Vincent to Vritra (I'd love Feedback!)

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Vincent to Vritra (I'd love Feedback!)

Postby skylasha » Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:13 pm

So I really love my character Vritra, who is a demonic dragon. I thought up a possible, alternate storyline in which Vritra was not a dragon from the start. What if he was a magician who stumbled upon real magic and got changed into a dragon? I hope you guys enjoy this, please feel free to comment/critique, let me know what you think! Also, this is Vritra for those who don't know...
only a little bit evil boy
Yep he's evil
and crazy
(Mods, I hope it's alright to link to images of him, if it isn't, please let me know and I will remove them right away!)

On to the story!


“Vincent, I wouldn’t mess with that if I was you.”
Vincent looked up from the glowing storm purple gemstone he held in his hand.
    “Oh come on man, what’s the worst that could happen?” He retorted, waving away his fellow carnie. “I’m serious, Vincent. That thing could be cursed for all we know. It’s stolen dragon treasure.” The other guy insisted.
Vincent held it up to the dim glow of caravan light, turning it.
    “Oh it is, huh?” He asked, finding his voice taking on an odd tone. His vision suddenly blurred before sharpening into stunningly sharp contrast. Vincent shook his head, feeling odd.
    “You’re scaring me, Vincent, what’s wrong with you?” The other carnie asked.
Vincent shook his head again and gripped his temples.
    “Uh just tired. I’m going to bed... see you later... okay?” Vincent stuttered and went out the door. Vincent stepped out into the night. Warm air whipped his face. His cape snapped in the wind. “You’re all mine.” Vincent said, an odd possessive feeling coming over him as he rubbed his thumb against the gemstone. Vincent made his way across the carnival grounds, heading for his caravan. It was a windy night, the sky studded with stars and scudding clouds. The moon glowed like an immense pearl. For a moment Vincent found himself wondering what it’d be like to fly. He shivered despite it being a warm night.
“I’ve really got to go to bed. I’m losing my mind.” Vincent mumbled.
Vincent reached his caravan, unlocked the door and went inside. Flopping on the couch, he held the gemstone in his fingers, rubbing his thumb across the smooth surface. Vincent stopped at a sudden sharp pain. Vincent let out a cry of surprise as he looked down to see his hand bleeding. Vincent realized that the edge of the gemstone was very sharp and that he had sliced his finger good. “Crud. Wow that is a lot of blood!” Vincent exclaimed. He leaped to his feet and rushed for the bathroom. Vincent flicked on the light and scrambled for a towel.
Gripping the towel in one hand, Vincent turned the sink on. He didn’t hesitate, just braced his hand in the icy water. Vincent’s hand hurt. Hurt far more than it should have.
    “Ow!” Vincent groaned, realizing perhaps the water was too cold.
Vincent shifted the faucet to warm but even as the water heated, the ache in his hand continued. It was now worse, accompanied by a terrible itch.
Vincent clamped his teeth as his hand spasmed, stabbing pain going through his fingers.
When the pain passed, Vincent glanced down and gasped. In place of his fingernails was thick black claws. “No no no no no!” Vincent yelled
Vincent’s other hand spasmed now, growing claws. The torturous itch was spreading like wildfire, burning across the backs of his hands and up both arms.
    “Uh...uh...um...cold water. That’ll help.” Vincent told himself as he once more switched the temperature. Vincent wasn’t even concerned about the claws anymore. He just wanted the fiery itch to stop. Vincent struggled to yank up the sleeves of his blue and black jacket.
The cool leather, heated from exertion, was not helping. Vincent managed to curl his claws clumsily around the rim of the sleeves and pull them back. Vincent closed his eyes and leaned heavily on the sink, dunking first one arm and then the other in the icy water.
Icy, cool, fresh water rushed down his limbs, dripping from his hands.
Vincent tentatively ran a finger down his arm. Wait. WHAT WAS THAT?!
Vincent’s eyes flew open and he shrieked. Purples scales lined his arms, thick layers of them rippling in diamond bands across his muscles. For that matter, oh how his muscles ached.
Vincent swore that as he watched, his muscles were swelling, stretching. Vincent groaned, uncomfortable with the achy pressure. In fact, it wasn’t just his arms. His entire body ached.
    “Oh what’s happening to me?! Argh! Where is that cursed gemstone?!” He snarled,
his aching teeth growing. Vincent limped out of the  bathroom on throbbing, changing legs.
His legs were bending at animalistic angles, the knees bent forwards and his ankles locked upwards off the ground. Walking had become a difficulty. His body was not used to the new configuration. Limping, Vincent managed to reach the couch. He snatched up the gemstone.
    “AAAARGH look what you’ve done to me you stupid, stupid, stolen piece of trash!” He roared, throwing it. The gem stone flew through the air and crashed against the wall. The purple gemstone shattered into dozens of pieces. “Hah! Take that!” Vincent snarled, feverish heat and pain making him erratic. He leaned back against the wall, growling and laughing.
Vincent stopped laughing when he saw the purple glowing tendrils of energy snaking up from the broken gemstone. “Oh crrrrrud I pissed it off...” He groaned and then the energy struck.
Vincent roared again, sounding even more feral. Purple bands of energy poured into him, through his mouth, nose and the cut he had accidentally gotten from the gemstone.
Vincent coughed and writhed and shook his head until his body had absorbed all the magic of the gemstone. “Heh. That wasn’t so bad.” Vincent scoffed, kicking disrespectfully at the broken gemstone with clawed, scaly, digitigrade feet. Without warning, Vincent doubled over.
He clutched at his thin sides. The achy pressure was back, compounding inside his lithe frame. Vincent’s face burned, feverish heat of the transformation overtaking him.
    “Water. I need water.” He groaned, stumbling across the caravan.
For the second time that night, he turned the sink on. Vincent splashed his face with cool water, blearily watching himself in the mirror. His eyes were hypnotic, odd even for him to see. Red as blood with blue streaks spiraling around the reptilian slit pupils. Vincent’s head throbbed and he growled. Vincent could only watch in half-awe, half-fear as dark horns grew and grew, curving back from his skull.
