TheComfortCorner | V.10

[pwup]

i want to break up with my boyfriend, but i dont really know how. ive been spending my days alone recently because of problems in our relationship, and now i realize how stressful he is. i realized how i love not having to constantly worry about how to handle his emotions. i realized a lot. i just don't know how to put it into words without sounding awful. just the idea of being around him makes me dread living. being around him feels like a chore. im so tired of constantly being put down and hurt/ im just so tired and being alone felt so nice. i spoke to our mutual friend and he's been so great and kind. its such a great change to have a friend.

[stillstarlost]

so, it was my birthday today (the 27th), and i feel like i make one of these every year, but it's always a negative day for me somehow. i've been on nighshifts and sleeping rough regardless of that due to my insomnia and depression battling for who can take the top spot in how little sleep i get, so i end up sleeping long hours through the day then up through the night into the day. i prefer it that way, honestly, im alone more. but lately my alone time has grown less and less, and its starting to really get to me. thats besides the point though. my father gets up the morning of my birthday and convinces me to not sleep all day, to stay up and people will come over and hang out and we'll have a good time. i had already made totally different plans, to open gifts i bought for myself since no one bought me anything, watch some of my favorite stuff and hang out with my boyfriend who actually cares. i let my father convince me otherwise. horrible mistake, lmao. i know not to trust his word, but something deep inside me, an expectant little girl waiting for a fun birthday accepted his offer. i went to try to nap seeing as it was 8 am, but i couldnt get more than an hours sleep. woke up exhausted but excited. went downstairs and no one was here and who was here was half asleep half not really doing anything. so i was like um, hey, i thought we were doing stuff for my birthday...and instantly got argued with, my father telling me he never said that, and im putting words in his mouth, making me look like the fool. a fool all dressed up and face painted. i was deeply upset but i was already awake, i didnt really know what to do. they already ate without me and everything lol. i tried to salavage it but time just drug on and on. i finally gave up and had a call with some new friends i made, and it made the day much brighter regardless of it being brief since after an hour i was berated to get off since i ""whined about no one being here so much."" they put in some half hearted effort at 10pm when they decided to show up despite me waiting around all day for a little then they all went home. i was too tired at that point to do much, so i just tried to nap again, my boyfriend promising he'd be there when i woke up after only an hours nap, i was just too tired to even enjoy anything. i was looking forward to at least being able to salvage it with him. another broken hour. woke up and he didn't come around. didnt get to enjoy one single moment of my actual birthday. barely even had the energy to eat. had i just been allowed to enjoy my plans the way i had them, i wouldve been fine. my fault for trusting, i think. im just..really dissapointed. i just want once to matter on a day that is meant for me to matter. im going to go sleep for ten hours lol im so, so tired, and try a redo tomorrow. it wont be my actual birthday, and that makes me a little sad, but id rather it happen late than never. i just want once for my actual birthday to be a good day, not spent in tears or so tired i dont even have the energy to eat something.]

[Dabney]

losing my only friend and there's nothing I can do about it. they've been saying "I don't want to talk to anybody except my partner right now" for weeks now. I get not feeling social but they know they're the only person I talk to and I get the feeling they're just saying that so they don't have to talk to me either (not like they've talked to me lately either, other than telling me to leave them alone). what does one even do in this situation? my social anxiety just gets worse and worse every day and I've been trying to get out of my shell more but no matter what I do it just won't work. why can't somebody just tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it? all I want is a friend

[Gritizens]

It's been a week and a half. A long and really bad week and a half. I don't know what to do anymore, I've just been waiting and waiting and waiting. I guess I can just keep waiting. I made a promise and I intend to keep that promise because I hate breaking them but leaving has been really tempting. I'm starting to lose my mind I guess. Other headmates are trying to be supportive but all I want to do is cry.

[spiral staircase]

I’m so incredibly angry to the point I’m numb. Dreading the time I have to return to help work for my relative. She said some very hurtful and ableist things in such an off handed way one day that trigger me badly.
I feel stuck. This job is draining me mentally so much. I’ve been wanting to get support for my mental health for years and ironically this is making me push off it more since I feel like I’m overreacting and making it up.

I’m tired of her “poor me” attitude. At least my brother can see through her crap also. Scared of returning but I don’t even know where else I would be able to work outside of it. I’m just so tired. I’m terrified that I’ve drug myself into further living with her.

[Serious.]

[No responses, please!]

Having a family member (father) who's dealing with the Big C is. Not fun to say the least.

It can never be consistently good apparently. It's a cycle of things getting mildly better, foolishly hoping that it'll stay better even though you know that's just a wish, and being proven once again that it's stupid to believe happy things because it gets so very bad all at once. Now it becomes the new normal to go "yeah last week he was extremely ill and could barely leave his bed and now he's walking around just fine, just another month of the year!"

I think I developed a new trigger whenever I hear him coughing because I remember the days where I lied in bed and heard his weak, sickly coughs and feared that I was going to wake up to bad news :(

Ugh I'm done thinking about this. I'm going to bed now.

[kotak]

don't you let me get ill
cause you know that i will
my pain loves the company

life only kills you when you let it
my life's tryna kill me
and i let it

conor mason devoured with that one because yeaaaaaaaaaaa
things were getting so good
i was getting so good
i'm so ashamed of how badly i'm struggling right now
and i'm so scared that it's this that's going to last
not the progress i made that felt like magic
i can't go back to this after seeing i could be so much ... more

and it is so lonely
and i'm so tired of being alone when things get this hard
it doesn't feel like strength anymore
i love the idea of safe containment i wish it was real
or an understanding hug
i miss being off my head at some club and i miss the love


oh also it's getting so bad that i just showed up to work 3 hours early
i genuinely had no idea
i feel so lost dude
i wish my friends checked in
or anyone who knows me who isn't trying to physically pursue me
it burns through me
i just want to land somewhere safe
not have to go through this on my own
and there's many options for new connections to emerge
new challenges to face and achievments to conquer
but i'm suddenly in so much pain inside that i feel like a knee skinned raw
there's no trust, it's too early and the people i do trust just don't care like that
i can't take it but i go above and beyond to
not a day where i'm not juggling the stimulation and suppression of my central nervous system
but it's so inglorious and so not worth it and what good is a call for help when you're of no use to other people
what's a downfall when all you're met with is passive observation
oh god

i see particles of myself in the people i admire the most
and how far i am from being anywhere like them hurts so bad it makes my chest swell up

the anniversary of his death is coming up