[ tenor saxs' journal ] :: ☀︎

[velasco]

basically i just need a place 2
keep my thoughts & everything.
ever since i stopped using stigma
since it kinda went down the drain,
i've been struggling to keep a journal/
diary of sorts. maybe this will help.
who knows?
--
feel free to read, but don't post pls
and thanks.

[velasco]

feeling: numb, but somewhat okay.

II february 26th, 2018.

- how am i feeling? i'm feeling alright. quite numb, actually. nothing's bothering me, nothing's making me particularly happy, just numb. but, i did get a boyfriend five days ago, and i love him to death. he's the fourth person i've ever loved, he got under my skin so fast, it makes me sick. speaking of making me sick, he got me sick, and i wanna punch him for it, but i know i won't - and so does he. i've also started watching a new show that i've grown obsessed with, it's a netflix original called everything sucks. i'm in love with emaline, and [spoiler alert, kind of] i love emaline and kate's relationship. they're adorable. i've got to be honest, i never would've naturally pictured them together, but i guess opposites truly do attract. i hope my opposite is gonna stay a while. as much as i love him, and as much as i want to trust him, i know he's going to leave, everyone does. i just hope he waits longer than everyone else. other than those two things, the boyfriend and the show, nothing's been going good for me recently. same old, same old. teacher's are striking and i'm proud of them for fighting for what they deserve, but everything else is bland. struggle to make it through each and every day, draw nonstop, houseparty [video chatting app] with friends, except the new thing is - those friends keep making jokes about things i'm really sensitive about, and they know i'm sensitive about. i've been having nightmares about the thing i'm sensitive about. i guess i'm looking forward to my friend i haven't seen in nearly a year coming over this weekend! we were supposed to hang out today, but she rolled her bike [she crashed her four wheeler to those who don't understand] and her and her boyfriend got pretty jacked up from it. i think i'm gonna go shower, finish everything sucks, and try to sleep. if i can't sleep, i'll draw and houseparty friends. if not, i'll be dozing off into wonderful nightmares. can't wait.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: numb.

II february 27th, 2018.

- i think i may make two+ entries today, just because. on stigma, i made entries multiple times a day, and it really helped me. so why not do it on here too? i just woke up, an hour later than i was supposed to, to my mom yelling at me on the phone. i finished everything sucks, it was really good, but it left off on a cliff hanger. i hope there's going to be a season two soon, or that's really gonna bother me. i don't know why, but this show's one of the firsts in a while i've really liked and been invested in. there was stranger things, which i only liked for the first season - i haven't even gone past episode three in season two, riverdale, which again i haven't seen the second season, and i never really liked TEOTFW. i don't know. it's not my cup of tea, and no offense if you love it, it just bothered me more than anything. it sort of.. romanticized.. psychopaths in my mind. there's obvious indications that he is indeed a psychopath, so don't tell me "oh no, they just thought he was," because i've heard that before. but no real psychopath would change his ways, drop everything, and die for a girl. a girl. psychopaths are incapable of love, let alone to that degree. he changes his mental state within three episodes, and as someone studying psychology, that bothered me a ton. but i still don't bash people who enjoy the show, i'll admit it's well put together, the cinematic features are great, and up until that point had a good plot. i enjoyed it until his mental instability did a whole 180 and he was suddenly not as psychopathic? then there's 13 reasons why that i hated with a burning passion, and don't see why anyone would stick up for the garbage. there's this girl, who makes 13 tapes, blaming 13 people for her death. as someone with a friend who's died in that way, i can't stick up for that show whatsoever. mentally ill people will not take the time to record 13 different tapes, and send them through the 13 people. most don't even write a note. they just want it all to end as quick as possible. there's also a ton of loopholes in the plot, but i won't get into that. this entry has turned so long, solely me ranting about tv shows that i dislike. oops. be prepared for another entry later, probably less aggressive, when i fully wake up and have nothing better to do than to write for this.. thing.. i've created.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: unmotivated.

II february 27th, 2018.

