[Silver Pandorica]

Hey guys! There's a lot of things I need to get off
my chest, but I don't have anyone to talk to about
it. I don't think anyone will see this, and I'm
going to put the text in transparent for anyone
that doesn't want to read it. I just really need
to get it down somewhere.

I am so tired of feeling so lonely and useless. I'm absolutely sick of it. Nearly every good friendship I've had has been screwed up in some way. I moved to a new state in second grade and lost all my friends. The best friend I ever had (third and fourth grade) moved across the country and we lost touch. After fifth grade, I switched schools, losing some good friends in the process. A really good friend of mine suddenly got distant and found a new group of friends and quit talking to me. The same year, I had a really awkward friendship with a person that put a lot of pressure on me. I made two friends (twins) that year that are the sweetest people on the planet that I am still friends with to this day. However, they are so sheltered, that I can't talk to them about anything. By the end of seventh grade I'd developed severe anxiety, OCD, been to therapy, and also been diagnosed with Celiac disease. Eighth grade was fine I guess because I read HP for the first time, but I barely talked to anyone. High school would be better, I said. Ha, what a joke.

The girl I considered to be my "best friend" from seventh grade through high school was the complete opposite of me. I honestly have no idea how we became friends in the first place, but I could never be myself around her. She was an extrovert. And a HUGE extrovert. She had loads of friends whereas a lot of the time, she was my only friend at school. Countless times I would be talking to her and she'd cut me off and start talking to someone else. Eventually, I learned to just not have serious conversations with her, or give up when she interrupted me. She always told me I was her "best friend." She would confide in me about things that she didn't tell anyone else, but I NEVER could do the same. I never felt comfortable telling her anything. I made that mistake too many times. There was a secret I had told her that she managed to keep for a little while before she completely spilled it in front of one of HER friends and didn't even understand why what she did was wrong. She belittled me and poked fun at my faith. We don't talk anymore. After graduation, neither of us ever said a word to each other. We'd drifted apart for junior and senior year, but now we had cut contact completely. There were good times I had with her, too, but it was yet another friendship that failed.

In my senior year, I joined theater (I had quit early freshman year because of sever anxiety) and made some friends there, two of whom I still consider good friends. One of those two is such a wonderful person, but she is so easily distracted and although we've had some good conversations, we don't see each other much these days (not just because of quarantine) and she has other friends that she's super close with, and I just feel out of place. That's how a lot of my relationships are. There are some people I consider friends, but I don't know if I have the right to consider them friends, if that makes any sense. They already have their own friend groups, and I feel like I'm intruding, even if that's not reality. Do they consider me a friend, or just "some girl they know." How can I know without coming off like a desperate and pathetic idiot?

I'm hopeless. I said at the end of high school that college would be different, but as soon as I stepped foot on that campus, I knew that was a stupid thing to believe. Every time I walk past a club table, even one that looks interesting, I hold my breath and try not to make eye contact. I've even stood at a distance trying to hype myself up to go and simply ASK about what they do. I can't even do that. I sit in the back of classes, usually no one sits next to me. Somehow, even with everyone coming from different schools, cities, states, and even countries, they still already seem to all know each other. Talk to each other. Have conversations with each other. Something that I long to be able to do, and they make it look so easy. Me? I can't even say hi without having a panic attack about whether I sounded friendly or not. Whenever someone talks to me, everything in my brain goes out the window. I stumble over my words and talk either too slow or too fast, and come off sounding like a complete idiot. I make a fool out of myself and my nervousness shows. When I'm embarrassed I turn red and my cheeks burn, and if its really bad (a presentation) I will actually start to shake. After something embarrassing or even any social interaction, I wonder about it for hours afterwards. I could have done this, or said this, or I shouldn't have said that. There's no way they would like someone like me.

Even online I can't seem to keep friends. I try to be friendly, outgoing, and kind online. When someone says something that hurts my feelings or makes me feel bad, I don't say anything just to keep the peace. But the pressure of online communication is immense. You make ONE mistake, or even if people misinterpret something you said when you had no ill intention, you're out. Even if they say everything's fine, it doesn't feel fine.

I feel out of place no matter where I go. School is like a minefield. I rarely leave the house unless I absolutely have to, and I hate myself for it. My family are the ones I can be myself around, but sometimes even around them, I feel out of place. I. Don't. Fit. In. Anywhere. And I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. There are so many other people struggling with things more important than this, and it makes me feel stupid for feeling this way. But I don't want to feel like this anymore!! I just don't see myself being able to change.

Is one good friend too much to ask for? Just one person that I can trust no matter what? Apparently so.

I'm a person that acts like I don't need a lot of encouragement or praise, and I used to think I didn't care what people thought about me. I realize now that I do care. I do need encouragement. I do need friends. And sometimes, I want to be the one that can vent instead of always being vented to.

[steriotypicalOutlaw]

I'm sorry hun. I know how you feel, I've been through a lot of it myself. I second what Ana said, even though I don't know you I'll be here for you. If you ever need to talk or just vent at someone you can always hit me up. I won't interject or offer advice unless you ask for it.

