O Y A S U M I V.2 ▷ a journal, dnp

[lysander]

 

ｏｙａｓｕｍｉ！
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[lysander]

time for introduction
ive written so many of these i just wanna make it snappy but inevitably ill ramble bc i dont know how to shut the heck up

lets just bullet the basics

- lysander
- nonbinary masculine
- he/him
- extremely legal adult
- college
- first gen asian american
- cambodian/chinese
- lgbt as FFFFFFFFRICK
- been dating the same guy for 6-7 years
- i write n draw n make music and dabble in game stuff
- infp primary, enfp secondary
- chaotic neutral
- textbook scorpio
- ascending aries, aquarius moon
- knight of heart
- my entire personality is the strider-lalondes combined but mostly dave and dirk but with a generous dash of vriska
- uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh more later

[lysander]

smh
i can tell when the bpd hits me and im doing that thing i do
my head actually hurts right now and i feel vaguely sick
other than that this is always what happens:

>depressive episode
>unhappiness comes to a boil
>i snap at my best friend (happened abt 3-5 weeks ago)
>i realize its literally my biology doing this to me
>period happens, im hunky dory for a while
>gradually become more excited and energetic
>take on more duties and projects than i can possibly do
>feel more social, interact w ppl a lot
>WOW IM SO PRODUCTIVE I FEEL GREAT
>annoyance slowly starts to build where before i could just brush things off
>more
>more but also i start oversharing to no success/bad reception
>more
>i realize i cant stand people (again) but also that its my MI doing stuff
>need to vent somewhere but no good place anywhere
>feel bad for wanting to vent when i could just Not bc venting like this is extremely petty and i hate it
>do it anyway
>"wtheck lys youre venting on a kids pet site, how pathetic can u get"
>yeah i know
> cue depressive episode

i dont feel like putting this dumb stuff on my twitter anywhere and i dont feel like bothering my friends with it
its not that i think itll BOTHER them per se but its more like? im embarrassed that its even causing me to have Feelings about it to begin with. like? no, lys, this is stupid as heck. im ashamed more than anything, and esp so of my oversharing habit

i... need to stop that bc its embarrassing and unnecessary and im supposed to be the Good Role Model u feel me
i cant do that if im goofing around like some kind of prepubescent baffoon and yes! offense intended! im so done

additionally i think its just, a fact that everything and everyone rubs me the wrong way just a little if not more than that. bare minimum is that im probably vaguely annoyed by something someone's done at least once but more likely several times. not that it makes me treat ppl differently bc im not about that petty life but i keep all this stacked up somewhere in a file folder in my head

i think, bottom line, i just Dont Like People
which is really interesting considering the fact i feel like i do a pretty good job of being nice. ofc those things arent mutually exclusive at all

basically what this means is that im going 2 withdraw and just talk to the people already close to me bc im so dang tired. i need to get out more and off this internet life bc im pretty much wasting my time and wasting my energy 60% of the time here. just enjoy dumb things like mobage games and eating out

which brings me back to this: i need a hecking job

ive written more eloquent blog posts about this
i should really revive my essay blog or something. or ? where did i put my vent blog
i dont remember anymore,,, dont know where id feel the best about venting but i guess for now here is alright haha
itd be a better idea to take it off this kids site esp when i intend on dancing around certain topics and certain things i discuss get real dark but im probably not in the Mature (tm) mindset right now

i guess it was one thing that particularly bothered me that is nagging at my brain but that s'h'a'n''t be discussed here and now
i think, all i really need to do is to chalk it up to me being foolish enough to expect a certain thing

aaand it always goes like this
> does something
> weird thing happens
> im confused as to why it did
> "its my fault for forgetting people are STUPID"

this is literally the definition of bpd where you just? dont trust anyone lmao. not a hair. and the moment you decide to be careless, whabam. here's a reminder! it's not even some angsty stuff abt I AM SO MISUNDERSTOOD BOOHOO i just think people are? not to be trusted. often dumb as nails! but its not their fault tbh bc how can THEY help it. its your responsibility to adjust for them because they just, cannot.

