Assassin - Open to critique

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Assassin - Open to critique

Postby leiawolfe » Sun Nov 12, 2017 6:37 pm

Heeeelloooo everyone and welcome to my newest story yet, Assassin. (The reason for the title will soon become clear to you when I write a little more ^^;)

I will post one chapter a day/week and all of them will be kept here. They will be linked on this board once the chaoter is finished ^^ -->


Enjoy! Comments are always welcome ^^
Last edited by leiawolfe on Sun Dec 03, 2017 3:50 pm, edited 13 times in total.
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Re: Assassin - Chapter One

Postby leiawolfe » Sun Nov 12, 2017 7:09 pm

Chapter One


"Emma?" A croaky voice echoed from behind. The girl whirled around, coming face-to-face with the one person keeping her, how she liked to put it, prisoner. She and her brother had been camping south for a few days when they had suddenly, without knowing it, come into the ghastly Emperor Lithium's territory. His men just so happened to be scouting around the outskirts for more food to eat while they still had some free time when they found she and her brother. The men asked them questions they didn't even know the meaning of, and before they knew it, they were being escorted to the emperor's palace. But that was when no-one, not even Emma, knew of the strange forces her brother was connected with, or so it seemed. By the time they had been taken to the palace, he was as angry as ever, even though he didn't show it. And then, slightly, and ever so quickly, a trail of fire licked against one of the emperor's men's shoes. The man screamed and ran away to get some cold water. But it just didn't make sense, did it? There were no matches or smoke or lighters or anything flammable around the rocky hills that the palace was on. The men, as well as Emma, looked at her golden-eyed brother suspiciously. He had conjured that flame from..where? Emma was never, ever afraid of her brother, of all the people in this world. All he seemed to be was a wimpy, quiet little ball of fluff. But suddenly, he was the most dangerous human on earth to her, to Emperor Lithium's scouts. Without another word, her brother was hurriedly pushed and shoved into the palace, and so was Emma. She hadn't seen her brother for three days now. She hadn't been outside for three days. She hadn't been out of this godforsaken room for three days. It admittedly wasn't very small, for the emperor had been excruciatingly interested in her brother's 'powers'. Emma didn't believe it to be something that her brother had done. Something just must have caught fire to the scout's shoe, like a cigarette, that was all. Lithium had wanted Emma to be in a 'safe enclosure' for the time being in case she did what her brother had done as well.

"What do you want?" She snapped at Aiden, she was pretty sure this weed's name was. But it didn't matter, anyway, he was just another of that sick, greedy emperor's idiot loyalists. Aiden's scruffy black hair ruffled as he nodded. "Ooh, feisty!" He mocked. "I really don't see what your problem is here. It's not like I wanted to be put on ungrateful, annoying-hobo-child-minding patrol. I'd much rather count 'me master's gold or somethin'."
Emma's jaw tensed. "I'm not a hobo," she said loudly in his face, "and I'd be much less ungrateful and annoying if you could GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Her ragged, honey-brown hair that was blackened with ash flew into her face as the air from the window whooshed into the room. It was a tiny window, and it was so high up that she couldn't even jump high enough to see outside.
Aiden shrugged. "Well, I probably would, but then that would be against Lithium's orders, wouldn't it.." he muttered casually, and Emma grabbed the shabby middle-aged man by the collar of his grubby off-white shirt and shook him back-and-forth in outrage. "Hey, hey! I just came in to see if you wanted to know how your big brother was going, you gnat!" He said in a trembling voice, with Emma still shaking him. She stopped abruptly as soon as she heard this. "Caleb?" She said, her voice not in the slightest bit angry anymore. "Is...he alright?"

"Well, to some extent, anyway. That mutant fireball's been so boring, apparently, since he was taken into quarantine...I'm so glad I'm not Marcus or Angus right now," he said.
Emma had to take a few moments for this to all sink in, and then -
"Wait, what? My brother's been taken where?" She nearly shrieked. "Quarantine," Aiden replied nervously. "Now, I think I should go already before you..."
"No, please," Emma said, grabbing his wrist with her smooth, pale hand. "I want to know what's happening to my brother."
Last edited by leiawolfe on Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:27 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby leiawolfe » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:02 pm

Chapter Two


Aiden barked a coarse laugh. "I went by Marcus this morning and he says lil' Caleb keeps asking if this Emma's 'right," he scratched his head. "Looks like you have that in common."
The girl lowered her head. He's never said anything like that in front of me. Like he actually cares about me enough to ask someone about if I'm okay...he does love me.

