TheComfortCorner | V.9

[Winstalgia]

I'm stressed out now over school, which I rarely get stressed about. Usually I can balance out my social life, work, and school fairly well, however, one thing made this week become harder for me. My family decided we'd go to the beach one day after work. Problem? That day is usually when I'd get a lot of school done.

My mom said I NEED to get a grade of 85% on my final biology exam if I am to go to a monthly event I go to every month with my friends. I look forward to this every month.

Problem? I'm not confident in my ability to even get an 80%. Biology is difficult for me so far, and my grades keeps fluctuating.

I'm really anxious and if I fail myself I'm gonna be absolutely pissed.

[v1s10ns]

-

[dakotapaws]

im worthless

[farewell]

This is absolutely going to be the longest five months of my life. Five months seems like such little time but I know it’ll drag and drag and drag. I don’t know how I’m going to occupy myself. I wish I had the motivation to do something after work. Bleh. I’m just too tired all the damn time.

[deoxyribonucleic]

how'd i let it get to this point? i know who i am, i know firmly who i am. i am not a bad person.
ryan is my best friend in the whole world and he knows me better than anyone and he says i'm a good person.
i believe him.
i think.

i can't be wrong. i'd like to not be wrong about this. i know, morally, it'd be bad. and i know where my morals stand, i think. i think, i think, i think. i think too much.

i don't even Want to question this rn lol i. i don't wanna think about it. what if i decide im a bad person? where do i go from there?
anyways time to run from my past for the nth time. im getting out of this, i am.
but i like it. it's my interest. my hyperfixation, too, i can't... i can't help it tbh?? in a sense i don't want to get out of it. im happy with it the way i am. with all the idol stuff. im happy being interested in it. its a guilty pleasure but i don't feel bad because of me, i feel bad because people tell me i shouldn't. i feel guilty because people are quick to judge. i enjoy the music. i enjoy watching other peoples lives in front of me, their perfect seeming lives because it takes an immense weight off my shoulders to not constantly think about my own.
i don't want to change, but people all today - even my theater teacher - is encouraging me to change. for other people, i guess. she said it might make my life easier. that its something to think about. its the way i talk, dude. you took it personally. i'm not sorry. you want me to change because it would make YOUR life easier, and you really truly think youre helping me. crazy how the brain works.

but... i'm happy. why should i change? for some meaningless approval? for you to bring it up again later? or for you to not acknowledge the change at all? to move onto something else to pick out little pieces of?

i'm finally happy. i guess i'm doing it all wrong.

---

also lol i feel guilty as hell for going off on him in 2nd block but he deserved it. i know ill take it hard if he does something, though. i shouldn't feel bad. i hope hes ok.

i hope my friends aren't lying to me. d & i have known each other for ages but i think he hates me lowkey. at least i have j & m. i think. maybe they were talking about me earlier? kinda funky. i know my little group at lunch will always be there for me, though. its just v is going through so much and how can i even talk about these issues when theres nothing they can do for me? best keep quiet.

[Winstalgia]

I am so mad. At everyone, right now.

My Mom got really mad at me for scoring 74% on an exam, and said I can't go to the thing I look FORWARD TO EVERY MONTH tomorrow, even though she originally said I needed a 85% on the exam I do after that one. I have yet to do it and she saw that I was upset so asked why and when I told her I didn't think I was confident enough she reviewed my notes and then told me that I should be taking notes the way she told me to. I don't like flashcards, I don't see how they help.

Then I got yelled at for using 'excuses' which is something i absolutely hate being told I'm using. Even if it's true it hurts me a lot for some reason.

She took away my phone saying I'm making my social life a priority over school which may be true but I've hardly touched my phone, aside when to tell my friends I COULDN'T TALK BECAUSE I HAD TO FOCUS ON SCHOOL, AND THEN when i was ON A BReaK. I'm too hard on myself sometimes and will go hours without any breaks so it's not even like I was on my phone long during my breaks.

What more does my Mom want? My self discipline obviously isn't enough. And to make matters worse she blames my crush for a majority of it. He's one of my best friend and yeah, we like each other, but again, I'll go a day or to without talking to him so I can do school, which is what i WAS DOING TODAY.

I am just so over shcool right now. My MOm NEVER worried about my grades when they were a C in public school but suddenly I absolutely need to be getting C'S and B'S???? She acts like I'm not trying my best and I really am. I feel dumb.

I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight. I was really looking forward to going tomorrow and now - damn. I am going to spend all day in bed if I fail this final exam.

[オオタチ]

I'm so sorry i was so cold today, im so sorry i was crying, i hope you know i love you even though i wont see you for a week. I'm so sorry that was the last thing i did was cry. im so sorry.

[mean&gay]

i keep havin fantasies about people,, just like, caring about me. when i see someone i like, i no longer think, 'wow, i wanna kiss them damn', i just think 'wow, i want them to tell me everything's gonna be okay.' but it feels really weird because it also happens with people who i'm attracted to? like, i think they're pretty, but i don't wanna relationship, i just want them to care about me. it's hard to explain but the feeling makes me uncomfortable. it feels like all my romantic feelings for anyone i'd previously been into have been turned into this sense of 'dear god please just help me.' i wonder if it's my parents' fault.

[mars]

currently debating whether or not to ditch my current "friends" irl like they've ditched me over and over again 😌
tonight may have been the last straw. I'm tired of them making promises and never following through. it hurts me every single time
but tbh playing pretend or even just ignoring them is far easier than confronting them and leaving,,,,,so I'm very conflicted

[kanata]

i hate being a system
it isn't "fun" and you cannot be a "natural system"
it sucks, it sucks so much
it sucks so much not knowing who you are or what you are so much
friendships and relationships are made hundreds of times more complicated
i can't believe people think its fun to be a system and have the audacity to steal our terms and appropriate a mental illness
it hurts man. i would be a singlet right away given the chance
im stuck with many lifes worth of trauma i just, can't get rid of or get over.
i can't remember half of my life
not to mention modern tulpamancy that isnt practiced by asian religions is extremely racist
endogenics steal everything from us, what a surprise
<3