Segie wrote:I just really feel terrible. I'm sick of feeling this way. I want to be happy, but I just can't. No matter what I do, even if I can be happy for a minute, the emptiness always creeps back inside of me.
I hardly have anything. And I don't mean material things, not really, although I don't have those. I'm poor as dirt, simple as that. If there is something I want, guess what? I can't have it. I often imagine myself fantasizing about having everything in the world, and that's one of the only times I feel happy. I always criticize myself for doing so, but I still let myself do it, because it really does make me feel better. I haven't gotten anything new, I won't be getting anything for Christmas, besides the things I need but can't afford, Christmas is just an excuse to buy them. Like clothes and stuff. Oh well though, I don't really need that stuff to live. Besides the clothes, obviously.
But what I want, more than anything but can't have, is family. Sure, yeah, I live with my mom, dad, brother and sister. But they aren't family to me. My mom, she is terrible to me. All she does is scream at me, for everything and anything. She doesn't listen, god no, she doesn't listen at all. I could tell her a crazy story about anything and she would just stare off into space. It just makes me feel worthless, you know? She can't even nod her head. She just completely ignores me. When I walk in the door home from school, work or wherever I was, she is always in the chair by the door, playing some game on her phone. She doesn't even look up. Sometimes I say hello or something, but never get a response. She really doesn't care about me at all, she tells me how she doesn't like me and how disappointing I am but I don't really believe it. I have no relationship with her though, so really, I don't have a mom. I haven't spoke with my brother for at least 5 years now. Sure, sometimes we exchange a few words like, "hey can I borrow your phone charger?" But that's all. He hates me. My sister just does things to hurt me, she hates me too. Me and my dad are close, but he is never home, and I am just left to be bullied by the 3 people in my home who hate me. I don't have family, not the kind of family I need. I have my two dogs, the 15 year old one who adores me and I adore him, and a younger one who really couldn't give two craps about me, even though I'm the only reason we have him. Every night I just hold the older one, because he really is the only thing in this world who truly shows me affection.
And then, I really don't have friends. And I'm not talking about internet friends because they are all great and I love them, but its just not the same. Exchanging messages on skype it not the human interaction I long for. I have three friends right now. However, I don't have their phone numbers. We don't talk outside of school. We pretty much only talk in the classes we have in common, and its probably just because they have nobody else to talk to. They mean so much to me, but I am hardly anything to them. So, I guess I kind of have friends. But nobody is truly there for me, not friends or family.
It just all sucks. It especially sucks that I find myself ranting on this thread. I know this will just be ignored and looked over, and I want it to be that way. I just wanted to put my feelings somewhere, but I don't want sympathy. I never, ever, ever get any sort of sympathy, and if I somehow do, it makes me uncomfortable. I'm not used to people caring and I can perfectly handle people not caring, because I care. But when I really start to feel bad, I just rant somewhere, get it out, and move on to trying to find that happy place again. So I guess I'm going to crawl back to my sketchbook and netflix, my only true friends. |D
I read you're whole post. I decided to not ignore it and just look over it. Im not going to even bother saying "I understand how you feel" like other people do. To be honest, I don't. Although I do understand the friend situation. I know you didn't say anything about backstabbing ex- friends, but I have plenty. I feel like tearing off my skin when I see one of them with their best friend group, prancing around, smiling, laughing. Happy. While im in the corner of the bleachers alone. I have very few friends that actually pay attention to what im saying. So the total of those people would be... Three. Not to mention two of by dogs got hit by a car. One of them died and I believe the other fractured her leg. She just tried to come up on the bed, and she hurt her leg. She spends all day on my beanbag, wrapped up in a blanket. Having to be handfed and pooping right there, plus its a struggle for her to pee. She's in a lot of pain and she limps. Basically I just wanted to say, there was a person who didn't ignore your post, and feels a tiny bit of your pain.
