{It burns my eyes! Sorry it's rather ugly, I just don't have the time to edit it right now...}
Username: &&wallflower
Favorite type of RP: I like nearly all types except for roleplays that are too stereotypical.
Roleplay sample: (Note: Eva has bipolar disorder II [aka manic depression] and the persecution syndrome [aka paranoia].
Note 2: This is from a roleplay on another site, I joined a similar roleplay on this site and have similar posts but this post is from another roleplay, in another site. Just wanted to get that cleared up ;3)
Eva felt like she was watching the trees, bushes, and occasional flowers slip by all over again, her face not showing even a trace of emotion. Even though her eyes were on the scenery that flashed quickly by, her mind was elsewhere. It was on the house she had just left behind, on the faces of her twin sister, Johanne, and her mother. Her father had been to drunk to come out of his room, too drunk to come say goodbye to his daughter. Honestly, she didn't blame him. She knew she shouldn't be remembering it, but a voice inside her head defied her common sense and she played it over and over again in mind. The night before, at dinner, the tension in the room had been heavy, and it had filled the room and contaminated the air. They could all feel it, the awkwardness that was all around them, filling their lungs with tension and whispering in their ears. They were very subtle whispers, very quiet, almost inaudible, but Eva could hear them clearly. They revealed the words left unsaid as well as the thoughts that were yet to surface. Even the spoken words, polite little small talk, such as "Beautiful weather today, wasn't it?" or "Mother, this soup is divine!" that only served to cover up their own guilt in the part they had played. They were trying to fool her by pretending it was all quite normal, all quite alright, and that they didn't have any second thoughts. Or, better yet, they were trying to fool themselves. Eva knew it was because of her, her mother and sister wanted to see how she would react. They expected her to show some sign of sadness, maybe even anger. They expected her to speak her mind, show her resentfulness. She didn't. Eva had acted coldly throughout the evening and her demeanor, though polite, had been stiff. Her face had betrayed no emotion, had conveyed no sorrow or regret at leaving. Nearly everything had been as if nothing was going to happen the next morning. The lack of her usual graceful manner was the only thing that had showed something was amiss. Eva's unusual stiffness and the lack of conversation, for she had replied only when spoken to and had done nothing to ease the flow of conversation, were the result of her pride. After years of being treated for bipolarity and paranoia, acting indifferently had become her instinct, her way of defending herself. So she had tried not to show how hurt she felt that her family, her own kin, was sending her off to a loony bin as if she was just some mentally unhinged girl. It was if, the next morning, she would suddenly stop being her parents' daughter and her sister's twin. All through the night Eva had been like a balloon almost to bursting. "I'm still myself," she longed to scream, "and I am perfectly fine!" But she never did. Instead, she had acted callously and aloofly throughout the brief dinner and had asked to be excused as soon as she had finished eating. Her father had been missing from the meal and she knew perfectly well why, he had gone off to bury his grief in drink. Sitting alone in her room, Eva had longed to do the same. The darkness had been embracing, welcoming, telling her that it was okay to cry now that there was no one else around her. So she cried at last, bitter tears that spoke of regret and anguish. That night, not for the first time, Eva had wished she was someone else, anyone accept for herself. That was the way she often felt, wondering why she had been chosen to live a life where she would be treated like a loon forever.
Shaking her head slightly as if to rid herself of these memories, she turned herself away from the window, tearing her eyes from the scenery. She was used to controlling her emotions and willing herself not to think of things, it was the only way she managed not to burst out crying. It was the only method she had perfected so that she was able to keep her features unchanged and her manner cold and disciplined. Instead of staring out the window, she now looked at the back of her uncle's head, willing herself to think of nothing but his baldness and what he would look like in a couple of years. For the first hour of the "road trip", as her uncle had cheerfully called it, he had tried to keep the conversation going, asking her about her favorite songs and games. In general, he had talked of nearly everything except where they were going and why they were going there. Not interested in talking, Eva had been very vague and brief in her replies and the talk had died down into the silence that now reigned. Honestly, she preferred it to the idle chit-chat her uncle had been making. He had made several attempts to re-kindle the conversation but they had all turned into one-sided conversations. Eva wanted to ask him why they were sending her away to a loony bin and why her mother and father had not driven her there personally. However, she didn't. She knew the answer to her question and as she thought about it, she could feel the tears she was crying in her soul. They didn't care, they thought she was mentally unhinged, not normal, and they had wanted to get rid of her. Eva also knew that if she asked her uncle her questions he wouldn't know how to answer, he was honestly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and it would reveal that she actually cared about where she was going. As these thoughts quickly sped through her mind, she noticed her uncle had stopped and parked the car. This is as far as I can go, he said, See ya later, Milla! Her uncle said the words in a fake-cheerful tone that infuriated her, like he thought she didn't know they were abandoning her! The fact that he used his special nickname for her, derived from her middle name Camille, made her feel rather like he was betraying her, by leaving her there. However, she oppressed these thoughts and said none of what she thought, something she was used to doing. It was as if the person she was when she spoke was someone completely different from the person she really was. The girl who was so polite and who thanked her uncle so warmly for driving her there was normal, the real Eva wasn't. Eva got out of the car and pulled her trunk from the front seat of the car, closing the door. It made a slamming sound, Bam! The door to her past had just closed and it was not likely to open ever again.
