TheComfortCorner | V.7

[dogbrain]

After long prying, my dad has convinced my mom to possibly move to a house owned by an Amish couple. At first, I was OK with it, but then the wife said no pets. Okay, so my dad called and told the husband how our dog was a good dog, stretched the truth a little, and he said that he would talk to his wife about it. They haven't called back, yet. Either way, I hope they say no. I thought that "Yes, it would be a new beginning," but then my mom said that even if they'd accept our dog, they probably wouldn't accept our two cats as inside ones. Dad said that they'd just be outside/barn cats, but earlier he said "They'll get hit up there." And, we wouldn't be able to take Misty's three kittens. They are her second litter, and they were a successful one. I can't leave them, and I don't want Sooty and Misty to get hit by an idiot passerby, nor do I want those kittens to end up in a shelter just to be euthanized. I would somehow feel responsible for that, and I have witnessed enough cat and kitten deaths to feel guilty; as if I could have helped. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Besides the animal situation, I thought to myself that I cannot simply leave this house. It's where I grew up. My entire childhood and teenage years were spent here. I might be on my way to move out in a couple of years, but that feels so far away to even think and worry about. I finally opted to get my driver's permit, and that was a big step on it's own. And put moving on top of that, and leaving behind my childhood and loving kittens ... it's too much for me to handle. Adulthood decisions are coming too fast. I told my mother that Christmases, Thanksgivings, and Halloweens wouldn't feel the same. They wouldn't look the same, smell the same, or even taste the same. Our surroundings wouldn't be the same. Going from hearing the katydids, tree-frogs, and other weird-pretty noises to cars and horse-buggies going by. No woods to explore.

Luckily, I am going to see my boyfriend tomorrow. That will make me happy and forget a little.

[bytes]

I just got swept with anxiety and I don't know why
I'm such a drag to them,, and its all hitting at once
I cant even get good sleep anymore
I cant focus correctly ]
I'm so tired of saying "I'm good"
but I hate talking about myself
i'll bottle my emotions, alright?
it'll be okay!
its all just worthless

why am I trying?

[darkin]

i'm really upset.
I hate when I try to be nice to people and then they start being rude to be, what did i even do?? like just because I don't like something you're interested in or I don't agree with what you say means that you have to go crazy at me and call me names.
What makes it even worse is when people start saying things about my edits I put hours into, I'm sorry you didn't like the song I picked out?? Don't go correcting me on something that doesn't even need to be corrected.

I work everyday on my laptop from 3 PM till 4:30 or 5:00 AM on my videos please just don't tell me they're bad or make fun of them..

Also I hate when I say I like a certain person in a group and they call me this name which i wouldn't be aloud to say since its who they like and i'm apparently stealing them?? They're an idol lmao they don't belong to you.

I literally just cried because of what you said to me.

I'm just venting out literally what happened not that long ago aha sorry.

Oh and telling me or "exposing me" since I said this person was my friend when they said they didn't know me.. I mean I changed my username plus whats new. Everyone forgets about me anyways. aha.

[hellebore]

I want to live up to my potential! I want to live up to standards--no, beyond standards! I know what I could be without the mental illness. I'm done with it, I'm through, oh if only it was a choice I'd shed all of it right this moment. I reject all of it. It cannot be a part of me anymore. I'll do anything nondestructive to get rid of it; I'm legally an adult and I can't drive, have never had a job. I'm in college and it made me go from the top of the class to the very bottom. I won't tolerate it anymore. I won't tolerate failing due to mental illness anymore. I'd rather die than fail from it again. I'm ready for the meds. I'm ready to get back into therapy. I'm ready to do what I hate in order to get through it. Put me in front of a crowd to give a speech! I'll cry and gag but dammit, I'll do it a million times to get over it. Make me share all my essays. I'll shake and vomit, but I'll learn to get over it. Have me talk to every stranger, play a game with others, walk to the store alone, npt wear a hat, give a speecj. God, I'mshakinf from tje anxiety just thinking aboit it. Good! To hell with it! Shake from head to tpe; I don't care anympre, to hell with you! Good riddance, go away, leave me the hell alone!! For God's sake

