мιƨcнιɛғ & ℓιɛƨ wrote:I don't know if I should cry or scream right now. Oh dear, it is very hard to tell. Will someone just listen to me for once?!
I feel ignored. Very ignored. Isolated. Lonely. Silenced. Almost like I'm suffocating.
Oh, but yes, this is Bunni being dramatic again. She's raving mad. Off her rocker. A little loose in the head.
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
I'm sick and tired of this crap. Sick and tired.
Precisely how I'm feeling right now.
No matter who I talk to, for the most part, no one listens. I've even gone to a councelor, and instead of listening they kept cutting me off. A COUNCELOR. And it wasn't like I was screaming or raging, I was talking about it in a regular voice. *sighs*
The only two people that
do listen are my Honey-Bunny who's in another state and can only offer moral support from afar(which I'm still grateful for though), and our school psychiatrist that told me "Well it sounds like you need to talk to your mother and work things out with her."
I'VE BEEN FREAKING TRYING! Why the Hell do you think I'm going to you?!(the psychiatrist, not you lol)
No matter what I say to my mother, it doesn't get through. She just doesn't understand. At all. She THINKS she does, because she has this pre-concieved idea in her head of "What works to get through to me" and all that bull sh**. But none of it does.
All she does is make me feel worse, and no matter how much I try and tell her what works, and helps, and the things that cause more harm than good, she blows me off and says "Oh, those are just excuses."
Or that I'm making up crap stories.
I do the dishes.
"Oh, you didn't do all the dishes! They aren't done! You missed _______". or some reason why it's "Not done" even when it is. Or tells me I didn't do it. Well the magical dish pixies didn't do it! And I sure as Hell know
she didn't.
I go to do one chore like laundry. I get snapped at for not doing the dishes. I do dishes. She snaps at me for not doing laundry.
She tells me to set something in a certain room/spot, then later trips on it and hurts her foot. Oh, it's all
MY fault. And then suddenly it's
my fault she was in that room to begin with when I didn't do anything to bring or call her in there, and starts calling me all these horrible things, making me sound like some terrible demon child.
I spend forty minutes making her food and bringing it to her while she lays on the couch, lounging, none of which I'm going to eat myself - it's all for her mind you, and she goes on about how "I never do anything for her, I'm so ungrateful and selfish!" because I didn't make her cinnamon rolls from scratch. Oh, but that food I spent forty minutes on just magically made itself and teleported over to her!
And of course she has the nerve to tell me "Oh, you just make up/create your own depression and anxiety. It's all your fault." and then forces me to go to church functions that
she wants to go to, and take me to some church thing where there are tons of strangers, like at least fifty, and I feel sick and nearly pass out because of my social anxiety getting the better of me, but she insists "Oh no, this is for your own good!" no matter how much I tell her I can't deal with it.
And then after all these other stressers, and depression and the like, I have school on top of that of course and can't focus anymore, even on the stuff I want to now, so my grades slip. And then of course good old mother wants to lecture me about
that now even though I've been trying for at least a year now to tell her how she could make things easier on me so I
can get school work done, but then she tells me that's a load of crap and I'm just using it as an excuse to get out of responsibility. No matter what I say she
JUST doesn't LISTEN.But, you know, a mother knows best, right?
...right?Some days she makes it so hard to stick to my "No self-harm/suicide" promise to myself and friends and it's not even funny...Please...mom....just leave me alone...I'm so sick of you ignoring everything I say and treating me like garbage...
Sorry, I had my mother call me to once again find reason to chew me out and talk about what a horrible, ungrateful child I am in the middle of typing this out and I'm so frickin' stressed out right now and needed to let that out...there went my good mood...I think I need to just go cry now... TT~TT
