Ｓｉｎｔｈｏｍｅ

[Cloasiii]

⌘



〘" . . . the function of the sinthome

— knotting together the Real, the Imaginary and the Symbolic —

is beyond meaning."〙

This is the truth of all conscious life. According to Lacanian psychoanalysis, beneath every signifier is the signified symbolic --

something created by cutting a piece of reality from its context. But what is reality? What does it mean?

How do you know if something is real if you have no objective means of observing it?

When we cast our gaze, we create reality. Its precarious existence relies on our attention.

The struggle to prescribe signification to our symbolic thought breeds conflict and turmoil. The sinthome is destined to tie us to our symptoms, which pervade every day life, in our undying attempts to assign meaning to life and establish what is real.

⌠ deny this reality ⌡

[Cloasiii]

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"Listen, I don't usually buy into this kind of stuff as much as my friends, but this time I can't shake this feeling that there's really someone or something there.. "

⌦ ｂｌｏｇ

Alright, I'm gonna start by saying.. I don't actually buy into a lot of paranormal stuff. I think it's extremely interesting, and I appreciate all of my friends who devote themselves to the subject, but I can't help but find myself skeptical. That being said -- a few weeks ago, I started having some very.. interesting dreams. That part's not unusual for me, since I'm used to lucid dreaming; but I'm usually very confident that I'm alone when I do it.

It didn't feel like I was alone in these ones.

It started as an uncanny hunch, as I traversed one fog-encapsulated dream world. The mists felt too heavy and my walking too real. Further, I was having trouble manifesting objects in this dream, which is something I can usually do with ease (one of the many appeals of lucid dreaming.) I blew it off afterwards, attributing the oddities to some kind of failure on my part.

The following nights, though, the pattern began to repeat itself. The fog grew noticeably denser with each night; at some point, I considered the frightening possibility that I might not have any control over this dream. It certainly felt that way, but it didn't make any logical sense -- if it's my dream, then I'm unequivocally the only one with any control.

But then I saw her. A gray kalon, with remarkably long dark hair and massive wings that blended into the mists.

How is someone here? Did I create them? I'm fully lucid, I should know when I create something -- and I've never seen her before, I can't imagine someone in this much detail without knowing them -- but I had to have? What's going on?

While I was dazed in my confusion, her form seemed to resume control of the entirety of the dream. Pale flower stamps emerged from every corner of the fogged room and began to emit light. Her form melded with the mist and reforged itself into a more human appearance. I'm not sure which form is her default, but it didn't matter given the circumstances. She had full control of my own dream.

Here, let me sketch what she looked like.. my memory is rough and distorted, and I'm not particularly great at drawing, but she looked something like this:

I'm.. very shy about my drawing skills so let's ignore that -- the important thing is that she was holding a.. bar? A spear? I really don't know what it was, but she was gripping it so tightly that it manifested along with the rest of her body, so it must be important. And I really feel like it's important to ask her about it and find out who she is.

At the very least, I wanna know if she's actually *real* or not.

So I've been doing some quick research on my own since then, and I've found that her description curiously matches that of a.. video game character, apparently. In a game that's not even done with production yet, from.. a very suspicious looking "company."

Regardless, what I've been wanting to ask you is if you could accompany me tomorrow to come speak with someone from this "company." It's just a Discord call, but given the situation.. It'd definitely make me feel more comfortable to not be alone.

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[Cloasiii]

⌈Cultist.............................

"Ashes?"

⌈Ashe.......................

Uh -- yeah, hello, I'm Ashe. Not ashes..

It's nice to talk to you, uh.. 'Cultist.'
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.. so, I've heard a lot about your game.. "Pnemonia;"

especially concerning a characte--

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(Visibly taken aback)

No!! No, I mean, that's what I'm here for..

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..wait, did you say something about dreams?

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I- I'm sorry? Can you hear me sir?

I asked what you meant about the dreams?

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The call disconnects, leaving Ashe dazed and worried.
He wonders if Cultist meant to leave on such little notice,
so he sits in the call by himself for the next 5 minutes
and is eventually booted out.

Well.. I guess I'll go show up the dude's place, then?

