[troblsomtwins829]

...What bout my sig? the egg? Choco? what?

[Wanheda.]

Kiara

[troblsomtwins829]

Kiara???

[Wanheda.]

Follow Kiara in "The soul eater's family" the banner in the right half of siggy

[troblsomtwins829]

Ooooooo~~~ me likey!

[Wanheda.]

lol you already read the beggining

[troblsomtwins829]

yeah. It could use a bit more drama to it, I would recommend saving for when she got revenge for her parents and stole the she-shade's soul for about halfway through chapter two, build up the suspense a bit by having the shade show some kindness and giving the pup some food or something. but otherwise, very nice

[Wanheda.]

this is only the beginning ive got a lot more drama coming..heh heh

[troblsomtwins829]

even then, could use a bit more. And the opening could use to more or less, draw in the reader so we want to find out who this young wolf is, and what's going on. Here's an example from the first chapter of my story. (First paragraph) you can use it as sort of a guide.

I was just lying there, dark red blood oozing slowly from my wound. My whole body was throb, throb, throbbing; it felt as though I had entered my own heart, and it bet across me, my fingers, my toes, my growing tailbone and wings…the pain was so intense. I knew at that point, this is the day I’m going to die. I just lye there, waiting, waiting for what happens to everyone before they die to happen to me; I was waiting for ‘my life to flash before my eyes.’ I tried to look down, to see what was causing this wretched bloodlust; but I couldn’t see it, my eyes were clouded with blood, black blood. Though I could not see, I could feel, I was clutching onto whatever it was jabbing into my stomach. It was a blade, but it felt more like cloth. A shadow blade. I heard someone call my name, someone I know, a friend I think; I couldn’t tell, my vision started to blur, and fade to black; as though I were simply falling asleep.

[Wanheda.]

they couldnt know who she was because she didnt have a name. or so much of a personality yet.. i mean 5 days old