    “Oh Vincent you think you’re so clever, don’t you? Look what you’ve done now you old magic trick!” He snapped at himself. Vincent started to pace, the pressure in his back mounting until he couldn’t stand it. Vincent felt his muscles and bones twist and expand, swelling inside his back. The feeling unnerved him, shivers rippling down his spine.
Still Vincent paced, his mind lost in a loop of terror and half-thrill at becoming something inhuman. And finally the pressure in his body decided to amount for something. Vincent sliced his claws down the wall, growling as a tearing sensation went through his back.
There was a sound similar to that of his cape flapping in the wind as something large and wet and heavy unfolded. Vincent’s breath caught in his throat and he shrieked as his spine spasmed, stretching out and out. When Vincent came out of his spiral of pain trance, he leaned heavily down on the couch. He tilted his head to survey the damage that he vaguely remembered doing to the wall. Deep claw marks, scattered torn posters and magic cards on the floor. Since when had he knocked down his message board? “Okay okay, are we done now?” Vincent demanded as irritation began to flood in. His new tail lashed back and forth, smacking the wall. Vincent started pacing again, trying to rid himself of the lingering ache that still pulsed inside him. Wait a minute. Was Vincent seeing things or was the couch farther down? Was the ceiling closer? Vincent stopped pacing. His entire body shuddered and he groaned as everything swelled and stretched a bit. Vincent threw his head back and roared, releasing some of the pent up energy that was driving him crazy. His horns scraped the ceiling and he ducked in surprise. The caravan to his shock seemed to be closing in on him. It was quickly becoming confining. Vincent’s new wings weighed heavily on his thin frame. Vincent grumbled as spikes rippled down his neck and spine, joining the ones on his tail.
Vincent felt himself grow some more, and it was almost a relief. It would have been almost nice if he could stand up straight. Now Vincent’s horns were pressed up against the ceiling without any effort out of him. Oh his jacket was tight. Vincent gently curled his claws and slid it unzipped. His chest and shoulders were growing, expanding. Vincent curiously touched a claw to his underbelly plates. They had spread all the way down his neck, chest and belly. He pulled away nervously. How could those heavy, thick scales belong to him? Vincent resisted the urge to start pacing in worry. In fact, he was immobilized for a moment as he suddenly grew even more. That was simply too much for his tolerance of the small space to handle. The caravan was now beginning to become a cage. Vincent’s tail swung, making him cringe as something went crashing. He shook, trying to hold back any more of an increase in size. Vincent limped slowly towards the door, trying to avoid further damage. “Oh no no no...” Vincent groaned as he felt himself grow some more. It was becoming harder and harder to force himself to walk on two legs. Vincent leaned on the door, forcing it open with the strength of his shoulder alone. Vincent half fell out of the caravan. Vincent’s entire body quaked with the effort to not grow anymore. “Ohh...Vincent what have you gotten yourself into now?” He groaned, berating himself for his own stupidity. Vincent turned and glanced at the other caravans, crossing his fingers that his fellow carnies wouldn’t venture outside and see him like this. Vincent then tilted his head up to the sky. “Wings, of all things that have happened tonight, work for God’s sake.” He panted, shaking with the effort to not grow. All his body wanted was to give in, but he couldn’t let it. Not here. Turning into a dragon in front of people was not how tonight was going to go. Vincent slowly spread his massive wings as far as they would go. “Oh I do have some growing to do.” He realized. His wings were absolutely huge, as was his tail, dwarfing his frame. “Alright. Let’s get out of here.” Vincent told himself.
He forced himself to start flapping, going into a running start. He flapped his wings hard and got off the ground quickly. In minutes he was soaring confidently, feeling less angry and afraid. He flew, wings spread wide, wind speeding past his face. The sky above him was a deep indigo blue deepening to purple and black. Silvery stars rippled across it in diamond bands.
Clouds scudded along, white marshmallow puffs in the moonlight. Vincent flew until he reached a large empty field. He crash-landed, forced onto all fours. The transformation would be held back no longer. His entire body became draconic, feral. The growth spurt he’d been holding back hit him. Vincent’s body ballooned in size. His spine felt like putty, stretching out and out and out. His wings, already immense as a human now became incredibly massive as his body caught up. His tail just kept getting longer, thicker. His chest and entire body kept growing and growing, expanding rapidly for several minutes. Finally it stopped.
All Vincent felt was relief. He was incredibly sore, but the achy pressure was gone now. Vincent stretched his immense frame, attempting to see how large he was. Vincent estimated that he was the length of a football field from nose to tail-tip. “Holy...WHAT was IN that gemstone?!” He gasped, nudging gently at his wings as he figured out how to close them. New instincts awoke in him, along with a new name. “Vritra. My name is Vritra.” Vincent or rather Vritra now, told himself. For his life was changed from this moment on. He could no longer be Vincent the Magician. Not for his safety, or for that of his friends here.
His instincts gave him new knowledge. Dark truths of those who’d kill a dragon, or the friends of one. Vritra wouldn’t let that happen. His carnival life as a magician was over. Vritra looked down at his claws. At his willing, glowing purple strands of energy spiraled up from his claws. Vritra gasped in surprise. He had magic now, real magic!
Not the illusionist’s tricks he’d do for a show. It seemed a piece of his life would carry on after all.
[Story Copyright Skylasha 2017]
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I love Marvel and Among Us a lot! I’m also a furry. Mental + chronic illness warrior.
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Re: Vincent to Vritra (I'd love Feedback!)

