a winking skeever wrote:sometimes i just feel like uttering the single smallest word in the wrong order or context will [censor] others off
like it's selfish if i leave one word out or put an extra one in, if i use the wrong ones, or condescending against others just to say it at the wrong timeline, or everything i say looks like some sort of disgusting ulterior motive. the simplest words. things like 'to' or 'the', or most basic adjectives. i really don't want to care. logically i sincerely doubt anyone gives a flying crap how i say things but there's still this feeling of dread and disgust with myself that always pops up eventually.
and it's really great how much trouble i have just talking. in real life every damn conversation is an awkward struggle, i just stammer and mix everything up and it turns into this illegible blob and i thought i was more coherent in writing but sometimes i just really don't know. i can't put what i'm really thinking into words that accurately describe it. no matter what it is i find out later that what i said has little or no semblance to what i was actually trying to say. and the few times it actually seems like it's coming out right for once, i get cut off. because the people i know offline are used to me blathering. they don't care what i'm trying to say anymore because i've never made sense before so why start now? i finally get it to make sense, in a normal, linguistically correct manner, and it doesn't matter. they won't hear it.
and this morning i figured something out- my life has an unachievable pricetag. it's set over a few million dollars. that's what they charge people like me so we can be allowed to have less than half a chance to live normal lives. that's how much it costs to make the stress go away. it'll never happen.
i hate myself. i'm afraid to talk to others. i'm afraid of anyone knowing i exist. i'm afraid of existing at all. every year is worse than the last. to be honest, i've been dealt a pretty lucky card in life, compared to a lot of other trans out there. but i'm never satisfied. i have things so much easier than them and all i can think of is what i'm not and i feel like i've been sick for a long time. i feel so weak and drained all the time i have to struggle to get even the simplest chores done anymore and i think i'm starting to figure out that a lot of what goes through my head is unreliable. always afraid of everything and i'm just so tired of having to care.
I understand how you feel however try not to bring yourself down as all of those people who your scared to talk to for the sake that you might make a mistake will have mistakes themselves and wont be any better off than you so try not to hide away and carry on talking the way you want to as you have every right to say what you want and no one can ever take that away from you as for being judged try not to worry about it as your more wonderful than you think and you always have been also don't let those people offline get to you as if they ignore what you say then that is their loss not yours as they lost the chance to talk to a brilliant and intelligent person and nothing can ever replace that fact also don't let them make you hide away as you deserve far better respect than that and you always have and i know it can be hard to talk to others however sometimes that's just who you are however don't change for them as your lovely the way you are and im sure they will have their flaws as well and if they ignore you then perhaps they lost the chance to learn from a brilliant and wonderful person so try not to hide away you deserve a chance to just be you and if you make a mistake then that's okay no one is perfect and at least you tried that's all that matters or ever will matter and i know that you feel bad about yourself however you are more amazing than you think and everyone communicates in their own different ways however it's alright and nothing to be ashamed of as we learn along the way to develop our communication skills and yes it can be difficult at times however in the end it will always be worth it and im sorry that things can get so expensive believe me i know how you feel however it's always worth it to keep trying and to keep going and keep trying your best as you still do have a wonderful and bright future ahead of you and not even a price tag can change that fact if you keep on trying and keep on going as im sure you will do even better than you think and i know that it can seem daunting at times however even with the price tag you still have a chance to relieve yourself of the stress that your going through as it wont always be that way and it might seem hard to believe but things will slowly get better slowly as long as you keep going to get to that point and i know sometimes it feels like it's hopeless however your more wonderful than you think and you can go so much further than you think and i know it's hard to talk to others however you can take things at your own pace that suits you so try not to rush yourself and always remember that you wont be the only one who feels like this and that despite how hard it may seem to believe there will always be people out there who you can get along with if you take that chance also try not to compare your life with others i know that people can be worse off however you still have your problems and you have every right to feel worried about them however try not to be so harsh on yourself everyone has problems either if they big or small in the end they are still problems and each type effects people in different ways however you shouldn't feel bad about how yours effects you and i know you feel drained however keep going it will be worth it in the end and perhaps go for a little walk now and again to perhaps help clear your mind a little and maybe calm you down and give you time to unwind i hope this helps and if you might like you could always pm me if you might like to talk about it however try to remember that you are and always will be loved for who you are.
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