[chaotic creativity]

hey silver pandorica, i can understand what you're going through at a certain level, because i don't believe anybody can ever fully understand what somebody else is going through. i want you to know that you may not have ever really spoken to me, but i'm here in case you need someone to vent to or just somebody to talk to. i'm always online, so i'll pretty much immediately see a pm unless i'm asleep. i want you to know that we may not know each other, but i'm here and i'm very good at being just a person you can ramble and talk and vent or rant at and will actually take the time to read and think out a response. i really hope that things start looking better for you because you seem like such a sweet person who deserves the world.

[>> Leafstorm515]

*Wraps you up in a big hug*
I'm really sorry to hear all the stuff you've gone through up to this point. I really connected with alot of what you said because I have severe anxiety/depression and chronic health conditions that really impacted my life throughout school and through making friends. There is no 'magic fix', I can say that honestly as somone who has tried alot of different ways to deal with it and the best advice that I can give is to not give up. You seem so talented and have always been so nice to interact with when ever we talk, you are a valid important person! I know that the anxiety voice will always try to tell you the worst and make you think that people don't like you or care but the reality is that they do! Look at just the reponses to this post, people see you and they want to get to know you. It is a hard process to learn to talk back to the anxiety voice or even deconstruct what you're feeling, but know that any attempt is always valid and you are doing the best that you can. No one is perfect overnight, it took my years of dealing with anxiety and countless therapy sessions to really feel like I'm now in control of my anxiety rather than it controlling me. I would encourage you to pick one group you are interested in at college and just go for it. It is scary, yes, but those people can connect you to so many things you would have never learned and can also serve as trial runs for getting to know others. In college, I always challenged myself to enver sit in the back like I did in highschool. When you sit in the back you worry about everyone else around you, but in the front you can focus on what's being presented and how you can best learn it. You are so much stronger than you know you are, life hasn't been fair to you but you still have so much potential for growth and change. I believe in you and I truly hope that things turn around for you. if you ever need to chat or anything you know I'm here for you. <3 hang in there

[Silver Pandorica]

-snip-

Haha, that went a little deeper than I anticipated. Thank you so much for you support, it means a lot <3

-snip-

Thanks loads, dude. I appreciate it <3

-snip-

Gosh leaf, you are the sweetest person, I swear. Thank you so, so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much this means to me, and I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that out <33 I will take this advice to heart, and I think I'll try and give a club a shot once the campus is open again! It will be tough, but I'll do my best.

[Panda-Love-100]

First of all, I want to say I am very sorry for you, your story deeply moved me and I almost burst into tears while reading this (seriously, no joke). I really wish I could crawl through the screen right now and give you the biggest hug saying, “It may not feel like it, but people care, I care, and I really want to do anything I can to help you,” because that’s all true. Your family cares and, even though it may seem very strange and feel weird, talking to people like your parents is always a good thing to try. Having someone to confide in feels great, and you can usually get lots of free hugs too ❤️. They know what it’s like to go through school and even if they haven’t been exactly in your shoes, they can offer lots of advice to help you along the way. Siblings are also good to go to (If you have any) and even grandparents have lots to offer. These are people who truly love you and you can feel free to be you around them, because family won’t hold it against you (and if they do, you should probably talk to them and tell them how you feel, or get another trusted guardian involved). This all may seem cheesy or like it applies to younger kids, but it actually works, even when you might now expect it.
Honestly, I’ve never had problems like this first hand, but I have lots of friends who are going through the same stuff. Even if they don’t confide in me directly I can usually tell and we talk about it a bit until we work things out. If you want someone to talk to or vent to, my pms and dms are always open! I love to help anyone the best way I can and I hope I can do the same to you. Also, when you are feeling down in the dumps or your mind is spinning at 100 miles an hour, listening to music or reading a good book can help a lot. Also, you should read Speak Love by Annie F. Downs (and pretty much anything else written by her). Even if you aren’t a Christian it still has great info and such about speaking and such.
Also, when you fill a little tongue tied taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself down works wonders. Another good book is More Than Skin Deep (forgot the author... x3). It talks about how to be comfortable in your skin and you Skin (you’ll understand the difference if you read it ;3). Always remember to be YOU and don’t try to fake it. Once your inner self starts to shine through, people will start to see the real you and you’ll make friends.
Online life is TOUGH (I know that first hand. I had some minor almost cyber bullying a couple years back, not fun...) and you have to know how to handle yourself. If your reading over a rude message, skip over to the next one. Besides, these people don’t know the real you, so who are they to be a judge? They may be living in their parents basement playing video games all day for all we know. Also, you have to remember that this people are also probably suffering in real life and they are trying to project it onto others (it sounds good at the time, but it doesn’t last long). If they are being very rude and you can tell they are trying to annoy you, take a step back, maybe it’s time to log off for a bit until it cools down. But don’t say mean things to them in response, this is often the worst thing you could do. If they keep doing stuff like that tell an adult or someone’s of authority on that platform, or confront them yourself saying, “Hey, I know you might be hurting right now but please don’t project it onto others,” or somethings to that effect. Or you could just say something simple like, “Hey, what you say hurts me, please stop.” Also, you don’t have to read what they say if you know it’ll always be negative, (like I said earlier) just skip over their comments. Again, they don’t know the real you.
Sorry that was so long, I really started getting a bit hyped up there x3. I hope this helps, and remember, I’m always here if you need to chat/vent/or anything of the sort. Even though we (most likely) haven’t met, I like you for who you are, not what others try to change you into. Keeping shining your light around the world and don’t let anyone or anything put it out.

-Panda

Edit: wow I just realized how insanely long this is... x3