I don't like it, but if I can't talk to him,

then I'll just get my hands on the game

and try to find this character myself.

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AH! THE GAME!

I knew you were in for the game -- it's beautiful.

Grotesque, alluring, ethereal.

The name came in a dream.

That's where the truth is, you know.

Dreams.

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Yes, I know you are here for the game. Hmm.

You're very green.. I'm fond of coloration.

There is much of it in the game.

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(Cultist is quiet for a minute)

Yes. Okay, you may come to my studio.

We are in need of testing.. review.

C A L L I N G. . .

⌘

[Cloasiii]

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⌈Ashe...............................

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⌈ＬＩＬＩＴＨ........................................

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?̶̧̰͔͚̳̅̎ ?̷̧͕̦̬̃̅̐ͅ ?̵̢͔͖̟͚̜̭̜͚̳͗̽̈́́̀̏̈̊̓͌̄ͅ ?̷̦̈͗̾̉͗̎̃͌̓̌̈́̈́̓͐͘ͅ?̶̛͕̺̓̄̋̀̑̀́̓͂̕̚̕͝͠ ?̶̨̡̡̨̲͓̩̻̣̦̹̺̳̘̪́̈́̏͐̈́̋͛͌͗̃̅͗͌̚͝͝ͅ ?̷̛̛̺͎̫̬̤͕̖͔͍̲͔͇͖̋̓̆̃̓̈́̀̂̾͂̎͒͌͊͘͜ ?̷̧̡̛̳͖̠̙̫̦̘͇͕̜̗̦̺̮̹͋͂̓̀́̏̚͜?̶̢̟̩͕̤͇̩͓̗̗̹̞̳͔͖̩̠̈́̑́͊̿̀̆̈́̃͊͆́͐ ?̴̧̛̹̠̗̻͈̘̹̞̎͊̋̽̊̒͆͘ ?̵̨̺̲̻͍̰̞̣͓̝̯̣̠̮̙́ ?̷̪̲̯̱̝͚͕̳̉̌̋́̾̂̑̍̀́͑̚̚͠͝?̴̡̧̟͖̬̭̯̝̻̙̦̯̜͆͆̎͋͗̂͒̽͘ ?̶̡̨̢̨̹͇̤̔̀͐͛̐͐̇̏̅̀͑͒͗̽̾͊̚?̶̧̨̡̛̛̮͕̱̪̖̩̝̫͍̯͔̮͕̏͗̄̉͗̓̋̎̓͜ ?̵̭̭̰̞̦̼͙̟̝̼͔̖͉̜̉̔͜?̷̨͈̺̰̠̹͇̰̈́̈

⌘

NOTE:
Ashe arrives at
Cultist's facility.
After minimal greeting,
Cultist leads Ashe
to a testing platform
and Ashe searches for
ＬＩＬＩＴＨ .

The search does not
take long.
She comes to him.

ＬＩＬＩＴＨ
tells her story.

[Chat takes place
in-game.]
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TRANSCRIPT:

LILITH: You.. are here.. thank you for listening..
I know you cannot speak in this digital vessel.
You possess a very special ability to hear those that cannot manifest in your physical world..
I am LILITH. I come from a different dimensional plane. Allow me to tell you the story of my people and myself.

There were those with wings and those without. Those with wings had access to different lands and other inherent privileges. My entire young life as a winged one, I denied being privileged at all and carried out small acts of kindness to soothe the cognitive dissonance I possessed.
Here is a small, important detail about myself: I owned a treasured, expensive wing comb that a young, poor, wingless one had found while harvesting by the mountain. I had received it by trading them for some food. In reality, I could have told them to sell it for a plethora of money, but I simply wanted it -- so I pretended that it was not worth so much.
I convinced myself that this was the right choice because I “had wings and could actually use it,” and I felt good to give poor ones food. I actually had very many wing combs and did not need a new one. My argument was that I’d actually use it, but in reality I'd stored it away like a novelty item. It is dusk colored with stars on it.
She tried to believe that she was selfless, but in retrospect we are shown by my actions that I did not chose to do the right things when no one was looking. I'd believed that those with wings were discriminated against because the wingless were bitterly jealous. I did, somehow, genuinely think of myself the better person.