Postby Ranger of the North » Wed Sep 27, 2017 1:20 pm

Hey, this is really cool! There did seem to be quite a bit of repetition (e.g. multiple 'Vincent's in only a few sentences) and I feel like it could do with a bit more variation to the sentence-openers, but other than that, it's really good!! Keep up the good work, I'd love to see more of Vincent/Vritra, if you have any! :D
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Re: Vincent to Vritra (I'd love Feedback!)

Postby skylasha » Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:37 pm

Ranger of the North wrote:
Hey, this is really cool! There did seem to be quite a bit of repetition (e.g. multiple 'Vincent's in only a few sentences) and I feel like it could do with a bit more variation to the sentence-openers, but other than that, it's really good!! Keep up the good work, I'd love to see more of Vincent/Vritra, if you have any! :D

Oh thank you, for the feedback! I do think I need to work on the repetition, lol I noticed it going back to reread the piece. I could probably find more of him and I plan to write more about him as well.
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Skylasha|He/They/She Image
Hi, I'm Skylasha!
I love Marvel and Among Us a lot! I’m also a furry. Mental + chronic illness warrior.
Trying my best one day at a time.
I'm an artist! I take commissions and art trades
Avatar by SleepySwirly Sig art by Shadowphoenixfox
Image
Youtube
Art Shop
DeviantArt
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skylasha
 
Posts: 3298
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Re: Vincent to Vritra (I'd love Feedback!)

Postby Ranger of the North » Mon Oct 02, 2017 9:23 am

skylasha wrote:
Ranger of the North wrote:
Hey, this is really cool! There did seem to be quite a bit of repetition (e.g. multiple 'Vincent's in only a few sentences) and I feel like it could do with a bit more variation to the sentence-openers, but other than that, it's really good!! Keep up the good work, I'd love to see more of Vincent/Vritra, if you have any! :D
Oh thank you, for the feedback! I do think I need to work on the repetition, lol I noticed it going back to reread the piece. I could probably find more of him and I plan to write more about him as well.
No problem, and awesome! Sounds good :D


Last bumped by skylasha on Mon Oct 02, 2017 9:23 am.
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