- I don’t rant or vent anymore. I just don’t. But, I get my emotions out through stupid little sketches and drawings and I post them publicly because it makes me feel more heard I guess. Keeping them private doesn’t have the same effect as posting it out so people can see how I feel in a way, even though no one is ever going to understand a little sketch with a vague title that’s most likely some stupid song lyric I heard but forgot what it belongs to. But sometimes I feel the need to just let it out. I want to talk. I want to scream. I want to let all my pent up emotions out from the past 6 months. But I can’t.
I have friends that say they’ll always be here for me, I can talk to them whenever I need to. Said friends just come and go. Who cares. No one is permanent. Nothing is permanent. Everything will come to an end and every promise ever made will break. Those friends will talk about you behind your back, gossip about, suddenly have issues with everything you did that were perfectly fine before, it doesn’t matter. It’s just how it goes.
There is no one I feel I can fully trust and talk to and just let all my emotions out. I mean, I have friends. A few. I have a lot of people I hang around. Yeah I talk to them about things, I tell them about me and my life story and my trauma over time. But I don’t vent and actually say how I feel or talk about my emotions. It’s always just I’m okay or I’m just existing. I’m just the chill funny friend that’s there to give advice and vent to or that’s there to get your mind off things. That’s all I am. For most of them I’m there when they need me and once they’re done, they leave. I mean, I’m guilty of doing the same thing without even realizing it. But when it comes down to 3 people trying to call you at once, 12 therapy sessions in a day, and at least 2 people a week saying they’re in love with me because they’ve never had someone care as much as I do.. it takes a huge toll.
I’ve been away from home for the past week for my nephews hockey tournament. I haven’t picked up any calls or let anyone vent to me since I’ve been gone. I’ll be at my grandparents house for today cleaning and doing housework since my grandma is in the hospital with a broken spine. Then I’ll be back home on Tuesday. The past 6 days only 2 people have reached out to me asking if I was okay. Only two. And I’m not trying to be dramatic here but when I get 3 ‘I need to vent’ messages, a few calls, then an ‘are you ok I need you’ I don’t count that. They’re only asking because I wasn’t answering. I have 2 people genuinely reach out on their own without expecting anything is return.
I’m just exhausted. I’ve dealt with too many fall outs the past few months. I’ve had a friend and a family member recently pass. I had to deal with legal issues with an ex. I had to deal with medication withdrawals and I’m just now getting medicated again. I’ve moved twice within four months. And I lost my job due to being ‘mentally unstable’ without a solid diagnosis. And now that I’ve got one no place wants to hire me. Because of it. I’m so tired. I’m so so tired and the side effects of my medication are killing me. I slept all day except for my nephews hockey game. I can’t sleep at all right now. I haven’t been able to eat in two days. I’m so exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do.
I don’t want to bother anyone with my issues, this wasn’t even a whole vent or anything this just me trying to map out what’s going on and it didn’t help me at all. I want to talk. I want to scream until my throat is raw. All I can do is clench my teeth and pretend like my issues are minimal and help everyone else. I don’t want anyone else to feel like I’m using them when I talk, so I’d rather just wire my mouth shut and only pry it open when I know it is helping someone else.
I just don’t know how much more of this I can take before I crash. I’m already at rock bottom, but clearly there’s more ways down since I’m still sinking. I feel alone despite being surrounded. I have those two pairs on hands reaching out to me but my mind tells me they’re going to be just like everyone else. They’re either going to hurt me or I’m going to self sabotage and push them away until they give up on me. Either they hurt me or I get rid of them before they can. And I realize I’m doing it but I can’t stop it and I don’t know why, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I’m so sick and tired of fighting it all. I just want to lay down and rest. But no amount of resting will ever be enough.