for all the positivity i claim i really am not much a philanthropist. i do believe in those things i say, but usually that's for ideal situations. i think at heart im just? a misanthropist. bc time and time again i always return to solitude and im happy for it. sure, its lonely but... i feel like id rather by lonely than be constantly flabbergasted at the sheer idiocy displayed by Some Types of People

i dont actually hate everyone. i dont think its cool to be misanthropic either. i dont think theres anything interesting about hating other people at all. but i also........... cant force myself to like em!!! i absolutely despise people who are just like PEOPLE SUCK IM SO COOL BECAUSE IM A CYNIC!!!!! bc its not cool, its pretty boring. i would almost say trite. but like. i absolutely am like that and i suppose that's for my own personal reasons and experiences. in the same vein, i think a lot of optimists out there are ... sheltered. not all of them, but when i hear someone espousing advice that clearly shows no real understanding of my/other's situations i just have to roll my eyes. its like when ppl are like "itll get better!!! dont worry!!!" @ depression without acknowledging how hard it is to MAKE yourself believe that

hilariously enough though, that is what it comes down to. you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and do something about it because no one else can do that for you

topic change

i am pretty sure i have some deeply rooted trust issues LOL i mean that is indeed a part of bpd, but even back to when i was a kid interacting with my parents always felt like one betrayal after another. the invasion of my personal space, my privacy, my honest thoughts never being taken seriously, the utter complete lack of support when i needed it... its no wonder to me that they think they "barely know me" because every time i WAS myself around them theyd basically flip out and tell me i needed to be xyz instead of whatever i was

i dont hate them necessarily but i certainly have no desire to be closer than i am right now (which is not very close at all) and i have no qualms with keeping secrets from them, the rest of my family, other people. absolutely none. i mean, everyone has secrets anyway. i dont get people who share everything. i mean, i share a lot? im pretty open about almost everything? except for a few very key things i guess. i guess thats everyone though

why is literally everything annoying me lately jesus hecking christ
i think im going to draw today and watch some dumb stuff on tv like that new show with phil rosenthal or whatever his last name is. the guy who wrote everybody loves raymond

ahhh at least i can withdraw back into documentaries
it makes me really sad when no one takes an interest in the documentaries i recommend them
i mean, ig that's to be expected bc who actually watches documentaries unless youre 30+ or something. like, by choice
but i just... love them so much bc they remind me of what i DO love in this world and also that there are people worth respecting out there- NOT TO SAY I DONT RESPECT EVERYone okay nevermind thats a lie. for me, being polite/nice to someone is completely divorced from actually respecting them haha

regardless. i feel like i appreciate the challenge documentaries bring and i wish more people would watch them & also support public broadcasting bc pbs is responsible for some of the most incredible documentaries ive seen

theyve got this series called independent lens where they explore singular issues very intimately, and theyre incredibly specific. i remember they did a documentary on khmer refugees and their kids and i was like ?!?!?!?!?!?! that's me!?!?!?!? the heck??????!?!?! and like, ig it was at that point i discovered just how powerful documentaries are

thennnnnn came the chef's table series which.... is my favorite honestly. its so heckin inspiring i feel overcome w emotion every time i watch one of those.... bc its not just about food, its about life and inspiration and passion and those !!! are incredible things that make me want to stay in this world !!!

really i think its all about surrounding yourself with good vibes and positive influences. just cut out everything else
i realize some people cant ignore the bad in the world but THEY should realize some of us would die if we let our hearts bleed. and i am no bleeding heart hahahahahahaha

its weird bc i have this love/hate relationship w people and for the most part i dont have much faith in them, but i can talk as if i do, make it sound real convincing, sometimes even convince myself that i believe that. but i think the real thing i put my faith in is... the arts? creativity? storytelling? just, being so passionate about something that you could throw yourself into the lions den for it so to say

lays down
its always those things that make me feel better abt my time here on earth
its not unusual for me to feel absolutely just, numb @ my life and situation and my situation is probably the best its been in my life... how do i put this? im bored? with living? bored, and scared of the drudgery that'll happen? ofc its all unreasonable, just bc you become a working adult doesnt mean you lose your sense of self, but...

i think a lot abt running away into the woods and just living there in complete solitude
just focusing on the things i enjoy doing, trying to reach some kind of pinnacle of innovation regarding those things

man
why does this sound even remotely eloquent. its not even that eloquent but im rambling mindlessly into a forum post for heaven's sake, there shouldnt be any kind of eloquence whatsoever

smh i default to my essay writing voice bc my essay writing voice is actually the closest to how my thoughts actually work

i think this is good enough for one sitting i guess.

just kidding one more thing

i talked to my boyfriend the other day about our disparate views on people
bear in mind that he's a reserved, quiet type. doesn't speak unless spoken to, very private... to strangers at least. ofc i see him differently bc weve been dating for 6-7 years now, but i think other people might find him kind of intimidating, cold. he's the type of person to get frustrated easily with other people. very introverted

now, me... im am ambivert but i fake that extroversion real well. i think i appear very friendly and open to new experiences, open to new types of people, more open to things in general as compared to my boyfriend. i wear my heart on my sleeve so my happiness is very plain to see. i imagine this makes me more friendly seeming to other people?