Eva walked into the building, only stopping once to wave to her uncle, but he had already left. She stared at the car that was quickly becoming a small dot on the horizon. That was her past, driving away, and her family abandoning her. Now, she had already arrived. It felt like ages since the awkward dinner she had shared with her sister and mother during her last night at home. Thinking about it again, Eva felt oddly nervous at coming there but most of all, she felt mad at her family for sending her to a loony bin. She was not mentally unhinged. She was just a little strange, but wasn't everyone like that? Eva had no idea why they weren't sending her father along with her for the ride. He was an alcoholic, hence, he had a problem. A slightly different type of problem but still a problem nonetheless. As she thought about the who had always been especially close with her, had agreed to sending her there to that prison, to that hospital. Eva shook her head at these sad, painful thoughts, trying to hide the truth behind them, and she slowly brought herself back to her present situation. It was no use re-living what had happened that morning just as it was no use re-living what had happened last night at dinner. She focused her gaze on the chair she was sitting at, trying to discover if it was a coffee stain or a tea stain she was looking at. Now that she was no longer replaying what had happened, her manner was composed and disciplined. That's what she was used to doing, hiding behind a face she hardly knew yet everyone said it was her own.
Looking away from the stain and around for a moment, she noticed there were only two other people in the room. Not knowing what to do, she sat there, awkwardly, with her back straight and her hazel-golden eyes wandering over the room, lost in her thoughts. Almost ten minutes had already passed and now she had determined the hideous stain was most definitely a coffee stain for, back in the house she used to call home, there was a similar chair with a similar stain, a coffee stain. She stared at the stain for a while because she didn't want to look at the people who were gradually filling up the room, as more and more of them entered; people who seemed broken, some even more than she. She tried not to stare at them but her gaze kept flickering up, she saw some girls who were so thin it looked like they could snap at any moment, and some who had marks of self-harm or suicide attempts on their wrists. She felt horrified and repulsed at this but none of it showed on her face, it remained as distant and composed as ever. After a few minutes passed, she grew conscious of being stared at. Everyone seemed to be looking around, looking at one another and the tension that made the air heavy, heavy with unspoken words and questions, was making Eva uncomfortable. Inside she felt trapped, unable to leave that place, stuck in there like a prisoner. In a way, she was a prisoner; all these other young persons in the room were also hostages, held by their disorders, their vices, their habits. She remembered what her mother had said the day before, when she had broken the news to her, You’re going to get better, that’s what you’re going there for, her whole face had been careworn and her eyes had held emotion but it wasn't the usual emotion of a woman parting with her child, it was look of relief, Now, Évelyne, we don’t want you to feel like you are being... abandoned, no, someday we will come to get you, maybe we will even visit you. This is all for your well being, ma chére. Eva had been shocked, she had been repulsed at the idea that her family could just leave her like that, like she had never mattered to them. However, instead of protesting, she just nodded. In her head, she fought her mother’s decision. She had turned around, trying to contain the awful sadness she felt, because she knew no matter what her mother said or did, she was being abandoned, abandoned by the only people she cared for. Eva had walked out of her mother’s sight calmly but in her room, she had held herself tightly, curling into a tiny ball. No tears had come out of her tightly shut eyes for a while but at last, she began to sob. Broken, muffled sobs that she couldn't help but try to contain. She had wept because she knew she was going to be left there to rot. The doctor had said that there was no way she could be cured of bipolar disorder and what her mother had said, it was all just a lie so she would feel less guilty about sending her daughter off to a prison.
Eva blinked rapidly a few times, trying to dismiss the thought from her mind, trying to stop with all the melancholy memories that were coming back to her. She tried to convince herself that she didn’t care, that she was better off without her family, without anyone she cared about. She acted like she didn’t mind and maybe she really did managed to convince herself that she did not really love her family but deep inside, she really did. She cared more than she had ever let herself see. Realizing that several people were still looking at her, she felt like she was being hunted and that one of those folks who were looking at her was looking to kill her. Feeling rather scared of being murdered or hurt, her eyes widened slightly and she left the room as swiftly as she could. She picked up her suitcase and walked towards the door, looking over her shoulder several times and opened the door without much effort. Putting an arm around herself and not realizing her face showed how scared, how terrified, she looked. Eva could feel they were looking at her with malicious glances and even meaner intentions. She was petrified, afraid to leave because she didn't know who awaited her out there and afraid to stay in there. Everywhere she turned there seemed to be someone looking at her. She felt like they were all planning to kill her and jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She screamed, a loud and shrill scream that pierced the air and turned all the eyes onto her. "Please! Don't murder me!" She whispered to the person who had put a hand on her shoulder, as she turned around. The person she had mistaken for an attacker was actually a boy who looked rather harmless with evident marks of self-harm. Now, thanks to her scream, he also looked confused and rather sorry for her. Blinking rapidly several times and taking a deep breath to calm herself and to stop shaking, Eva said something in rapid French, before realizing that he didn't speak her language. Sighing, she said the same thing again, "My apologies, I suppose I, umm... mistook you for someone else." She averted his eyes and started to move away.
Any semi-lit/lit RPs you have: I have none.