[abxy]

i have a general topic i'm going to talk about but i have no idea where this is going. maybe i'll spill my guts, maybe this will be super short and sweet and nothing will be wrong in the world.

if you were active on the oekaki boards around 2017, you might have seen this gal around. purple hair and miku colored hoodie. or maybe you didn't - i like to think more people knew me than they actually did. the persona of someone who was trying so hard to be nice because they couldn't love theirself, so might as well try to love everybody else. and try a little too hard to be inspirational too. it was an idealized version of me, someone nicer, and with cool hair to boot!

anyways even though i'm preeetty sure i posted the most i ever have on oekaki in 2017 i don't feel like checking, i want to say i'm in a better spot mentally than i was then. give you a cool story about growth and self love in just two years! if i were someone else then i'm sure i'd have that story to give you. but i'm not someone else and what i can say is that i'm not in much of a better spot than i was back then. i'm a better person now but i'm not in a better state. actually if anything it all got better and then it got worse. but i have more friends than i did back then, a good support system. it's weird and everything is weird.

so. i've been here since january 2015, and let's be honest here, in 2015 is when i really started developing as a person and as an artist. i feel like i'm growing up with this site. i remember how i was when i joined and it's pretty embarrassing. wide-eyed anime fan who actually didn't watch much anime, and had dealt with a little too much for his age but was still pretty sweet and innocent. called everybody -chan and i think i still used XD and O__o. but unless i'm thinking about a different stage in my life, i still wanted to seem mature (despite... calling everyone -chan and being kind of a weirdo) so i always wanted to use proper capitalization and all that. look where i am now! no caps, sorry mom!!!

i thrived on roleplays i really miss doing, changed my username like people change clothes, had no idea how much of a clown i was being, and it was pretty great. i made friends i really miss, and did things i didn't know wouldn't last forever, that i wouldn't get to do again.

it's getting closer and closer to 5 years since i joined this site. and.. that's pretty crazy. 5 years. i thought i'd get banned before 5 years, honestly. (i had a weird knack for getting myself banned from things even though i did my best to follow rules.)

in that time i've seen a lot on cs. and listen i know it's not good to advertise a place as imperfect, especially not a place aimed at kids (and tbh plenty of teens too) so people wanna make this site seem perfect. or seem like a complete pit of hell, also not true. but this site is nowhere near perfect.

i've been told downright godawful things that have long been erased from this site, but i still remember clear as day. i've cried over it! i've done stupid things and i've had people do stupid things and i don't know what else i expected from a site filled with a bunch of kids. i've made friends and i've lost friends. and i thought i'd understand them at some point but i still think a lot of the rules on this site are kinda weird. like why can you not vaguely say you're an adult/minor that's so dumb??? i didn't get it then, don't get it now. and... seriously, i could tell you about all my bad experiences.

but you know? i still want to be more active on here. i miss when i was more active, i miss drawing on oekaki frequently. i want to connect with this community again, and i've been trying lately because lord knows it's changed and so have i.

so, hello everyone. you can call me hazel or luca, and you're gonna be seeing more of me

[hypnowave]

aw man, as someone who grew up on this site (joined in 2011, got banned and came back in 2014, so now it's almost been a decade oof) i have to say reading your post got me feeling pretty sentimental too. i can relate a lot to having had bad experiences here, and yet still wanting to stick around because of the lovely community 💙

i've seen you around a couple times, gotta say i really dig your art style - it's good to hear you'll be around more often! i hope that as time goes on, things will continue to improve for you :0c

[qwertyo]

Ah, I definitely remember seeing this purple haired gal around! Hard to believe it's been 5 years since you've been here... I peeked at your oekaki gallery and I can recall seeing some of your old pieces back when you had drawn them, makes me feel kinda nostalgic. (also I feel old now because I've been here since 2009, haha)

anyways, I'm lookin forward to seeing you be active again! I really do enjoy seeing your art on the oekaki. It's been a pleasure seeing your art grow and improve over the years!

[Raptorfang]

i made friends i really miss, and did things i didn't know wouldn't last forever, that i wouldn't get to do again.

This whole post is really beautiful, but this line in particular hit me different. Definitely a lot of feels with that one. Excellent post and excellent art. :')