snart's ramble journal

[wishbone!]

sometimes I just want to type, y'know?

a thread for me to write down literally whatever. vent, thoughts, just little things I notice, etc. feel free to read through but please don't post.
a great miasma of writings will be found here. lots of it is personal information so don't go blackmailing me or anything :')
talk to me if you want. maybe throw out some advice if you're up to it. it's always appreciated

[wishbone!]

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hiya! I'm Snart. I also go by my username, Agathan, Alex, and other tasteless nicknames

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer. figuring it out.

vegan who will talk about it and not be condescending

// cancer sun, sagittarius moon, leo rising - snake - snail
\\ chaotic good/neutral (I call it "chaotic ok")
// enxp-a - phlegmatic - IAS (Holland code)
\\ open-minded, disorganized, introverted, agreeable, neutral
// page of breath - canus

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interests: nature (very specific, I know), conspiracies, social revolution, gore, art, doodling, world-building, anime & cartoons, documentaries, science, creative writing, reading, puzzle & sandbox games, rpgs, creepy/spooky stuff, dragons, animals in general (including bugs), landscapes & scenery (especially woodland areas!!)
-- this isn't at all a comprehensive list but it's not like I can just write every minute hobby I have lmao

relatable content: Chara Dreemurr from Undertale (ex-kin), maned wolves, amphibians, large flying birds, trees, nymphs (naiads specifically), pthalo teal, miasma, uHHhhh,

[wishbone!]

hey before I edit the personality quiz collection, I'd just like to make note that I spent 20 minutes trying to find a good little Cool Aesthetic Plant Picture instead of just regurgitating completely useless internet garbage into the post and I think that speaks a lot as to who I am as a person

[wishbone!]

cleared out a lot of names from a very foreboding page today! in some kind of way I was trying to make amends with a person whom I admire. I realized I had needlessly labelled a lot of people as obnoxious or something else without justifying myself. that leads down a dark dark road in life that I don't want to follow! I often don't take my own advice of "be a respectful person to all, no matter who they are."

[wishbone!]

I'd like to think I'm creative, but I kinda leech off of other people's stuff because I think it's cooler than mine. that seems to be a fairly normal natural response, "oh, that's better, gonna take it," but it makes me feel kinda bad sometimes. is it some underlying sense of inferiority maybe or am I looking too deeply into it? idk

staying on the topic of unoriginality, why do so many people feel the need to stand out or be wholly unique/special?? it's ok to not stand out. I'm pretty sure it's because in the modern world people are raised with a sense of specialty from the start. we are encouraged to be our own individuals and follow whatever our own desires set out for us but it's just not realistic!! plus it commonly manifests into unhealthy egos, whether it be narcissism or perfectionism (didn't you know? perfectionism is a misplaced ego. talk to me about it sometime, it's actually pretty interesting). what ever happened to seeking out strength in others? that's what people mean when they say opposites attract. peeps gravitate to those who have traits they admire, usually because they lack it themselves.

ugh I could go on a whole tailspin into how first-world socialization is an absolute mess. countries are riddled with mental illnesses and personality disorders because its citizens are fed the beliefs that you need to be completely self-sustainable and independent, and that somehow relying on others for some things makes you weak and unworthy. I might be projecting a little because I struggle with my own self-worth but it's not hard to see that more family and community oriented areas grow up to be much more functional.

[wishbone!]

me, constantly mentally beating myself for not doing anything: continues to feel bad but still doesn't change any of my unhealthy behaviors

for instance, I wanna draw! drawing is fun and I want to be good at it! but I don't put the time and effort into it. I should've completed a few simple designs over a month ago but here I am still moping about it and not doing anything. jesus I'm like ouroboros over here
I'm complaining about me complaining about doing nothing while I STILL DO NOTHING!!!!!!! nobody else has the power to change my life like I do. I just keep finding excuses to smush myself down

like I can't pull a miracle and suddenly stop being depressed but the least I could do is try to make my life better by forcing myself to practice
uUUGHhhghhh I'm a big spoiled baby. someone come help/put me out of my misery

dec 31 addition:

[wishbone!]

the ocean washes back over me
I am tucked safely in the sand

when the water recedes I will scuttle atop the grains
and look upward to see

clouds mingling and changing amongst the sun
shiny soft white gems in the sky

much too grand for me
much too motile for me, too

I am just a little crustacean
but I can't help myself from admiring

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when you wanna make friends but you know they're way outta your league

[wishbone!]

went on a shopping spree in Flight Rising despite barely playing >>"
I have some new pretty babes now. this is completely going against me trying to cut down my clan
I want to dress them up and put them into cool little settings and AUs though so mayhaps it is worth it

[wishbone!]

Yuri is my favorite Doki Doki Literature Club girl :^) I appreciate her love of books and how she feels like she has to close herself off from other people. her interest in aromatics is also super interesting! I never would've thought she was a fan of setting the mood, but I guess it's not super hard to guess since she loves enveloping herself in fantasies. we're very similar and I find comfort whenever I focus on her

Monika is the second best. despite her only being code, she had some deeply relatable things to say. for instance: even if I die, I can never make up for the resources I've wasted. I can only create a perfect balance if I work extremely diligently my whole life to make up for what I've consumed on this planet. and it's the same for so many other people, though they probably don't feel as guilty for it as me.

honestly DDLC kinda sent me into a self-loathing spiral for a couple days because it felt like it was speaking directly to me and responding to my own thoughts. it was really fun to play though and it was almost like finding solace when I realized the writers put in that kind of dialogue because they knew people would understand. I'm not the only one who has that exact pattern of ideas! how relieving that other people hate themselves in the exact way that I do c: still doesn't help me solve my inherent wastefulness though

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heckin DINGUS I wrote a poem about the game and didn't even include it?? dummy ol me

A familiar grin follows me
"Join me," it cheers
'Don't leave me,' it weeps
Some kind of love (despite the hang ups)

She
She
She
She

A timid blush teaches me
"Like this," it yearns
'Don't leave me,' it seizes
Intense insightfulness (amongst some papercuts)

She
She
She

A standoffish glare teases me
"Fine whatever," it huffs
'Don't leave me,' it insinuates
Sweet yet avoidant of the point (not quite my taste)

She
She

A charming smile comforts me
"Welcome back," it says
'Don't leave me,' it warns
We talk (but I can ignore her perfection)

Just her

[wishbone!]

wrote this a couple days ago. a few alterations have been made to keep is CS friendly

Code: Select all

warning for body horror if you get squicked out by that stuff

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I have worms in my skin
they lie not too far within

they are red and wriggling and loooong
I see them at the surface of my body
a mere millimeter further into my flesh

a huge and variable system of annelids
just trying to survive

the least I could do is be a comfortable host
even if deep in my blood I am only a ghost