the funny thing is is that btwn us both, he thinks im the more cynical one. i was surprised to hear that from him but i totally agreed haha. bc, his frustration and unhappiness w other people comes from a place of believing people have the potential to be good, to be better than what they are now, and the fact that they aren't reaching that potential frustrates him. but me? gosh. i honestly, truly believe some people are incapable of changing, growing, becoming aware of themselves- that some people are truly just... idiots. harsh, yes, but because i believe this its easy for me to let go of things, bc as soon as someone disappoints me, i mark them as "idiot" in my head and ... from then on, i dont care. they're pretty much dead to me. i can go on with my life w/o thinking of them ever again bc the fact of the matter is that i Do Not Care.

im always open to having my mind changed ofc. its not like that label is permanent. but... its basically guilty until proven innocent here. i do try to be more forgiving- its definitely a work in progress. i think, within the last few yrs ive gotten better at being more sympathetic towards people. but , like i said, work in progress. i dont often act on my negative thoughts abt people, i think. i choose to act on the opposite of what i feel, bc i think that is the correct way to act. that is, in support and belief in other people. it may just be an act, but... what is there but the act? people can think all they want but its action that counts. you are what you do, and there is no "deep down" inside you. so i could be the most morally incorrigible person in the world, but how would anyone know if i never acted on those thoughts?

i guess that's a comfort bc i dont consider myself a good person at all

i dont want anyone to think that being a misanthropist or being so apathetic nothing affects you is a good thing, though
i dont think it's a good thing. i think people are at their best when they have seen life's worst and CHOOSE to believe in the good of humankind. i admire those types of optimists and i am trying my best to become one of them too

[lysander]

im sick and im too tired to do anything
did a dumb thing again recently and id feel bad abt it if my brain didnt feel like its decomposing

[lysander]

im so biased as a south east asian american but i swear south east asian food is the best in the world nhhvhvhhhhhh i love food

[lysander]

dont mean to be rude but these days i just dont have the energy to put a little extra sugar on top
i think this is how people in new york feel. comparatively they're rude, since i live in the south where everyone is all abt that vapid small talk and niceties. but these days. gosh darn i feel that exasperation that cabbies probably feel

like it's starting to become this thing of, i appreciate you not wasting my time with dawdling, just get to the point, nothing is personal i just want to be done so please make my life easier by just being up front!

ofc you always gotta be polite enough not the tick people off. i definitely. notice. when someone's been a little PA. hhhhah. i mean everyone's a little turd here and there but ! i guess the total quantity of it i receive per day is becoming ... bigger. and more... mhmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm frustrating

[lysander]

i think that's what it is. being overly nice for the sake of friendliness is sapping the energy from me
i mean i consider myself a friendly person but i also consider myself an introvert and i suppose the amt of online interaction i've been doing over the last 8 months has finally worn down on my nerves

mmm
i need a good book to read
i am going to pick up a book called dhalgren by samuel r. delany.
supposedly it is a nonlinear novel with an unreliable narrator with a kind of experimental prose i could really get behind. plus the author is a) poc and g) gay and writing for the extremely ... what's the word... homogenous sci-fi literature genre, esp during its best years in the 70s.. i mean, i am... immensely excited to read this book but i should probably finish the familiar first? i picked up the first book (author: mark z. danielewski) a while back and i really love his other work (namely, house of leaves) so... ofc i gotta read his first series right???

i am lazy tho
ill get around to it eventually. i bought the book so i can do it whenever i want
or maybe i should get a job so i can buy a kindle or a nook and i could.. read in bed? yeah. yes. good.
i need a drink

[lysander]

prob a bunch of ppl out there thinking i must be immature or dumb or something to be typing like the tool i am
nah man my big adult grammar is reserved as a secret weapon

inb4 but lys u are immature and dumb
i mean u might not even b wrong but what is there to care abt the opinion of an anonymous nobody
aint respectin if ya aint put ya name on it. cowards

[lysander]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
vague handmotion here
not sure if i should approach or just proceed to cut off
the problem with my memory is that i always forget the good times and only remember the bad mmmmmm

[lysander]

i am utterly exhausted with dealing with people these last few weeks
i have wanted nothing more than to just isolate and talk to people i can stand but responsibilities prevent me from doing so
smh @ my manic high self who thought that depressive mood self could handle this