[food ☕️]

I want to live up to my potential! I want to live up to standards--no, beyond standards! I know what I could be without the mental illness. I'm done with it, I'm through, oh if only it was a choice I'd shed all of it right this moment. I reject all of it. It cannot be a part of me anymore. I'll do anything nondestructive to get rid of it; I'm legally an adult and I can't drive, have never had a job. I'm in college and it made me go from the top of the class to the very bottom. I won't tolerate it anymore. I won't tolerate failing due to mental illness anymore. I'd rather die than fail from it again. I'm ready for the meds. I'm ready to get back into therapy. I'm ready to do what I hate in order to get through it. Put me in front of a crowd to give a speech! I'll cry and gag but dammit, I'll do it a million times to get over it. Make me share all my essays. I'll shake and vomit, but I'll learn to get over it. Have me talk to every stranger, play a game with others, walk to the store alone, npt wear a hat, give a speecj. God, I'mshakinf from tje anxiety just thinking aboit it. Good! To hell with it! Shake from head to tpe; I don't care anympre, to hell with you! Good riddance, go away, leave me the hell alone!! For God's sake

May I just say, this is absolutely beautiful. That might not have been the response you expected, but I honestly think that it's wonderful you think in such a way. If you go through with your ambitions, if you remain devoted to getting better, I honestly don't doubt that you can accomplish it. Good luck with your struggle, I hope you put forth your darnedest to beat your mental illness. It might be tough, but call me a dreamer, I know that if you're diligent enough, anything can be accomplished. I just find it delightful that you speak so passionately about taking initiative. It takes guts and time and hard work, but it will be worth while in the long run. :)

[van Wolf]

.

[CyberneticVampire]

// I know I complain here a lot but this is the only place I can go without getting backlash from family and friends.

My stomach hurts so bad right now.. I always eat too much.. I was starving all day and finally ate at 1:30am but I overdid it. I can't help it though.. When I'm starving I eat a lot.. So much pain rn.. I also have way too much stomach acid.. ugh.

I also want to start working out.. I want to be fit and strong if I'm wanting to get a job soon, but because of my bad knees it makes it hard to stand for long periods of time. So I want to make my knees strong but I feel like my ambitions will fall through and I'll just be a failure.

[- Alice -]

it will make sense if you click it.