I -- she-- LILITH cannot maintain sentience for long, I am t̵r̴a̶n̵s̶f̷e̶r̵r̶i̵n̵g̶ ̷t̷o̴ ̵b̵a̸c̴k̴u̴p̷ ̵d̵a̴t̴a̵ - --

...

Code: Select all

SYSTEM: Continuing with the story.

There is a sudden unfortunate event which causes their land to become inhabitable. Unfortunately, only those with wings possess the ability to evacuate. Lilith feels distress at the thought of destruction the other will experience, but justifies that it is out of her hands. She attempts to gather her belongings, but she has trouble reaching her wing comb under fallen debris. A wingless kal [that she was fake nice to] trying to escape happens to see her struggling for the object and stops to help retrieve it. They are smaller than she is and pull it out, injuring themselves in the process. Lilith stares in shock and slight anger, confused as to why they would put themselves at such a disadvantage for something that was so menial. The wingless kal recalls her past good deed, which Lilith does not even remember. Lilith grows angrier and confused as her false image of self-righteousness crumbles; watching the wingless kal suffer and the hundreds behind them struggling in a futile effort to escape, the inherent benefits of winged kals become all at once apparent. Her anger turns inwards towards herself. Her anger scares the wingless kal and they flee, leading Lilith to collapse further into herself.

        Her friends call for her to leave with them quickly; they say to not hesitate and that they must at least save themselves. They tell her that she is a good person, she has done much more than they had for the people here, she must put herself first now. More than anything she’s ever wanted, Lilith yearns for retribution of her actions. She had always wanted to be a good person, but she is now aware of the superficial nature of her “good deeds” and her cognitive dissonance becomes painfully apparent. Lilith, angry but gentle, asserts that she cannot go yet. Her tears contrast the encroaching fire, casting silhouette onto her friends. Each one of them cast Lilith a pitiful look before flying off without further hesitation. They, too, only offered their comforts to protect their own consciousness. They wouldn’t dare stay long enough to put themselves into a position of danger.
Lilith swells with guilt, anger, and now sorrow at the realization of her loneliness. She swallows it however, and turns towards the source of the fires, then up to the stars peeking from the twilight.

        “I do not deserve the stars.. nor these wings.”

   The twilight comb resonates with her words and the depth of her emotions. The presence of incredibly strong, genuine remorse activates the faintly glowing comb. Lilith is unaware.

   “I cannot go.”

        With these words, the comb pulsates. Lilith’s sentiments imbue the comb as it turns a frosted blue, its stars melting into a ghostly flower pattern. Lilith, still overcome by emotion, does not notice the change as she whips her head back down and snatches the comb. She flies over and into the flame, in search of the wingless kal.

        She sees a lot of destruction, cannot find them. Cannot help anyone even when he genuinely tries. Her distress grows because she cannot help and never find them. She succumbs to smoke eventually, and somehow wakes up to find the land barren and ashy. She sobs and spends days rummaging for signs of survival, seeing nothing. She hopes that her friends will return to survey the damage or to look for her, but they never do. She grows tired and defeated, but never once considers leaving the land. She realizes that she only survived because she could fly to an area safer than those scorched by flame. Her guilt is deep and gruelling. She drags herself across the land in circles, refusing to leave, before realizing that she had not eaten or slept in days. This is when she notices pale flower marks that had appeared on her legs, which match those on the comb. She would later come to accept that she had cursed herself – she “cannot go.”

        Unable to physically leave her past lands, she now uses the comb to project across different dimensions. While she cannot sleep, she may visit those who are in a state of deep sleep (astral projection). She can only manifest herself in those with the most vivid dreams (Cultist has long and extremely vivid dreams). She seeks to provide comfort and advice to those she finds in her astral projections.

She will grip on forever, a tightly as she grips her comrades' fallen flag.


As the story ends, Lilith wavers into existence in-game once more.
Her volatile form gestures to the chat box.
It seems that she leaves Ashe with a song link and implores him to listen..
She has discovered it during her time traversing the internet, and resonates with its sentiments.

Lilith's sinthome

All art created by Cloasiii