TheComfortCorner | V.9

[bean the umbreon]

i am such an abomination
introverted extrovert
sun sign leo but moon sign scorpio
has social anxiety
"happy" at day, depressed at night
is good but is bad, is lucky but very unlucky, is lazy but is hardworking (if anyone could understand that )
lost, confused and stressed (oh noes i have an important assignment on Monday and I havent even started it yet)

[hiero]

feels a little funny but not out of character for me to be making this post but I guess I dont really know where else I would do it which will be obvious by the end of this probably and god is it embarrassing-no, I'M embarrassing. and I dont just say that to belittle myself. I have no opinion towards myself other than that I think I exist. what I state is just what I have observed of myself and how I think I feel about it (emphasis on the think)

It's not uncommon to be lonely at all. I'm willing to bet whoever is reading to this point right now has probably felt really lonely sometime recently for whatever reason, and I hope that you're making it through or have powered past that somehow. I wouldn't say I'm lonely... more of the opposite. I am happy. I am loved. I am understood and cherished. My issue is confusion, doubt, and trying to break out of denial and repression that I've kept up for years until I understood what it meant to be known and appreciated for being able to be perceived.

The first sign and step to me that I noticed something off about myself has to do with my sexuality; fear, loneliness, and internalized homophobia kept me locked into calling myself bisexual and restraining myself to only vague descriptors of my identity because so-and-so said that that was excessive and unnecessary, that I should care more about inconveniencing others with having to listen to my explanations or make a google search, and I had nobody close for years, so I listened! Yes, strangers' opinions really impacted me. They mattered to me. Everyone was a potential companion until they proved themselves to be irredeemably heinous. But that's somewhat besides the point. I never felt like I could connect with myself because I was not identifying as myself for so long. That's a good lead into my next thing, I think.

I never really noticed my emotive capacity. It wasn't something I cared about or paid much attention to. I called myself sad sometimes, had a couple spells maybe, but in general I've been kind of shut up for the past eight or so years. I thought about this one for a lot of time in the shower last night about 5 AM. I don't cry anymore because I've always told myself it wasn't worth it, that there's no point in crying, and even that I was pathetic for even allowing the thought to cross my mind. I look back now and can see where this probably stemmed from and it leaves me feeling emptier than before. It makes me want to cry even less, if only to prove a point. But my heart has been stolen, not necessarily romantically. It's been stolen in that where once it stood imprisoned and arguably stone cold, the pedestal is vacant and my eyes are alive. I feel like I can see again. It is nice to be loved and to be reminded that feeling is not a crime.

And while I lack still much response, I know I still feel because I still ache. I am happy. I smile a lot, I laugh a lot, I make other people laugh a lot. I go about my life knowing I have a place now, knowing that I do have somewhere to come home to. For eight years, saying I love you has been a rarity for me. I can say it broadly: I love you to all of my fellow confused folk, I love you to all of my wonderful friends, I love you to the world for its earthly treasures that inspire my heart and mind to make use of themselves... but I can't look someone in the eyes and say it. I look back and see when I stopped having that ability, and I understand. I get it now. I get a lot of things now. These are emotions I have been burying for almost a decade. These are things I have decided to try and get rid of instead of comprehend. I am happy with who I am, but I know it is not healthy. I need to be willing to trust someone wholly. That is what I need. I simply want to be able to tell those that I love that I love them full of the heart and intense sincerity that those words carry coming from someone like me, who loves subtly, gently, quietly, by trying to make the rough toss of the waves of life a little smoother. Being a sort of life ring is rewarding a lot of the time, but I know it can be hard for other people to appreciate that when they never hear me vocalize my feelings. And I don't blame them. I like to hear that I'm appreciated too.

Despite all that, I am doing better. I am learning to let people look at my heart head on, whether that is out of a desperate need to keep myself far away from the loneliness I encased myself in for years or not is irrelevant, I think. I've been opening up more. I don't know if anyone but me can see it, but I can. I can't wait for the day that I can send things like this to someone I trust instead of to a crowd of strangers. I guess I also throw it in a public forum like this in the hopes that perhaps someone I am close to will happen upon it sometime, read it, and have some insight. I want to be known, and yet I am incredibly terrified to make myself known. To my amazing companions: I am apologise sincerely for my cowardice in not approaching one of you about this. Perhaps I will sometime soon. I hope so. There are so many words in my heart for all of you. Think of this less like me standing at a window peering in longingly and more like delivering a letter to the wrong mailbox. Hopefully the recipient will realise the address noted is not theirs. Hopefully I will make it home.

