by Small Child » Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:14 pm
I let her down. I let my teacher down. I know, she's one of those teachers who wants her pupils to do their best, and to excel, but I am too stupid. I can't. I had a panic attack during the test, I was hyperventilating, and I was shaking way too much. I don't know what happened but I let her down. I hid from her today. We were having a concert with Mark Lowneds, or however you spell his last name, and she was walking past my class, and I met her gaze once, just once. My face went red, and I hid beside my friends. I am sorry. More sorry than I have ever been. But I feel as though if I were to have taken that test, I would have failed anyway. Better to fail by my hand, than stress only to do it anyway, right?
I hate myself, and I don't want to have to feel this way. I am sorry, miss, I really, really am. But I couldn't do it. I don't want to have to sit at a desk, stare at the page, and not remember anything, only to completely screw up. I had revised, not three seconds before, and I just-- I lost everything. Nothing stuck in my mind; it flew out the window on silver wings of mock. I don't want to have to face her, when she worked so hard to try and help me. I'm sorry.
She’s one of the best teachers I have ever had, and now I think she hates me. I don’t want her to. I don’t. I hate myself. I really hate myself at this point. I just want to curl up and go to sleep. Then I want to wake up, and have this whole thing disappear. I don’t want this hurt. It’s stupid to have panicked over a test, but I freaked out. I really just… I panicked. I panicked, and I am an idiot to have done so. I want to apologize to her. But then I don’t want to have her disappointed tone of voice, or her upset eyes. I’m a stupid kid, and I need to grow up. I am so, so, so very sorry. And I don’t know how to say it to her. To the person who needs to hear it most.
And I think she needs it only because I get attached. I get attached to teachers, to friends, to adults whom I form some kind of friendship with. I can’t help but have this feeling of… of camaraderie with people I spend a lot of time with.
And now I am sitting here whining when there are people with real problems. God, I hate myself at this point.