[Keir;]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped; I can't deal with this anymore, but there's nothing I can do about it either.
small backstory first; I've lived with my grandparents pretty much my whole life. I got taken away from my parents for reasons that can't be said on here. When social services got involved with I was 4, after I finally told my aunt about what was happening, my grandparents said they would take custody of me, they had pretty much raised me most of my life at that point anyway, because my parents would just drop me off with them and leave. I've always been really close with my grandparents, they've always been there for me, I've always been able to talk to my grandmother about pretty much anything.
But ever since I was really little, probably 4 or 5 years old, I also fought with her a lot as well. Always over the most stupid or unimportant things, whenever we have a small disagreement or misunderstanding, it's always blown up into a huge screaming match. Every single time she ends up saying things like how she's never cared about me, that she doesn't love me anymore, and that she never wants to see me again; I do admit that I have said some pretty horrible things to her as well, though. This happens like every few months or so, probably the longest we've gone without a fight like this is six or seven months, but it's usually more like two to four months before it happens again.
---
Well, after the other day, I feel like there's just no fixing it this time. We've had much worse and more violent fights than this before, but how things have been the past couple days after have been different than usual, worse. Here comes a really long story about the events of the past few days.
So what was the fight even about? She's been cleaning out the storage room the past few days, and was just moving out the bags of clothes in there, to go through and see what we were going to keep and what could be donated to Good Will. Well, I tried to find the bag of my winter clothes that I had put up so I could take out the stuff I still wore, because a lot of it still fit me and was stuff I would still wear. The reason it was put away was because, well, they're winter clothes and it's summer right now, and there's not enough room for both summer and winter clothes in my closet. Well, after looking in the storage room and in the garage where she was moving things, and also in every other room in the house, it was not there. There were all sorts of other bags of clothes, of her's and my grandfather's, but none of mine. All of my clothes were gone. I asked her if she had put anything anywhere else and if she remembered where she moved the bag of my clothes, and she said she didn't know and that it was probably in the garage with the others. I looked through the three bags out there over and over, none of them were mine. After that, I asked her to help me look and she got extremely mad. I just asked why she was so mad, and she yelled at me that they probably weren't there, which of course confused me. I asked what she meant, and she said that there had not been a bag of my clothes in there. I will tell you that I am 200% sure it was in there, and that it was there just a few months ago because I was getting clothes out of there a couple weeks before school was out in May. I asked how an entire bag of clothes could just go missing, especially when all the others were still there. She yelled that she didn't know and that is must have just disappeared. Well, that's when I got mad, it was like she was trying to avoid telling me anything, I ended up sarcastically saying "Did someone break into our upstairs room and steal my clothes? Did my cat decide to take them? Did the bag grow legs and walk away?" and she said that it must have. Well, at the point I walked away to go look again, still found nothing, because clearly it was not there. So I went back to her and asked if she had taken anything to Good Will yet, and she said she doesn't know. How do you not know? Did you or did you not put stuff in your van and drive 30 minuets away to drop them off? It's a yes or no question, honestly. After asking her multiple times why she kept avoiding my questions, she finally snapped and yelled that yes, she had taken stuff a couple weeks ago. I had no idea of this, I had no idea she had taken stuff to Good Will, especially not my stuff.
I obviously got mad. She took like half of my clothes to Good Will without even telling me, and then tried to hide and avoid it when I asked her! But what really set me off was when she started saying that I had no right to be mad at her. I feel like anyone would be upset if someone did this to them! Please, tell me that I am not crazy about being upset over it. She then started yelling that I was overreacting, being dramatic, trying to start a fight over nothing, etc. At that point I started yelling as well, saying that she had no right to get rid of my stuff without even telling me, and that it was really wrong for her to straight up avoid telling me when I asked. After a while of both of us screaming our side of it to no avail, I finally ended up yelling that there must be something wrong with her to think that that was okay and said I hated her. Before anyone attacks me over it, I already know very well that I shouldn't have said it. I didn't mean it, I was just really upset over it, along with the stress of other problems as well. Let's be honest, almost everyone has said something mean or that they don't mean when they get upset, right?
After I said that, she came at me to try and slap me. I ran for the stairs to get back to my room and got about halfway up the stairs before she was screaming again. She said that I need to pack my stuff and get the hell out of her house. She told me she doesn't ever want to see me again. Then she told me to go live with my mom. My mom, who has never had a job in her life, is either living on the street or with whatever guy she can get to feel sorry for her this month, and is currently on 10 year parole for yet again things that cannot be mentioned here. My grandmother wants me to go back to that.
