snart's ramble journal

[wishbone!]

[wishbone!]

Turtles All The Way Down
Paper Towns
Ready Player One
The Porcupine of Truth
Zombie Survival Guide
The Little Prince
The Other Wes Moore

[wishbone!]

if it's not GAY then I DON'T WANT IT
hey actually, even better: gimme some good poly relationships

I really liked Mune but I hate how they really really played the whole romance shtick. can't I get some good platonic relationships up in here???

[wishbone!]

I see that you are weak.
I smell it
through
my
screen

I will snuggle up close
and tell you
how much I want
to love you.

I can't, of course.
things like me
aren't talented
in that manner

but I'll fake it
for you
as I did
for them.

even though I know
it'll come apart
at the seams.

until then,
I'll fix you.
surely I can.
all the goodness
within me
to hold up
all the goodness
in you

I can be strong enough
for both of us
until
I grow tired

and then I'll throw you away
right next to me;
still expecting the best

[wishbone!]

I was picked early in a world that would force me to grow anyway
a mass production of things that might or might not fit the market's ideals
force them to bloom and toss them out if they don't look good enough
keep the ones that are presentable and ready to be eaten alive

[wishbone!]

on a less cryptic and depressing note, I'm going to help my dad w/ work today. I don't like helping him simply because it's boring physical labor and he condescends me very frequently but Kilo will be there! so I'll be distracted by a cute dog but supposedly it's a chill day so I'm expecting little hostility.
I think we're growing apart, and not necessarily in the natural "oh well teenagers gain friends n stuff and their new socialization time takes away from parent time" garbage explanation kind. over the many years of my life I'm realizing that being around him makes me very unhappy and that I'm not responsible for his happiness. he reaches out and wants to talk but I'm just... not sure how? he really only has me and Kilo ig so I feel bad for not communicating with him more often, but I don't want to talk to him. I simply have no real desire for him to be a major factor in my life. is that so bad?
the overwhelming guilt about thinking about his death really gets to me whenever I think about it. idk what to do about it because I can't talk about it with him or I'll probably cry. I hate crying a lot, it's very uncomfortable because I lose my ability to speak calmly and maintain any kind of composure which I strongly dislike.
should I bring that up to him? he might guilt trip me though. or is it just him being disappointed? ugh

how to successfully detach your father from your life without him feeling bad?? 🤔

[wishbone!]

get it together
get out
die sooner
if you so much as smirk or even lift a finger towards me I will hurt you.
I'm tired of you.

[wishbone!]

where is my fire?

is my mother to blame?
I've never felt very touched
by any kind of flame.

maybe it's because I'm
water dominant; cool to the touch.
passion sizzles steadily away from me.

my determination goes up into smoke.
maybe motivation is a lie
(like my therapist said).

there's an essay to write
but I'll only write this and then
go to bed

in my mind, it's not worth the time.
what am I contributing anyways?

I fear I'll always be in this
middle state:
liquid.

I need a fire lit under my ass.
only then can I become a gas

[wishbone!]

no I don't want to be feeling this
no I don't want to talk about it
sorry
blame it on the hormones.

[wishbone!]

this world is sickly and festering. we trade off nature and the safety of Earth for money
what does money really get you? power and prestige over all the poor people you're trapping into your system that only benefits the topmost positions? we're all being fooled into thinking material wealth really means anything.
families, the thing that I used to believe was overrated (but is actually one of the most important things in life), are being broken apart for the production of fear which can in turn be used to control masses. suffering is a business.

I really do believe that I am stuck in a system that doesn't care for my wellbeing at all. apparently the only thing I'm good for in this world, dictated by material wealth, is productivity. who am I supposed to dedicate my life to? to corporate assemblies that already have an excess of currency? to the people that destroy the environment for the sake of profit?

I reject it. I wholly and truly reject the notion that money should rule my life, your life, their lives.


break the cycle!
love nature!
destory capitalistic ideals because it's all garbage!!!!
the Earth and the love we are able to maintain in this world are the most important things in life


without interpersonal connections to other humans, animals, and to our planet, we are nothing.
we all die naked and starving. we don't have to die alone. we don't have to die on a planet that will crumble along with us