by 67Phlox » Wed May 15, 2024 6:59 am
TW: overall negativity, whining
I've been wondering is it too late for me or had I not tried hard enough to socialize.
Pity party here, but I do feel like a burden whenever I start a conversation.
And think about it, would you really like talking to somebody who types like this? Who keeps refering to themselves because they have a hard time forming interesting sentences? Who is so lost in the social sphere they don't even say anything unless spoken to directly?
I just really needed to get this off my chest. But me being aware this won't necessarily better my mood / strain somebody's eyes from seeing this post doesn't help. I really am a whiny hypocrite, aren't I? So egocentric. It's always like this. I never get better. Nothing ever productive comes from this, yet I keep doing it. Still in my emotional teen phase, I guess. I hope I grow out of it like everybody's been telling me.
Speaking of whining, I actually reached out to mom about this. She was very understanding and seemed supportive. Yet when I walked away, I heard her voice "Stop whining about nothing" (rough translation). I... am debating if it was real. It seemed like something I would say to myself in my head. Is it really getting that bad? Or, I may be just exaggerating. I mean, it had happened before + an another recent time... I don't want to end up getting diagnosed with munchhausen syndrome or anything of that sort, so I'll just wait it out. It may be just in my head.
If anybody's reading through this, please don't feel the need to contact me. Even though me saying this might be alluding to me wanting to be contacted, which would be appreciated, don't force yourself to feel pity for me. Though I'm not in the position to demand you of anything. I'm lonely and that's okay. There's a reason why I don't have many people online + offline to talk to. I just keep being antisocial, it's my problem. Don't force yourself to contact me, I don't want to hurt you.
I can't wait for my scheduled meeting w/ the psychiatrist.