- living up to my word, doing 2+ entries. it's currently nearing the afternoon where i live, and i haven't done much of anything productive today. we have a strike packet we have to work on while our teachers strike, and i've only done 2/4 of the pages we've had to do so far. i also have to read a book in the odyssey and write a stanza by stanza summary on it. i'm just so unmotivated, and tired, and sick. i'm gonna hit my boyfriend in his ugly face for getting me sick, i'm slowly getting worse and worse. i'm so sick to the point where i haven't even started my homework for english, and that's my best and favorite subject, and i'm usually realllyyy excited to do something related to english. it's like a stress reliever for me, but everything's been really stressful for me lately. we don't have band practice tonight because of the strike, which makes me sad. we haven't had band practice three times now due to it. (we usually have three practices a week. one tuesday, one thursday, one saturday.) i'm worried we'll have to cancel our big concert we're preparing for because we're missing so many practices, or we'll have to cancel our trip to new york that we've already made as short as possible. it's been a bad year for the band. i hope it gets better. i'm really excited for new york. we get to see aladdin on broadway, and go to a diner where they sing to you, and i'm just excited. i'm a very musical person, music makes me happy. but recently music's been stressing me out. oh well. gonna end this now, it's gotten quite long. i wanna work on this book i'm writing too. i have a lot going on i need to do today. hope everyone's having a good day! (if you happen to stumble across this and read my entries, haha, i know i do it with some peoples.)

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: spaced out.

II february 27th, 2018.

- i just woke up from a three-ish hour nap. i had a pretty good dream, so i'm struggling to shake back into reality. no one's texting me back, which i'm kinda bummed about, but to be fair i didn't text them back for three hours. i woke up with my cat pressed against me, and considering she's usually not a cuddly cat, that made me pretty happy. can't decide whether i want to do my homework or not, because we have school off tomorrow for the strike again, but they've said we have to go back by thursday. so either i do a page tonight, page tomorrow and then my huge english thing tomorrow, or do it all tomorrow. i like to procrastinate and push everything until the last minute so i'll probably be doing option b. i'm glad we're finally going back to school though! i miss my boyfriends dumb face and i wanna give him the biggest hug. i haven't seen him in six days, since he asked me to be his girlfriend, and i really just miss him. i slept through dinner, so i guess i'm skipping out.. again.. it's okay. god, i can't shake my dream, it was so cute and pure and everything was right, then i gotta wake up to the cruel, cruel world. i'm exhausted and just wanna return to it.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: sleepy and sick.

II february 27th, 2018.

- last entry for today, i swear. it's 11:42pm, let's hope it doesn't hit midnight as i write this. i'm so unbelievably tired and sick. i think i'm gonna get ready to go to sleep. i talked to my boyfriend tonight ! it would've been a lot better if it wasn't a 3 way call with my friend who likes him, but nonetheless i was really happy to talk to him. i love him so much, oh my gosh. he has such a deep voice, it's so calming to listen to him speak. we were video chatting, and honestly i could look at him all day, he's so attractive ?? which may sound a bit shallow, but i'm not afraid to say his looks drew me into him at first - i think thats how it is with everyone. you look at someone and go "they're attractive, i may get to know them" not "wow just by looking at that person i can tell that their favorite color is blue, they're a taurus, and their favorite food is spaghetti." uh. my friend (the one who likes my boyfriend) tried to argue with me on the three way call and i shut her down real quick. she was arguing with me about 13 reasons why, then switched it over to how i don't deserve my boyfriend, and i mean, this was all while he was on the phone too. he's not a very confrontational person though so he didn't say anything, kind of upset about that. makes me think he agrees with her, like he thinks i don't deserve him too. but it's okay, i'll get over it. she just sucks sometimes. i'm gonna try to sleep now. so, so tired.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: sick, numb.

II february 28th, 2018.

