TheComfortCorner | V.8

[겨울 꽃]

Honestly, I'm in so much pain. I'm so exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'm so done with this week, every day feels like it's prolonged
and I can't take it anymore. I'm on the verge of a breakdown but I have to keep myself together for just one more day. Just one more day and
I'll be able to cry for as long as I want, sleep for as long as I want and finally get the chance to eat breakfast and prepare proper meals. I feel
like this school term has been the most chaotic and grueling, I honestly cannot believe I've made it this far. If I try to maintain a positive and
healthy mindset and only focus on my work and studies, will I be able to last until the end of the year? I said that at the beginning of the first
term and I failed awfully. I'm honestly starting to lose credence within myself and my future but I can't give up just yet.

[grey matter]

my parents are too busy arguing
so i can forget asking them to purchase the earrings after i pay them
i can forget touching my toes for a minute so i can play video games this evening, like the one we got two days ago
i can forget making myself happy
because it's so hard to ignore them

it makes me wish i wasn't a minor under their athority
i wish i was an adult instead
living with a roomate
and not
them

but that's only when
they argue
and they have been
a lot

they're always so easily ticked off
they shout at me for no reason
it'd be easier if you just said it like a normal being?!
you want to teach me to not shout at you?!
what the hell is wrong
but dad doesnt care, he's off in his other state where he barely tries to text me and never tries to see me
and neither do mom and stepdad, they're off shouting, she's in their room alone and he's with the kids, talking to himself in the way i'm told not to

they don't let me call myself an idiot aloud
but you know what they do?
yell at each other
aloud.

you tell me not to ask questions
but you expect me to ask
or tell
every time i want to do
something not part of the "normal day"
you two better not ruin the weekend
BECAUSE I SWEAR.
you take away technology from my bedroom
and expect me to sit there
and just
listen to the anger

or you leave me downstairs
WITH YOUR KIDS
and expect me to watch them for some unknown amount of time while you try to not argue
then you get mad at me for following orders and tell me to hurry up and leave the house for an hour
so i wander
and that's
that

[Winstalgia]

during these episodes of mine i seem to lose my appetite. Eating becomes a chore.

I had three bites of my egg sandwich this morning. Here I am four hours later forcing myself to eat at least two waffles. I'm hungry. So I should eat.

I can't wait till this is over again.

[symbols]

Feeling crabby. Very crabby. That short run didn't burn off any steam either. So here I am chewing about 3-4 pieces of gum like a maniac.

[Keir;]

he left the bathroom a mess. he couldn't even take the time to rinse out the tub or sink or wipe off the mirror. there are huge black stains in the tub? and hair in the sink? and white streaks on the mirror? seriously? he didn't even close the toothpaste.

[grey matter]

Why am I so stressed by a simple decision?
Is it because I usually dont get this much freedom?
I just have to pick...
Binder, sports bra, pronoun earrings, or some other misc stuff?

[soap.cat]

my mother is always working, mad, or mad because of work.
she yells at me for any of the 'gay stuff', and purposely isolates me.
she makes everything my fault, even if i had no involvement.
everything i do makes her hate me a little more, and i'm going
to have to come out soon, before my dysphoria becomes too much
and i do something i regret, but i'm scared she'll get even worse.

my dad says he supports me being a lesbian, but does everything
he can to make the differences between me and my brothers
clear and won't acknowledge the fact that i'm transgender,
even though i've repeatedly tried to talk to him about it. he makes
a homophobic joke every chance he gets, and mocks me constantly for
wanting to be a boy.

they wonder why i don't talk to them, why i just hide away and hang out
with the 'bad' crew- which means the lgbt people- and why i can't just be
normal. i don't know what to do anymore. i can barely get a few hours of
sleep a night, and i'm scared i'll start failing my classes because i can't
concentrate. i can't hide my scars, not when it's near 80, and i've been
noticing them so much lately. i can't talk to anyone about it because i
can't trust people, mostly because i trusted my parents the most and i
tried to talk to them and they've been making my life hell. i don't know
what to do, or who to turn to besides my aunt, but if my mom finds out
my aunt's supporting me, she'll get rid of her, too. i'm so lost.

[|Winter|]

I think it's my fault.

I didn't mean to of course, but that doesn't change the fact that it's my fault. I know they said it wasn't my fault and that it was the other people's fault. They're the ones that put her in that situation, but I'm the one that couldn't save her. I couldn't save her. Now she will die slowly and there is nothing I can do about it. She's too weak. But she's such a fighter... I know she will try to fight until the very end, but it's almost useless at this point. The damage is done, they can't do anything to save her. Her sister will have to grow up without her. Alone.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you... I tried. I should've tried harder, stayed longer, done more, but I didn't. I wish I could take it back, maybe someone else could've done better. I'm so sorry... Goodbye my little girl.

[Winstalgia]

nothing feels real lately.

[sinensys]

today's been great :))))
after two years of intense gender dysphoria, today on the way to my appointment i felt so much anxiety. except i wasn't anxious about not getting the testosterone prescription - i was worried i would get it, and i don't know why. i've wanted to look more masculine for so long, and when i got the chance, it was like my screen was covered in are you sure? prompts. i didn't set up a future appointment, even though today's appointment didn't go through: there was a major gas leak in the complex they were part of and everyone evacuated. i had driven half an hour on interstates to get there, and when i'm five minutes away? traffic from redirected flow headed to the specialist's place as the whole major road was blocked off. i spent thirty minutes trying to drive a mile and a half. then i got there, waited twenty minutes, left two voice messages asking them to call me back to reschedule (mostly done to verify that i'd shown up and wouldn't need to pay their fifty dollar no-show fee), and left. i spent another forty minutes of backroads to get home. oh, did i mention that i told mom i was going to a study group initially? now i can't slip up can't slip up can't slip up can't slip up can't can't can't especially not after i realised i'm not ready for t yet. at uni i'm out, everyone calls me sebastian (even if half the classes call me she and not he, but i'll take what i can get and not make a scene). i hope i stop oscillating between wanting t and not wanting t. i need to make a pros n cons chart ig. i need to find a therapist instead of posting on a silly website.

then i got home, and it turns out that my father, who is houston teaching a class on emissions analysers and methods, had a seisure and then was driven to the hospital. younger sister is hysterical, mom is panicked, and i am empty. an hour and a half ago, we got a call that his condition, which we previously thought was moderate, rapidly turned for worse, and now he's going into surgery in effort to save his life.