"Well?" She said impatiently. "Wh-where is he?"
"In quarantine, I told 'ya. He's basically got a disease, you know. Might as well put 'im there." He said stubbornly.
Emma was outraged. "And how exactly does he have a disease?" She asked as calmly as humanly possible.
Aiden laughed again. "You tell us! You're the one who saw what he did!"
"Th-the flames you mean? No, something just caught on fire, obviously. You just want something exciting to happen, you weed."
Aiden smirked, and leaned forward on the plain wooden chair he was seated on. "Listen, little lady. Your ever-so-special Caleb is being tested on right now as we speak, 'n it's by the best scientists in this country."

This too took quite a long moment to sink into Emma's brain. He's being tested on, she thought, like an animal when they're testing things like make-up on people's skin. And even that's bad. But to a human? To MY BROTHER?

She suddenly stood up from the low bed she was sitting on. The comfiest one, the one with the purple mattress. There were basically two of everything in this room. It was just that big. And she probably would have thought that this was the most wonderful, magnificent and fascinating room in the world if only her brother was here. If only she didn't know what was happening to him. If only she could just get out of here... and find him........

"Aiden," she said, looking down at his scruffy, stumpy figure. The man looked ruffled. "How do you know my name?" He snapped. Emma smiled. "Out of the question," she said slyly and cocked her head. "Can I ask you something?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Wot?" He said suspiciously, and Emma continued to smile.
"Aiden... do you have an interest in wealth?"
Last edited by leiawolfe on Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby leiawolfe » Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:40 pm

Chapter Three


It wasn't much of a plan, but it was all she had. The emperor's guards had done quite a pathetic job of scanning them for anything that she and Caleb were carrying before they were taken into the palace, most likely because they must have been afraid of Caleb's so-called 'powers'. And therefore, she still had several gold coins in her breast pocket and her jeans pockets (she had to separate them so that they wouldn't make too much sound whenever she walked).
Now, she knew that Emperor Lithium was a greedy and selfish ruler. She knew that no matter how much gold and jewels he had ever possessed, he'd only pay his servants and workers just enough to keep them working for him. And therefore most of them were relatively poor. Especially someone like Aiden, by the looks of it. She stared down at the man's shaggy stubble and stained white shirt.

Now he looked as suspicious as ever. "What did you say?" He whispered.
"I said, do you have an interest in any kind of riches?" Emma said. She could tell that he was about to give away and say yes, but then he asked -
"Why?"
Emma knew she only had one chance for this. But she wasn't anyone who would carefully think about what her next move would be. She needed to get to her brother as soon as possible, and she knew exactly how to do that with this man - she was just going to be blunt with him. He was way too suspicious for her to get away with vaguely hinting out her plan to him bit by bit before he accused her of something else.

She took a deep breath, silently, in and out, and then she began her act.
First, she leaned toward Aiden, her hands on her thighs, her breath on his face as he watched her intently, squatted on the round wooden chair. She reached into her breast pocket, jangling the coins inside as much as she could before bringing them out, the shining round pieces sprawled across her palm as she held them in front of his nose.
She could see the look on his face, a look of such determination and hope over a few gold coins, and she nearly laughed.
Only that it wasn't very laughable, it was actually kind of depressing.

"These." she took out the rest of the coins from her jeans pockets before plopping herself back onto the violet-coloured mattress in front of Aiden, and added them to the pile of money in her hand. "You want them, don't you?"
Aiden pulled a face at her.
"Of course I do, you spoiled gnat! You kids these days get anyfink you want!" He snapped angrily, and Emma blinked.
"Well," she started. There must have been about around seven dollars in her hand at the time. Hardly anything to get snotty about, she thought, but that other tiny part of her knew why it was. "They'll be yours, if..." she cut herself off for effect. Oh, and also to think about how to end this sentence.
Aiden snorted. "If?" He elbowed her gruffly.

