i'm very gay, i'd like a few dollars

[zhongluc]

TWO things to look forward to

[zhongluc]

THREE things to look forward to!!!! what is this

[zhongluc]

i’ve spent too long not letting myself feel certain emotions because i don’t want to hurt other people, but i’m not hurting anyone by feeling things, so what was the point of that? i just bottled everything up for a year and a half and then pretended that that wasn’t what i was doing. and besides, the negative emotions i feel are valid and i have reasons for feeling them. so, i’m going to let myself feel hurt and angry again, because i’m tired of ignoring them in order to protect someone else’s feelings. even though they can’t feel what i feel, and i’m certainly not going to tell them what i’m feeling. i’m just going to feel it. and what’s the harm in that?

[zhongluc]

i’m such a hypocrite! i constantly encourage my friends not to bottle their feelings up; to let them out so they don’t fester and grow and then lash out against their will, yet here i am doing what i say not to do. i don’t practice what i preach. i don’t listen to any of my own advice! how anyone genuinely believes and listens to me is incredible. i don’t even believe myself most of the time. i clearly don’t listen to myself, either.
speaking of not listening to myself; i seem to also have misunderstood myself. last year i tried not making self deprecating jokes and such because i thought they were contributing to my low opinion of myself (which i still think is true and i would tell anyone to stop doing that) but i took it too far and pushed away any negative thought about myself, in order to be more positive and self confident. but that did not work! it’s like, lately i’ve been feeling every bad emotion i didn’t let myself feel all of last year. and it’s a lot to dump on one person! i can barely deal with it all. i’m losing my point, i’ve lost my point. if anyone’s reading this, i hope you get my point

[zhongluc]

chickensmoothie at 3 am is a weird place to go to talk about these things, but here i am, like always. i talk about wanting to let myself feel things again but lately, it’s like i’ve been turning my emotions on and off. some days i don’t care about anything. it wouldn’t matter if i was deep in the forest alone or in the middle of the crowd at a concert; nobody and nothing else exists but me. and that’s not me being self centred. i just don’t feel anything. but then my emotions turn back on and i feel silly because i feel thing so strongly. what is this? whatever it is, it’s pretty weird.

i miss gray and i miss abbie

[zhongluc]

staying up until 4 am is always a bad choice and i regret doing it, every time

[zhongluc]

oh my god. i want to treasure this story, these two books, forever. i’m totally blown away, i’m completely in love! incredible, amazing, wonderful!

[zhongluc]

my parents really changed the netflix password

[zhongluc]

COMPLETED! i love being a MASTER of PRODUCTIVITY! nothing can keep me down!

[zhongluc]

im CRYING