Well, haven't been here in awhile. I don't even feel like trying to catch up. Actually, I'm losing interest in horses more and more each day and I HATE it. It's all Darla's fault. Bronson's fault. Rez's fault. Darla for just being herself and unfair and a whole bunch more that I can't even say because it would end with me being banned. Bronson for being so perfect and then leaving and for his owner just being un contactable and gone and for Darla not telling me where he went even though she know. Rez for just being the horse to show me how BAD of a rider I really am and for being a horse that I'll never be able to ride. I haven't ridden since August 28th and that was on Billings and I did TERRIBLE. Before that was Rez and I wanted him to be like Bronson but he just
wasn't and I couldn't get him to listen so I just gave up. I just... I don't know. Everywhere I look I see pictures of Merlin and Henry- the picture of me cantering him bareback is still my profile picture on Facebook because I just don't know what to change it to and I don't look half bad (I think. Maybe I'm wrong?) (pretty picture because I'm depressing)
every time I turn on my computer or my phone I see Bronson and I KNOW I can't change that. Every time I say I'm going to find him and I don't it just pushed my even farther from Rez, and when I am with Rez, all I can think about is how I'm betraying Bronson.
My friend doesn't understand, since she's still on Darla's good side, and Darla and turn her against me so easily. I still want to be friends with her, but it's hard, because when she's up, she's riding Merlin. I could just sit at her house until she gets back, I practically live at her house, but she's always going to try and get me to ride and she doesn't want to listen to why I just can't. And I don't want her to feel guilty about riding while I'm alone at her house because it's not her fault. It's Darla's. But yet I want her to feel bad. So that maybe she can realize what it's been like. But until then she'll just get mad at me for quitting because she just doesn't want to take the time to care. No one does. It's just so frustrating not being able to do anything about it. And now some people (teachers in the special ed department) are asking me about my riding because apparently the two kids who are riding with Darla now have mentioned me. Now I make sure to say how bad of a place it really is, how unfairly I was treated, especially once those two showed up. I probably shouldn't talk bad about it, but I just HAVE to. I've counted it out and I've spent over 600 hours there in the past three years. That's a lot.
And then there's you guys, getting to lease the horses you love and not having to worry about never being able to see them the next day because their owners HATE your guts and could care less if you died. I'm not mad or jealous or anything, and I'm not saying that you have it easy, but right now it's just not fair. Not to me. I put my heart into everything and I lost it all- I can't even see those horses again. It's like losing 40 of my best friends because on person hates me.
So, until I have certain news on something, I won't be posting here anymore, won't even check it. It's not that I don't like horses anymore, it's just that I can't do it without Bronson. So I guess (on the rare chance that someone feels the need to respond to this) PM me. I'm not leaving entirely. I just won't be showing up here. I can't do it. And it sucks.
I just want Bronson back.