- i'm so numb and unmotivated that i don't even want to work on my english homework. there's word that the last day of the strike is today from my government, so we're going back to school tomorrow. i'm just so.. unmotivated.. i don't want to do my english. but i gotta, it's just gonna take longer than usual. a stanza by stanza summary, there's like 30 stanzas. i'll probably break down in the middle of it. i've ignored my boyfriend all day, he hasn't noticed, he doesn't care. i really think he doesn't think i deserve him.. i mean, granted i don't, but god.. it's like a huge stab to the heart. only thing getting me through this week is looking forward to my best friend since fifth grade coming over for the weekend! i can't wait to see her, i haven't seen her in a good while. the last i saw her we went to kennywood during their halloween thing. and i'm such a buzz kill i wanted to leave after like two rides because i was so tired. i feel bad. maybe that's why we stopped being friends? because i'm just a boring person. i'm not fun to be friends with, yanno? i think the most fun thing i do is ride. which, i could ride for hours if someone would let me. i hope i'm not sick by the time she comes over, or i'll continue to be a total buzzkill. i miss my boyfriend a ton. i was overly affectionate last night after our friend said i don't deserve him because i was worried he thought the same, and he just wasn't feeling it. i went to sleep soon after. i had such a good dream for the first time in a long time, and all i want to do is go back to sleep and finish it. it was before everything went wrong. preschool. i swear, preschool was the last time i was happy and got to be an actual kid. yanno? i had a really traumatic experience that lasted from kindergarten to early third grade, and it's all i think about now, and it makes me so angry at myself and at him, because i never really knew what was going on. i thought it was okay. but it wasn't. anyway, dreamt about little preschool me. dreamt about my preschool wedding i had with my "boyfriend" at the time. he's an awful person now, he's homophobic and constantly bashes my friends for being lgbtq+, or even the ones who aren't and are just allies. um. i've been drinking tons of orange juice, and it's been helping my throat a lot. granted, i haven't talked much today. asked my brother and sister what they wanted me to cook them, sang along to a few songs i couldn't resist, but that's about it. i think my throat's getting better, but my nose is so jacked. i can't breathe + my sinuses are so irritated because of pollen. i'm gonna end this now, because at this point i'm just rambling. just numb and sick.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: so sad that i'm numb.

II march 1st, 2018.

- it's 12:28am. why am i awake? i'm so upset. i've been working on starting a comic though, i think it's going pretty good so far. i'm pretty excited to make the first page, but that's about all that's keeping me up right now. god, i even blatantly told my boyfriend i'm upset and he didn't care much. i'm going to sleep, it's been such a bad day. i'm still more sick than ever. goodnight everyone! hope everyone's day was better than mine.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: exhausted, but okay.

II march 1st, 2018.

- i just woke up like 30 minutes ago, i'm so tired. my back hurts because of how uncomfortable my bed is, but i can't complain much. my best friend is coming over tomorrow! (i hope she doesn't cancel. i've been looking forward to this all week.) i think i'm gonna try to do the palette challenge, maybe with this one instead of one of the really long ones, because i've kinda had a bit of art block lately. but, in an attempt to get out of the art block, i've started a comic, so all's well. i think i'm gonna go eat breakfast, do the color palette challenge for a warmup, even though it'll take forever, finish designing two more characters for the comic, and try to make the first page. granted, i still have a good bit of homework to do, so i should do that after the color palette challenge, only because i'm really excited to do that. i think the most boring part of this comic is designing the characters, because i already have the comic planned out, for the most part, i just never put a name or face to the characters.

- serendipity. ☀︎

[velasco]

feeling: excited.

II march 2nd, 2018.

- my best friend's coming over today! she'll be over all weekend, so i won't be on much. i can't wait. i've missed her so much. i look really good today, too. good music has been playing, drawing a bit, trading a bit, all before she comes over. i've still got a bit of homework to do, which i may do before she comes over. i still haven't eaten though, and it's 1pm. ah. old habits are hard to kill, but i'm getting there. i ate a ton yesterday. i think the only thing that's somewhat bumming me out today is i haven't talked to my boyfriend much, and even when i do talk to him he gives blunt replies. he's an awful texter lmao, compared to me who types everything out like i am now, and is really expressive with everything. oops. i'm still really tired though. wearing a friends shirt i still need to give back to them. but !! today's a good day!! i'm SO happy today !!

- serendipity. ☀︎