by Sarish » Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:57 am
Somedays when I wake up I realize that my self-loathing is going to hit harder than usual. It doesn't have a trigger, usually.
Suddenly everything I've ever done or said or touched becomes poisonous and I can't stand it. I can't look myself in the mirror and I fear these days because I know that everything I do will be so disappointing.
I know that sometimes, rarely, you recognize these days. You'll ask if anything's wrong and I'll smile and say "nope" because I know what will happen if I tell you otherwise, if I let myself think that I'm not strong enough to handle this on my own for even one second.
I'll tell you everything, explain how I despise myself more than anything else in this universe and you'll just shake your head and huff and get angry with me and yell because I should be grateful for everything I have and I'm so lucky and I should just get over it. Yeah.
I know, I know. It's not working, though.
"You're just a disgrace. People lie to you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. They won't tell you the truth. Nobody needs you around, not really. They'd be better off without you. It would be better if you had never been born. It would be so much better for everyone if you just disappeared. They'd realize that you are more of a burden than anything. You could do something about it, but you won't. I know you won't. You're too much of a damn coward. You don't want to hurt people, but you do it anyway. What kind of disgusting human being are you? You can't stand to look at yourself, and you know why. You keep your chin up and you smile but you can't look in the mirror because you know that you're a waste of space. Boo hoo, poor you. Your life is so hard. You're so selfish. Just go. Just leave. Just get it over and done with."
And I know my mind is toxic. I know that some of those things aren't true. But a good number of them probably are and I'm grasping at nothing trying to believe otherwise.
Just a waste. A waste of a person. A waste of a post on this thread. Taking up space.
But I also know that I've never fought so hard to push all of this way. Never. Suddenly I want to try and stand up to all of it, but it rises up in challenge because now it actually has an opponent instead of a victim. I'm trying so hard and I still can't win. I just don't know how long I can take it. I have a reason to fight. But sometimes it feels like the reason is trying to get a bit too close, trying to help... and I just can't accept help. I guess I'm stubborn in that way. I want to push away like I always do. To let the reason go, to turn away. I get attached so easily, and then I'm terrified and disgusted that I let myself get close enough to potentially drag someone else down with me. No. No. I won't do it again.
But I also can't let you go. I'm too afraid of the implications. So I'll trudge on, weak and abhorrent and disgusting. Maybe I won't mess up this time. Maybe I can stay strong enough to cling on. I need this reason to keep moving, but it's too much. What if I hurt someone?
What if I hurt you?
Why hello there.
I'm absolute trash and that's basically all you need to know about me.