Elemental Rebellion wrote:I don't know what to do anymore...
It's been a build up of stuff for the last five months or so, but I'm starting to find myself alone... I know I'm not the best person, and I know I can be confusing... I'm not that good a friend, but I try... I just don't have the best methods most times... It started with me losing one friend I held near and dear to me... I think about her often, but I don't message her because...I don't want to hurt her anymore... She is better off without me, but it sucks because I see her username pop up on this site and the other site I'm on constantly... I want her to know that I'm sorry for everything I put her through...
I lose the friends I make on here so easily too... I'm not good at talking for long periods of times, so sometimes I don't respond to messages because I don't know what to say next... I'm awkward with conversation... But I try to gift them, or talk to them and they...ignore me or cancel without a message... What did I do...? Can I fix it...? I just don't want to be alone...
And now things seem to be going bad between the last two best friends I have... I've distanced myself from one and seem to hurt her on a constant basis, and the other... There's just too much to put here but I've had her around for five years...
I can't go a day without crying it seems... The only one I have left is my love, and even then I'm scared to death something will happen and I'll lose him too...
I'm actually sort of going through the same thing. My best friend moved out of state a few years ago, so now we hardly talk. Another best friend of mine and I had a falling out, so we rarely talk. We're like acquaintances now. We just wave or smile if we pass by each other, if that. And my other one friend, she never talks to me anymore. I've always been awkward with people, I try to be happy so people might like me and might want to hang out with me. But they just think I'm some weird freak that's into too many video games, blood/gore makeup, and spends their life in front of a computer screen because that's the only place I can maybe make and keep friends who can accept me for who I am.
I come off as kind of rude almost. I joke around a lot calling people jerks or making a few jokes or whatever, because it's just a defensive wall I can't seem to get down anymore. I haven't found the right friends. I'm too scared to be myself because society has people so wound up and if you're not the image they want, you look at yourself like a piece of crap and I'm tired of feeling that way. I have friends online. On Xbox, and sort of on here. And a few on Facebook that I met here and there online. (For christ's sake, I met my boyfriend online.)
I can't keep messages very easily going between a friend and I, because I feel like I talk to much or they aren't even interested in what I have to say. So it takes a lot for me to keep a conversation going, because I just really feel like I'm a bother, or I just lose interest because I feel like there's no point to it, because I doubt they actually care or want to hear about what I have to say anyway.
All the stress everything is putting on me, has made me a crabby person over the last two years. I'm tired of living three hours away from home. I miss my family. I just want to go back and be close to them. But for what? To make my boyfriend feel the same way? He'll just end up how I am because he's going to be the one so far away from his family. And I don't want that. I don't want him to feel what I do. It sucks. But the long conversations on the phone make up for it. It's just a little sucky when you wake up and realize you can't walk down the hall like you used to and give your mom a hug because you live so far away. So thanks to all of that and me being snappy, my boyfriend and I fight a lot. There's tension everywhere now. And I feel like a horrible girlfriend and I don't know how to fix it. So I feel like one day he's going to leave me. He probably deserves better as it is, I'm just lucky.
I'm basically just rambling now, but I know how you feel.. It sucks.. You try to be happy for everyone else but really you just feel like crap. Online and CS is my escape from it all. I don't know what to do to fix it, I just come on here and hopefully find someone to talk to, to make it better for a while. Which is why I found a hobby probably. I like to but on some Gore Special Effects makeup and go on Omegle or walk around town. The attention I get feels good. I feel noticed finally, and it's great. But some people think I'm a freak. Either way, like I said, I have no idea how to make it all go away. All there is, is to hopefully keep that wall up and stay strong about everything. Someday it'll all come back to you in good karma. <3
I really hope things get better for you. <3
-Cellar
I come off as kind of rude almost. I joke around a lot calling people jerks or making a few jokes or whatever, because it's just a defensive wall I can't seem to get down anymore. I haven't found the right friends. I'm too scared to be myself because society has people so wound up and if you're not the image they want, you look at yourself like a piece of crap and I'm tired of feeling that way. I have friends online. On Xbox, and sort of on here. And a few on Facebook that I met here and there online. (For christ's sake, I met my boyfriend online.)
I can't keep messages very easily going between a friend and I, because I feel like I talk to much or they aren't even interested in what I have to say. So it takes a lot for me to keep a conversation going, because I just really feel like I'm a bother, or I just lose interest because I feel like there's no point to it, because I doubt they actually care or want to hear about what I have to say anyway.
All the stress everything is putting on me, has made me a crabby person over the last two years. I'm tired of living three hours away from home. I miss my family. I just want to go back and be close to them. But for what? To make my boyfriend feel the same way? He'll just end up how I am because he's going to be the one so far away from his family. And I don't want that. I don't want him to feel what I do. It sucks. But the long conversations on the phone make up for it. It's just a little sucky when you wake up and realize you can't walk down the hall like you used to and give your mom a hug because you live so far away. So thanks to all of that and me being snappy, my boyfriend and I fight a lot. There's tension everywhere now. And I feel like a horrible girlfriend and I don't know how to fix it. So I feel like one day he's going to leave me. He probably deserves better as it is, I'm just lucky.
I'm basically just rambling now, but I know how you feel.. It sucks.. You try to be happy for everyone else but really you just feel like crap. Online and CS is my escape from it all. I don't know what to do to fix it, I just come on here and hopefully find someone to talk to, to make it better for a while. Which is why I found a hobby probably. I like to but on some Gore Special Effects makeup and go on Omegle or walk around town. The attention I get feels good. I feel noticed finally, and it's great. But some people think I'm a freak. Either way, like I said, I have no idea how to make it all go away. All there is, is to hopefully keep that wall up and stay strong about everything. Someday it'll all come back to you in good karma. <3
I really hope things get better for you. <3
-Cellar
