orange.

[leeheeseung]

my son

fenris

❐ hardest goodbye
❐ easiest hello

no longer need to vent

[leeheeseung]

direction
sadness definitely lingers more longer,
much more than happiness, in my
own opinion.

i'm sure, more people have it much
more worse than me. have it much-
much more lonelier than me. this isn't
permanent, i'm sure of that.

because sadness lingers much
more longer,
makes me want to live;
much more longer.
to try to beat sadness, despite how much
it hurts.
and it hurts.

the people around me,
i have no idea how much
of an impact i have made
in their life.
that is what i live for,
not for them, but-
for myself.
i live to feel needed-
for my self.

[leeheeseung]

i hated them
i never liked that
particular vegetable.
but i learned to love it.

externally;
its texture was rough, like-
how you would run the
tips of your fingertips across
hard, cold concrete.
it never really had any skin,
it was forever exposed.
and i don't like that.
you never knew if you
were peeling its skin.
you never really knew
until you saw the bumps
or its rough edges.

but apparently,
it was good for you. if you
knew its benefits.
it was good when it was mixed in
your favourite meal.
the one where you can barely
taste the carrot at all, but knew
without it, it wouldn't taste
the same.
its the little things
that matter the most,
but we take that for granted
sometimes;
don't we?

i am that carrot.

[leeheeseung]

...
its human nature.
to do,
to make;
mistakes.

i'm not perfect.
i want to be better.
i know my mistakes do not define me
i will be better.
not for anyone,
but for me.

[leeheeseung]

its so weird how-
i used to be so close to so many people online.
and i was close to no one in real life. not one.
sure i had friends, but none of them really new me.

its 2018. and times has changed so much.
i can't ask for better friends. i have friends in real life that i want to
treasure forever. i love them all so much.

but,
i have no idea what my friends online are doing.
are you doing well? how are you? is life treating you well?
hows the family? are you eating properly? drinking enough water?

you see thats life. you loose most people because they're
moving on their own pace in their own time.
and so am i.

life is so precious.
and even thought i was able to get close to you all for the
shortest time. i need you to know that you have influenced me
to be the very person i am today. so thank you. so much.

- $

[leeheeseung]

for the
record, i've manage to do many things
and its only 10.
well i think they're many things.
its the little things that matter.
that matter,

are the things that benefits you in life,
or whatever makes you happy.
if somewhere along the track
you seem, out of touch-
stop.

its not worth trying to ruin whatever
you love the most through forcing your
self.
don't do it.

we always need to take a break. even
from the things we love.
the things we love.
we love.
love.
- yen

[leeheeseung]

my socials
i post what i want now-a-days.
not what i think what others would like.
because that just eliminates the whole
point of expressing yourself through the
internet. isn't it?

its a vicious cycle really.
you begin your social media, with many ideas
and feel excited with the hint of an overwhelm-
ing sensation, that you, a unique human being,
is able to express his or hers concepts and ideas
with the whole world. because after all, sharing
is caring.

and with this exciting feeling, you begin to explore,
other users world and imagination. you begin to love
and admire those who post much more cooler things,
or even the same things as you. and from admiration,
you become inspired to do similar things or create
other or newer ideas that were strongly influenced
by others.

at this point, depending on the person (and many variables),
things can either fall apart or become stuck
in an un ending cycle of 'i wish' and 'i want'

by seeing others who do the same things as you, you
unnoticingly begin to compare your unique character
with others who seem to be owning the many traits you
possess yourself.

and because you're so excited, you continue to view, watch
and admire these people. and as few minutes passes by, so does
months. you've already lost yourself with other peoples characters,
that you've forgotten about your own.

and at this point, you really start to compare. how this person
is better at this, and you're just you. and you can never be the same.
when in reality, you can NEVER be the same. because you were born
unique, in your own little way. which ironically leads us to have something
in common with each other.
funny huh?


but you are looking at same person who traveled back and fort
within these two dimensions for almost all of her life. almost.

throughout my life, through my experiences, i have learnt that there is another
path. instead of viewing technology and online platforms as something that
can cause negative influences in my life, i've flipped the switch, turned the tables
and finally, and slowly created something that i can transmit positive energy for
not only my self but for others who surround me.

there is so much you can do for you and your happiness. it all starts with you
and you as a person is just as amazing as the next one beside you.

if you've made it this far, i just want to let you know that you are very
important to me. because i know life is a difficult journey, and i want you
to know that you are doing you're best by being alive today <3

KEEP GOING AND I LOVE YOU

[leeheeseung]

battle
currently, i am in a constant
battle between fantasy and
reality.