I've been mulling over these thoughts for a couple days now, and it's nice to finally get them out somewhere even if I will not really be getting what I want from it. I know what I really need, and I don't have that at the moment and that's okay. What would be the fun in life if I always had what I needed to be happy right in front of me? This is rhetorical, really. That's all very subjective. But it's how I feel.

[halo7]

im so scared. Go away i don't like u

[Brainiac5]

We are not infallible.
I know you think you are.
You think you know what my beliefs are, what I think is right, based on what?
Two characters whose names I wrote side by side?

Isn’t it wild how people think they know you and what you stand for based on something you wrote on the internet?
I’m tired of this.
Being hated and called horrible things, being accused of actual crimes.
Over a ship.
A ship.

Yeah, I like to come here and cry out about this because I think it’s unfair but it seems like the consensus is that I’m on the wrong side of this fight well let me tell you something.
I don’t think we should hurt each other.
I don’t think anyone should stay in a relationship that hurts them.
So if you think you know me based on my ships?
You want to try and *educate* me?
Just don’t.

[Guest]

I rescued a dog yesterday and god has it been stressful. I've been bitten multiple times by this dog and once by another one so I need to take rabies shots until my birthday (and I'm terrified of needles). At least we managed to reunite the dog with her family today, but that was a horrible experience overall and I'm glad it's over
Well, not really over since I'll need to take the shots for quite a while. I know I should be feeling great about the fact that I saved her from being run over by a car and got her back to her family, but I'm in pain, have multiple wounds and feel very, very tired and stressed. My other rescues have been a lot easier so I wasn't expecting this at all, specially from an elderly dog that was clearly someone's pet. That girl can fight for her life, that's for sure. And wants everything her way or you will be bitten. I'm so glad this is over. I'm not bringing home any dogs anytime soon ._.
I mean, I'm glad I did it, I can't imagine how horrible things would have gotten if nobody grabbed her, but I'm still feeling very defeated and sad.

[Rye_]

Just two days ago I had a relatively good day, I was in a good/decent mood for the first time in months. Then around 8pm it got even better and I was happy, but like a weird anxious happy where I danced around with the desperate need to be doing something (I cleaned the kitchen) or else I’d break down. That increased consistently for an hour, growing more anxioushappy then I got really sad and coped poorly, realized it wasn’t the healthiest way to cope, had what was probably a short panic attack, then was back to a slightly anxious happy mood, dancing in the shower while sad too. It was really really weird, I haven’t ever had mood swings(?) that strongly and it was kinda scary.
Then the next day was a slower, less intense version drawn out. A dread anxious rather than a need to move type anxious if that makes any sense.
Today was fine, a normal day.

[Spearow]

been in a pretty sour mood last couple days because a lot of personal stuff. mostly work related, relationship related, and family related. kinda feel like i'm gonna freak out. feelin like crap tonight and i'm off work. can feel myself getting more and more anxious. i'm tired and restless. and hurt - my wisdom tooth extraction site is abscessed because the people that did it were dumb and didn't use anything to close it. so i'm on antibiotics which make me sick. can't eat anything. deep breaths hurt, sneezing is a nightmare, talking hurts. everything hurts. fantastic ^^

i'm glad to have the night off but when i don't have something i'm supposed to be doing i get really stressed

[Guest]

I was really close friends with this girl in elementary school, and we got cut off in middle school because we didn't have classes with each other. We became close again my freshman year of high school and we had Spanish class together and she was always my table partner.
She passed on Friday in a crash, she was not the driver, I am really upset, it's just one thing after another. We didn't get an email from the school until today and my mom told me while I was at work, I recognised the first name and was hoping the last name wasn't hers, but it was.

[onion]

i must not be good enough

[⭐MARS]

i started taking interest in my current fandom, feeling the joy of being apart of something once more.
but now, all it does is make me sad and feel so left out. it hurts because i love this fandom so much
but i just wanna cry about it. i don't want to directly tell my friends because i know they won't
understand what's happening right now. something so minor shouldn't be bothering me like this,
but i just can't get over it. i miss feeling like i could talk freely about my interests.