What's worse? This is no where near the first time she has said this, she says it every single time we fight. A few times she actually has found and gotten a hold of my mom to try and get her to take me back.
---
That was three days ago. The day after that, I spent the entire day in my room besides coming down to get food. I didn't talk to her, didn't go in the same room as her, didn't even see her for a second that day. I did the same thing for the most part yesterday, until I finally went to try and talk to her and my grandfather about the problems I've been having with my period, or rather, not having my period for four months. Well, she was talking to me but was extremely passive aggressive the whole time, as was my grandfather, who had no doubt heard her side of things and not bothered with mine, as per normal. I just left and went back to my room, seeing as we were going no where with what I was trying to talk to them about.
A bit later, I went back down there after my grandfather had left for work to try and talk to her again, well, she was even more angry now that my grandfather was gone. While he always sides with her, he does at least keep her more under control. I just went back to my room again.
I went back down later to try again. Well, this time she ignored my for probably a half hour when I sat there and kept asking for her to listen and talk to me. I apologized for saying I hated her, and said that it's not true, and said I was sorry for yelling like I did, and that I didn't need to scream like that. She didn't accept it and didn't care, and continued to ignore me for a while. After a while of just sitting in silence, I tried talking again, this time about what I originally needed to talk to her about, but she just got angry again. Then she started going off about the other day again. She started saying how horrible I am, and yet again how I was wrong and have no reason to be mad at her, then she started making excuses about what she did; "You haven't worn them for months" -- well, it's summer, and they were mostly hoodies and sweaters. "They were too small for you" -- no they weren't, they all either fit me well or were big on me, I usually wear things that are too big for me and she knows that, she always complains about how it makes me look "dirty" and "poor." Then she said that she bought them so she has the right to get rid of them. Well, considering I'm not even old enough to have a job or drive yet, she's of course bought most things I have, part of having a kid is buying clothes for them, I thought. We argued back and fourth about whether she had the right to for a while, obviously still not going anywhere again.
But what she said after that is what really got to me. I asked her again if we could talk about what I had originally wanted and needed to, and she told me that she doesn't care. My period has been messed up for four-five months now, missing some, barely having it others, and getting extremely, un-normally bad, cramps, to the point of me not being able to move, and making me physically sick where I can barely even eat, and have thrown up from them hurting so bad. The other day she herself said that there is probably something wrong and that I need to get it checked out. Now she does not care. She told me she doesn't care about me at all, that she hasn't for the past year, and that she could not give a damn if I have something seriously wrong with me.
No one cares about me, it's official. My parents obviously never cared about me. I lost all of my "friends" a few years ago, I have no friends that I really talk to anymore. I have like one friend irl, who I admit is an amazing friend to have fun with, but she's not someone who understand of it very good at dealing with serious problems. I have like one friend online, on CS who I talk to sometimes. But we're not extremely close or anything, and I just don't feel right burdening them with my problems all the time. I've already vented to them enough, they shouldn't have to put up with all my problems. My family was all I had, my grandparents were the only people who truly cared for me, and now they don't. Sometimes I've felt that they don't care, but I always told myself that they do, that they have to to have raised me my whole life, and that they must care because the past couple years I've dealt with really bad depression and anxiety and they did everything they could to help me, so I told myself that they have to care to do that. And she has always told me that she loves me and cares about me and that she always will, that I'm her kid and nothing could make her stop loving and caring about me. But now she has said that she really doesn't, and that my grandfather doesn't either.
---
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a complete loss. No one cares about me, not even my grandparents, who I've called my mom and dad for so long, and who have always called themselves my parents. They don't care at all, they want me gone. They want me out of their life so bad that they want me to go back to my mother, who has been ruled unable to even be in the presence of a child, much less raise one.
I can't live like this. If I could leave, I would have left years ago. It would be better for me and for them; they have said for years that they want me gone, that they cannot wait until I am 18 and they can kick me out. I've said and thought so many times that I can't wait either.