its not like i haven't accepted it.
its the thought of him, the way he
used to adore every molecule of my
entire being, was what i couldn't-
accept anymore.
that it's become nothing.
that i've become nothing.
to him.
and now,
to me.

its not like i was struggling.
i grieved the way i wanted to.
the way my eyes would swell up
with tears. as if i was allergic to him.
like i was no longer good for him.
or i was never good for him.
he took all the good out of me.


like every tear drop would consist
of a bittersweet memory that would
further enhance the severity of my pain.
that would cause me to wrap my arms
around my stomach, as if i was expierencing
food poisoning. like how your favourite meal,
would sometimes leave a bad taste in your mouth.

it doesn't hurt.
the pain isn't a bandaid solution that you could just
rip off.

the pain never heals.
love is like a scar
forever haunting
you like ghost of the past.

love it self is being attacked randomly by
a memory of him, because its tuesday.

on most days i feel alive. that i live for me.
no body else, but me. for my family, for my
friends. those who are important to me.

but you were once important to me.

i miss the person you were.
because no way, in this planet
where i would let someone into
my soul, and set them free.

but you asked. it was what
you wanted.
and because i loved you so,
i held the door.
wide open.

and with a blink.
we no longer existed.

[leeheeseung]

"happy birthday, dork!"

i jolt up, completely unaware of my surroundings as every inch of my body fills up with confusion, irritation and a-little bit of regret.

i hear a girls voice that i am all too familiar with and the back of my throat begins to growl softly. "don't-" and with that a stream of bright pure light immediately blinds my already blurry vision. aggressively, i dive back into the sea of what is my bed, in attempt to hide from the ridiculous light. like i can hide from her anyway.

"twelve years old and you act like a man in his late sixties" the voice says while it echos throughout the room, further enhancing my irritation. i firmly grip onto the duvet while all knowing what's about to happen next.

"if a man in his late sixties can sleep in, then so can i" i say in-a-matter-of-fact however i knew all too well that it wouldn't have sounded so good if it came out muffled. but i didn't necessarily care. the grip on my duvet got tighter.

the room got quiet besides a few birds chirping away their ritual routine. i sighed.

"you're not gonna let me sleep in are you"

"no, not really. no"

and for the second time, i jolt up once more, fully revealing my self to bake under neath the morning sunlight. i raised my arms up in defence to protect my eyes from the brightness. as i squint my eyes to adjust to the figure standing in-front of my bed and both my arms slump beside me. at least she didn't rip open the duvet like last year.

"happy birthday to you too little sister-"

"-for 3 minutes and 52 seconds-"

"same thing."

i toss the duvet aside, despite ever wanting to stay in bed forever. i could be any age in the world and i wouldn't want to leave my bed. simple.

my twin hastily shuffled towards me with her hands behind her back, grinning from ear to ear. the pads of my feet barely touched the floor boards and i couldn't even get out of bed with out being harassed. i shut my eyes for a second, attempting to absorb every positive energy i had into making conversation so early in the morning.

opening my eyes, i meet a pair of eyes, the same color as mine, however with more sparkle and enthusiasm to them. gently, she placed a tiny box, that was decorated with lighting blue wrapping paper with a big white bow to keep everything in tact, on the surface of my lap. immediately, annoyance was replaced with happiness. the edges of my lips tug into a small smile, while i grab and slightly shake the box.

"blue?"

"shut up."

i stood up, gently setting her aside while i rummage through my closet in search for her birthday present. after a few moments, i pull out a small red rectangular box, with a matching ribbon to compliment my present. i stand infront of her while trying to stifle a smile. i hand it out to her while tightly clasping onto my own present. she takes it immediately and also tries to stifle a smile.

"on three-" she says, while holding onto the loose end of the ribbon.

"one-"

"-two"

"...three!"

[leeheeseung]

my mum
and i accidentally bought three,
freshly potted
bonsai trees.

two for her
and one for me.

the two of them,
looked alike.
they were both tall,
and both sat in
two glossy, ocean
blue, ceramic pots.
they're so smol
and so very cute
i took a peak at the
tags and both displayed
the same name.
ficus.

the other one,
is mine.
its smaller than its friends,
much more smaller.
it did not have a glossy,
ocean blue, ceramic pot
for itself, but sat in a
regular reusable pot.
and i couldn't have been more
prouder of the way it looked.
it had small prickles
and it looked fragile,
and smol.
its a juniper bonsai tree.
i love it so much

i plan to name my v soon,
and my mum decided not to.

what a great day today.