of severity.
They leave me feeling like I'm drowning. Sleep is so important and to be deprived of it feels so horrible. It's like
waking up to start a new day but being smothered by a heavy fog. The emotions I get from dreams are also crushing.
I feel afraid, alone, and so tired of being tired that nothing seems to be able to disrupt it. Some days I can just go
on with my life like nothing is wrong, but on days like today I just feel so heavy, so worn out.
The saddest part is it seems like only my boyfriend cares. I have quite a few friends that I care very deeply about
on one of my social media accounts and I've posted some stuff about the sleep disorder mentioned above and literally
no one reached out to me, even just to see if I was okay. It makes my heart hurt, so bad that I can feel it in my chest.
I'm really that... unimportant to them? People I rush to help and comfort when they are feeling hurt or overwhelmed or
just need help. And they just watch my story and ignore me. Wow. There's that crippling hollow feeling. Most days I can
just convince myself its because they're busy, or maybe they can't find the words. But on days like today, where I feel
so small and so crushed by a disorder I can't even fight or see, I realize that's its just the simple fact that they don't
care. Or at least not as much as I care for them. That must be my 'fatal flaw', caring too much. I'm so deeply lonely,
all the way to my bones, the kind of lonely that makes your chest feel like its caving in and all you can do is sit there
and smile.
but life goes on, and I'll be able to manage it better tomorrow. I'll be able to bury the hurt and keep on going.
If anyone read this, I really appreciate you doing so, I know it's a lot. I hope you have a wonderful day and
that all the things you are worrying about turn out right (maybe not the way you planned, but still alright) and
that you remember that you are so important and wonderful in your self <3