But that's a few years away. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this, but I can't do anything about it either. I can't just move out. I can't go anywhere else, I have nowhere to go. I have no friends, and no family would take me in even if I wanted them to, because my grandparents hate me, so does the rest of the family; my grandparents, especially my grandmother, are like the leaders of the family, everyone agrees with everything they say. That's why I've always felt so helpless when I fight with her. I have no one who will back me up, I have no one who will care what I have to say. They all side with her, and believe every word she says, even when she bends the story to fit what she needs. I'll try to explain what actually happened, or my side of the fight, but they never even believe me, they usually won't even listen. She says I'm lying, so they all believe that I'm lying. And that is the one thing I am not and cannot stand to be called. I don't lie. I've been lied to so many times. And my mom is the biggest liar in the world, and I do anything to not be like her. I refuse to be anything like her, I hate her. And my grandmother knows very well that I hate her and will do anything to have nothing in common with her, and that is exactly why whenever she gets mad she accuses me of being just like my mom. Because I've made her well aware of how much I absolutely hate being called that.
---
Well, then yesterday my grandmother yelled at me from downstairs to come talk to her. She just started going on about how she can't wait till I'm 18 and I'm gone, and how she would really love if I just contacted my mother now, and that she will gladly sign over custody of me. Then she started saying yet again that I am the sole problem, she always acts like she never does anything wrong. What's funny is that she accuses me of acting like I'm perfect and turning everything around on her. I know very well that I can be extremely mean, and that I often come off as rude when I'm not trying to be, that I do have anger problems and get upset over things that seem like nothing to other people. Then she started pointing out that I'm the only person in the family that she does not get along with, besides my mom who is not even part of our family anymore. Well, I followed up with that I have never had problems with anyone else in the family besides her, either. We just have never seemed to get along, and I don't know why.
And then after that she started saying how I have an amazing life and that I have no reason to be unhappy and no reason to be rude sometimes. I'm sorry to say, but my life is not "amazing," I have had my share of problems just like everyone else has. Anyway, no matter how perfect your life may be, does not mean that people do not have the right to be upset over something. Everyone gets upset or angry sometimes, they're normal human emotions; you can't say that someone does not have to right to feel them.
She always puts my problems down as if they are nothing anymore, the past year or so she's been caring less and less it seems like... I guess it's not actually too much of a surprise that she doesn't care at all. When I was having really bad anxiety at school the last few months she didn't care, she told me to "just get over it," and that I'm "overreacting." I cannot help that I have anxiety, if I had control of that, I would not have it; same goes for absolutely anyone with any type of mental illness or anything. No one chooses to have them, no one wants to have them. They're not something that you "just get over." Hearing that from her made me really upset, because before she really did seem to care about me having it and wanted to do anything to help me, then she started getting tired of it. She just got sick and tired of my grades dropping from stress and depression when they used to be straight A's, she got tired of the school calling and saying I was in the office having a panic attack again. She got tired of me having to miss school every other week to go to the counselling that was required to get my medicine. She got tired of it and didn't want to deal with it anymore, and decided that it's my problem to deal with, not hers, so she isn't going to help anymore. And she told me to stop blaming so many problems on anxiety, depression, and all the traumatizing things from my parents. But that really is the source of most of my problems, I can't help that. I don't want them to affect me like they do, and I try not to let them, but that isn't always possible.
Plus there is of course a big problem that I can never talk to her about; being trans + gender dysphoria. My family, and especially my grandparents, are extremely transphobic. There's no telling how they would react or what they would do if they found out about it, so I've been dealing with that alone for the past 3 or so years as well.
---
I just really don't know anymore. I just really needed to say something, to feel like possibly someone will listen to me since no one here will. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what I can do anymore. I'm completely lost and feel helpless.
---
This is way longer than I expected, sorry. I doubt anyone will have even read this far, and if you have, sorry for wasting your time with my stupid problems. Not even people I know in real life, not even my own family, cares about me, why should people who don't even know me online?
---
Please, if you're going to just attack me or point out where I'm wrong, don't. That's already happened everywhere else I've tried to talk about anything. I know I've done stuff wrong, I know I'm not perfect. I get that I've messed up a lot.

[Chilis]

Ugh, I'm happy I got my expander on, but I can't eat. I mean I can drink, but I'm trying to eat some pita bred+hummus, and I can't even eat small bites. I know it's temporary and I know the "Oh re-train your brain to eat with it in, it's easy" but I'm just really mad that I can't. Since the 2 teeth they put the expanders (2 each side) hurt bad right now. Can't even swallow a pillow to make it stop. pain is at like a 7/10 right now. Also kinda mad since I lost this kalon contest that I really wanted to win, or at least get a HM on, sorry- rant over. u.u I don't mean to be a crybaby and stuff but I just kinda feel bleh as of right now.