"If you agree to get me out of this room to check on my brother?" She said quietly, and he considered for a moment. Quite a long moment, in fact. He's actually more loyal to his master than I would have thought. And, just then, as if on cue, he said -
"But that would mean that I'd be disobeying my master..." he said slowly, twiddling his thumbs and never taking his eyes off the small pile of money that Emma was holding. OH MY GOSH THAT IS WHY I AM OFFERING YOU MONEY TO DO IT, YOU STUBBORN OLD GOAT, screamed her mind. But instead she just answered, "well, yes but you can have seven dollars for you to do whatever you want with."

Aiden looked back up at her face. "Seven dollars?" He said in a slightly more frustrated tone. "Looks like more than that, miss."
Emma grimaced. Hmm. Should I have let him think that it was a few hundred? Whatever. I need to get back on topic. I need to get back to Caleb.
She cleared her throat loudly, so that he would start concentrating more in her than the amount of money that she was holding.

"Mmm..." he mumbled. "Well... I guess.. but you can't tell 'em I let you. No, don't even let 'em see you. Now hurry up and 'gimme the gold!" He said, and she handed the coins to him (that were not made of gold. But she didn't bother telling him that they were actually metal.).
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby Ranger of the North » Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:50 pm

This is definitely interesting! I'll be sure to follow along c:
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby leiawolfe » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:04 pm

Ranger of the North wrote:
This is definitely interesting! I'll be sure to follow along c:


Aw, thank you Ranger~! <3
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby leiawolfe » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:35 pm

Chapter Four


Emma grinned with all her teeth and thrust the coins onto Aiden's lap. "Thank you, thank you!" She panted as she rushed out to the door. Then, just as she lifted her wrist to open it, she realised something. "Wait," she muttered, not taking her eyes off the silver doorknob. "It'd be locked.."

Aiden briskly glanced sideways at her, picking greedily through the money. "No, it's op'n, mate," he said absentmindedly.
Emma snorted. As if they would keep me prisoner and not LOCK THE DOOR.
But she tried anyway, just because she was so desperate. And as she turned the doorknob, it opened.
WHAT?! Her mind screamed, thinking about that dreadful three days in that dreadful room. Why didn't I think about this? It should have been the first thing to think of when she was trapped in a room. She could have just tried.

But she was out now, and that was all that mattered. She was going to get to Caleb, whatever was happening to him.
She rushed out of the doorway to find a long corridor with lots of doors on the left and right. How on earth was she going to know which door led to her brother? She walked along the corridor for quite a while, staring at the red-and-gold laced carpet and patterned walls. It sort of looked like an ordinary hotel if you were just looking around here. But you could tell that it was a palace if you went to most other places in it.

Suddenly, she noticed that the doors each had gold-plated tags above each one, and faintly carved into it was which room was used for what. Most of them just said things like workers' names, but others read facilities like kitchen and doctor. Emma looked around for quite a long time, stopping every time to read the labels on the left and right side, then moving forward and doing the same.
But, eventually, as she was looking at the label scientists, she turned left and saw - quarantine.
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby Ranger of the North » Thu Nov 16, 2017 7:11 pm

Riiiip, Emma XD
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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby bugbody » Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:10 am

hi there !
let me start off by saying i love the story - it's climactic, and action/emotion-packed, even from the beginning;
here are a few tips i have -
in order to make it more interesting and easier to read, try breaking the paragraphs up by starting on a new line every so often -
as a general rule, i try to hit enter after dialogue, before shocking moments, and when a new character or event enters the scene.
remember the format of the writing can be just as important for keeping readers interested as the plot !
but other than that i really love the story, can't wait for more c:




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Re: Assassin - Open to critique

Postby leiawolfe » Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:05 pm

wølffen wrote:
hi there !
let me start off by saying i love the story - it's climactic, and action/emotion-packed, even from the beginning;
here are a few tips i have -
in order to make it more interesting and easier to read, try breaking the paragraphs up by starting on a new line every so often -
as a general rule, i try to hit enter after dialogue, before shocking moments, and when a new character or event enters the scene.
remember the format of the writing can be just as important for keeping readers interested as the plot !
but other than that i really love the story, can't wait for more c:


Ahh thank you so much for this, it's really helpful ^^. I will certainly follow this c:
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